Almost At the End

Today is the last day of the 1st decade of the new Millennium.

That there just made me realize a lot has happened since the Y2K scares 10 years ago. I mean, this February will be 5 years since I met my husband. On line. We didn't physically meet until May of 2005.

Time has flown.

2010 has so much possibility for me and my other half. From the possibility of a pregnancy, to our move, and the start of life on the other side of the country.

So, my goals for the next year are easy:

1. When I first met with the doctor's in April of 2009, my weight had gone back up to 304. That isn't the heaviest I've been, but it was a contribution to part of my issues, including the diabetes and PCOS. Everything I've looked at, and even the Endocrinologist, suggest that just losing 10% of your body weight is sometimes enough to get your body to start doing things on it's own. So my goal is to get my weight down to below that mark. I know, I know, I could stand to lose more. But if I can continue to make the necessary lifestyle and diet changes it should happen. Right now, if I can get to 270 and maintain or continue to lose I will be happy. I plan to do a weigh-in tomorrow and get things going, and you will be hearing about it.

2. Get us moved safely and on time. And by us, I mean myself, A, and Shadow. My brother will be keeping Narco, so I have to find the best way to transport a cat across the USA. My father-in-law has offered to travel here and drive the moving truck back so we can take my car. I'm still undecided about keeping or selling it, and I think we are leaning towards keeping it. With the understanding that if we do drive it and the moving truck to VA, then Shadow will be in the car. If we sell, then A and his dad may leave ahead of me, and I will fly out with the cat as a carry-on.

And last, but certainly not least:

3. Make the next 100+ days count. If all goes according to plan, we will be on the road on April 22nd, and I want to make time for family and loved ones here as I'm not sure if we will be back to visit before June 2011 when my nieces graduate from High School.

So, now to make breakfast and enjoy the last day of the year with the man I love and our fuzzy companions.

I hope you all have a safe and wonderful last day of the year. See you in 2010!

Nothing to See Here, Move Along...

I cannot believe that 2009 is about to come to a close.

While a full year has passed, it feels like we are exactly where we were at this time last year. It's oddly comforting.

But so frustrating.

I've never been one for resolutions, but I have been thinking things over. And I realize there are some goals for the next year that I would like to set.

They will be achievable. And not include anything about being pregnant by end of 2010. That I believe would just be a recipe for disaster.

I will share tomorrow what my plans are. For now, I thought I'd share something that may be considered TMI to some, but I think shows that no matter what A and I can still laugh at things...

I have managed to get him addicted to playing Farmville through Facebook. What started as him just wanting to have a farm to help out my brother and I has turned into a timed cycling of crops with life. He has always been more organized with things, and when he realized what he needed to advance quickly he dove right in.

I love my gamer nerd.

So, yesterday I achieved Level 25 while working from home and announced it out loud. Along with the fact that I can now build a telephone pole. He had been nearby, heating up lunch, and turned to give me a wicked grin.

A: I can build a telephone pole.
Me: I don't want to know.
A: Is that the only reaction I am getting? Cause I was talking about in my pants.
Me: I figured as much, but I associate telephone poles with splinters....
A: You are no fun!

Fast forward to a couple of hours later, when he came in to hug me and give me a kiss. We were laughing, and I suddenly looked straight at him.

Me: Hey! Are you trying to give me splinters??

He just laughed.

Cycle Day 29

The only advantage to starting my period on the 1st of any month is knowing when I look at the calendar what day of the cycle it is.

Today is the 29th, so it's Cycle Day 29.

Now, if I were any normal ovulating woman, I would be a little anxious today. My period is technically late. I've had very very light cramping. The lightest spotting this morning, but nothing else. Add in the laziness (I prefer to call it being tired, thankyouverymuch), bouts of constipation (sorry, Internets. I am just being honest), food aversions, bloated tummy, and peeing frequency and most people would be running to pee on a stick.

But me?

I'm obviously not normal.

So I just attribute it to my "vacation" attitude about food over the last 12 days. Once I get us back on our diet things will calm down. That and I really should try out the Wii Fit Plus we picked up in September.... Definitely before I actually gain any weight back since we are about 3 weeks from the Endocrinologist appointment.

Today is another wonderful day of waiting. Watching and waiting. Hoping the spotting increases enough so I can start the next round. Praying to time it so I don't ruin my brother's birthday in January by becoming that sobbing mess after a failed scan.

On the up side:

We looked at the calendar and I think we have a target date in April. We are hoping to be on the road on April 22nd. It's a Thursday, and will line up with the PTO time I will have available and the time it will take to drive to VA and unload. Maybe even unpack a little.

So, here's to moving. And hoping my period comes before the New Year.

Now Back to Your Irregularly Scheduled Program

The holidays have come and gone, and we survived them here at home. I get the added luxury of working from home this week to cover our call group, and so I sit here and get time to think.

Which is not necessarily a good thing these days.

I am trying not to read too much into the creaks and groans and cramps my system is going through. Part of me is hoping that my period begins on its own at the end of this week.

Did anyone ever think they would want that? I remember when I dreaded the monthly visitor. At this point it would tell me I ovulated, even if there is no pregnancy. I'd still count it a win.

In the meantime, I am waiting for next Monday. If nothing has happened by then, then I will pee on the stick to confirm what isn't happening and call the doctor. I'm not sure where that will put us in terms of the next scan, but at this point my focus has to start to shift.

It's time to start looking at moving.

Finding A Way To Talk

Through all the ups and downs in the last few months, I think I lost touch with a lot of things. Namely, the friends I hold so dearly and who I know would be there to support me no matter what.

Contrary to what people may think because I write this all in a public blog, I don't share my feelings. It has to be seriously bothering me to make me seek out some one's ear, and it was actually one of the few reasons A and I would get mad at one another when he first moved in. He tends to be the same way, and when you have two people bottling up issues it gets bad.

Luckily, we've been able to talk through the few issues in the past. And now we both know that rather than getting mad we need to grab the other person and calmly explain what is going on and talk through it.

Which still works for most things, but everything about infertility and getting pregnant has been hard. He has told me he loses me for days on end, and I don't even realize I am shutting him out that way. I am doing everything I can to move forward and smile, but he knows me and worries.

So last week, when my closest friend offered to fly me North to see her, he didn't blink when I told him I wanted to go and it would be girls only this time. He just hugged me and told me to go be with her. He knows what I need, and right now I need D.

We are both being optimistic about our futures as parents. We aren't giving up.

But we are now relearning to talk about things. Because this time it's not something we can just fix with a quick talk.

But it is something we will have to work through together....

Do you remember Carly Simon?

When my nieces were small, my sister and I would make plans to take them places or show them things. To us, telling them about these upcoming events were thought of as something to get them excited and ramped up for the upcoming event.

My mother always warned us that it was building up anticipation and that wasn't good. She would then sing like Carly Simon:

Anticipation...

Which is what I realized last week was being done to me by my Endocrinologist.

She has been amazing, don't get me wrong. And for the first time in years, I feel as if my diabetes is under some kind of control. It feels good. But when I went to meet with the nutritionist last month she was surprised at how I was measuring things. And I should have taken that as a sign...

Since last summer, I have been measuring my glucose levels at the frequency of a woman who has been diagnosed with diabetes while pregnant. That means taking a fasting sugar in the morning, and then again 1 hour after each meal.

And the numbers she gave me to aim for have been for a pregnant woman, resulting in an increase in insulin before bed to get the lower fasting number. Not to mention the addition of insulin during the day, prior to each meal.

Basically, I've been living as if I was pregnant. Watching everything and being so careful in anticipation of conceiving. And the conceiving never happened.

After A and I talked last week, I stopped doing it.

I have taken my insulin injections each night, but I have reduced the amount so that I still fall within the range for a normal person. I only test my blood sugar in the morning to get a fasting. I do need to test after at least 1 meal each day, but I am taking a break until after Christmas to worry about that.

And no insulin before meals unless I know it's one that will cause me to spike. Which is rare, because we have cut so many things from our diet in the 8 months.

Yes, I still am taking prenatal vitamins. I bought 200 of them, and since they aren't hurting anything I will take them until they are gone. Which will be the longest I have stuck to taking any daily vitamin since I stopped eating Flintstones chewables as a child.

I honestly believe that all that extra stuff added to my stress and emotional issues because I was so focused on thinking pregnant that when it didn't happen I couldn't wrap my head around it. And I think that A has seen a difference in the last few days.

So, no more anticipation. And once again, my mom was right.

Almost Sincerely Happy For You...

My workplace seems to have become the stork's new favorite place to be. Well, at least for some people.

I heard last week of one of our remote employees just having had her baby. Their office hadn't actually mentioned the pregnancy, it was just "she's out on leave" and then suddenly a baby.

Not more than 1 day later, word spread of another remote employee pregnant. She'd just found out and shared it, so the pregnancy is in its early stages.

And there are hints that someone here in the office has managed to get pregnant as well.

Last week, I would have been in the bathroom sobbing. This week, after discussing things and planning at home, I can say I am happy for them. I still am sad, I feel empty inside, but I am not a sobbing mess.

I told A and he grimaced, waiting for the next explosion or meltdown. When I told him I was okay, he seemed skeptical, but I think he realized that I am better about this. I just keep focusing on the next step, and that is the move.

There are some days I want to be moved now. But at the same time I am looking forward to the rest of Winter and Spring, and time to just take it all in.

And you never know, we mights accidentally get pregnant. I'm not holding my breath, but anything could happen, right?

Tomorrow: what I've done to clear my mind in the last 4 days. You may be surprised how relieved I was after changing things at home...

Almost Officially Infertile

Everything I've read says that the medical community declares a person to be infertile when they have attempted to get pregnant for a year with no use of birth control present.

On Valentine's Day, 2010, it will be 1 year.

After the conversation with my doctor, I thought about things and then talked to A last night.

You all need to know that yesterday he held me and told me that if our lives were meant to be lived together, just us alone, he would still be happy. And that he wanted me to do what was right for me, because in the end it was my body.

So last night I told him I wanted to try 2 more cycles, finish the year of trying, and then shelve this. Just until we move, have settled in VA, and had some months to save money.

My mother has always said that things happen for a reason. So, I am going to believe that if I don't conceive in the next 2 months that it is because it wasn't supposed to happen right now. Not before the move, when we will be someplace where we can save money, pay down debt, and afford to meet with fertility specialists. Where the extra time and monitoring will be easier because I'll be working from home and can control things a little better.

I am still so sad and weepy about all this. But after talking this out last night I did realize that I felt better. Oddly, it was knowing I was taking control of something, and a date that we were working towards....it made it all fall away.

My husband is fully supportive of whatever way I want to handle this. He was relieved I was better last night. He said it killed him each month because he lost me for days on end with the sadness that overtook me each time.

So, two more months of Chlomid and scans. Then we switch gears to focus on the move and start again.

Honestly, I slept better last night than I have in a while. I am still wanting a quiet Christmas, which I'm not sure my family completely understands. But it's still not 100% okay in my heart, and trying to make it seem so only makes everything else worse.

And for now I have to keep taking control and make the bad stuff go away....

I Think I Made My Doctor Uncomfortable Today...

Welcome to Cycle 4, Day 17. The second follicle scan for this cycle was today.

And nothing had changed.

Nothing.

Everything looked the same, nothing had grown, and so no injection was done.

And then I was asked if I wanted names to see infertility specialists as that may be the next step if we are serious about wanting our family.

Which is when I lost it.

I had A on one side hugging me, and the doctor on the other side squeezing my shoulder. And I don't think either of them knew what to do.

Believe it or not, I went to work. After the exam, I dropped A off at home and headed to the office.

Where I lasted 2 hours before I was so nauseated and looking so bad that they told me to go home.

Where I then slept for over 3 hours and woke up thinking about things.

We have some decisions to make about things right now. But this isn't the end. The doctor did agree to increase the Chlomid to 200mg a day, and if we want to try another couple of rounds she will support to us.

I have told her to expect a call after the 1st of the new year if nothing else happens on its own. Then we will try again.

Meanwhile, it's time to think about what is next after that cycle for us....

I am just so tired of crying.

Scrooged

I realized last night that I don't really care if the tree is lit in the evenings.

It isn't that I am not looking forward to Christmas. It's just that this year my mind is busy on something else. I can't seem to refocus on other things, and I am glad that our social circle is a small one.

His family knows we are saving to move and not spending anything extra. My family knows we aren't planning on shopping. We really don't have the extra money, and there is nothing that seems to make me truly feel happy inside.

I had to admit to A last night that I can't help the crying. That I cried at Best Buy, that even going for a walk through Target makes me weepy. I can't seem to get past everything else right now, and I really am just waiting for tomorrow and another scan.

I would like to point out that the scans are getting progressively uncomfortable. I didn't think they could, and I don't know if it's that a different doctor is there each time or I am just tense. But I seriously am tired of being examined from the inside. It is just not any fun.

And I get to do it all again tomorrow...

Holding on by a Follicle

The scan on Saturday went a little better than I thought it would.

The right ovary had 2 very small follicles. Small enough that the doctor didn't even consider them for anything.

But there was something there, which was more than I had expected to have happen.

The left ovary, though, is trying to come through....

There was 1 follicle, all alone, bigger than anything else she could see. And based on its size, she calculated that if it continued to grow that it would be ready on Thursday.

So, we will go back on Thursday. Scan again and see what happens. It will either be fully mature and ready or it will have aborted.

Aborted is what she said. I don't like that word. At first I thought something bad hearing it. Then I realized she meant like a mission being aborted, nothing worse than that.

But still....

I was fine leaving the office. I made it to the car, actually, after booking the next trip there. But since then it has been an interesting trip. I tend to find myself sobbing at the oddest things. Things that we had talked about doing or buying for our child makes me well up. My husband smiles, tries to comfort me, but it's hard.

The feeling inside that I am letting him down, that I am less than what he bargained for, makes it hard to let him. But I do let him. We are in this together, and nothing else seems to make the bad stuff go away.

Even if it is only for 10 minutes.

Maybe Carrie Had the Right Idea

While traveling to Newark one year, my ex decided to come meet me for a few days. He was living in Memphis and worked for an airline, so he booked free passage, and came to stay in the company paid hotel with me.

One night, as we flipped channels, he told me to stop and watch something with him. The next thing I knew, we were laughing over the issues Carrie was having with Mr. Big after farting in bed with him.

The ex has gone, but my love for Sex and the City has always been there. I own the entire series, and the movie, and will be there on opening night of its sequel. While my girlfriends and I have always stopped and talked about which girl we were, I have to admit that Carrie was always a little bit of a mystery to me.

I understood Charlotte's yearning for love and a family, maybe even more these days. I've know a Samantha or two, and still wonder how they manage to keep up with that kind of lifestyle. And Miranda was always the one I identified with most, her straightforward life and way of living. But Carrie...

Yes, I thought I knew who my Mr Big was once, but in the end I was incredibly wrong. And the shoes. I never got the need for spending money on shoes, especially as a form of therapy.

Until today.

Now, I am a plus-sized girl. Finding shoes can be hard because they need be wide, and I also prefer to be barefoot. My only complaint every year was in the inability to find a pair of tall boots that I could wear with jeans or to work with a skirt, something that I see on everyone, especially in the winter. It really was my hang up until I discovered the Jessica London shoe collection online through Avenue.

Oh my. I have seriously died and gone to heaven.


They fit like a glove, and are comfortable enough that I have worn them for 2 hours, including a trip for groceries, with no problems. And they are making me smile.

Which I believe is the only reason A hasn't told me to stop yelling "I got boots!" here at the house. He said as long as I am happy then he is, but when I said I should order them in black as well, I got a severe eye roll.

He'll come around eventually though. Right?

I am half-tempted to wear them to the scan tomorrow, as a boost for myself. They, unfiortunately, will ask me to strip from the waist down, so I will probably go with something that will allow me to get dressed and run away quickly if it doesn't go as expected and I need to have a private breakdown.

In the meantime though.... I HAVE BOOTS!!

At Least Something is Regular...

My husband called to let me know that the reminder call came this morning.

Exactly 48 hours until the next follicle scan.

I can count on the doctor's office to not fail with these reminders. It's always on time, and I think at this point if they didn't call I would panic. I'd honestly be on the phone waiting to find out why they didn't have my appointment listed.

I have the first part of next week off from work as well. I want to stay home, work on making a baby, and not think on things. Just time with A to relax.

Which, seriously, looks good written down. Now, if I could just make myself relax it would be wonderful.

Make myself relax.

Why does that sentence make me stress?

Just A Little Glimmer

On our anniversary, my aunt called from Indiana to wish us well.

My aunt is also my godmother, and while she is so different from my mother in so many ways, I love her for the good person she is. She's always been there at Christmas and birthdays, and I don't think she knows how good it is to have a relative who never missed an important date. She even made the trip for the wedding, and videotaped everything she could.

During our talk, she asked me if I ever got the ornament. Which made me pause and ask, "What ornament?"

She had been cleaning and came across a box with a 2008 ornament that she could have sworn she sent to us. Thinking maybe she had bought 2 by accident, she wanted to check with me. I remember laughing and telling her no, and she apologized because it said 2008 on it and now it wouldn't be the same. I made sure to let her know that it was the sentiment that mattered, and she said she would send it along.

I honestly had forgotten all about this until I received a call from A yesterday. A package had arrived from my aunt and uncle, and he was wondering if I was expecting anything. I laughed and explained about the ornament, and he said we'd open it together.

Now, my aunt is known for style in our family. It is unique, and to tell you the truth I think it works for her. I don't know how, but she does make things work when dressing, and I do have to admire that.

Knowing this, I wasn't sure what to expect at all. My mind was expecting something small from Hallmark, but at the same time there was a part of me expecting some glittering ball with 2008 painted across it.

Instead, I was greeted with this:


What we have is a Lenox crystal bride and groom together in a red box. The gray tassle is for hanging on the tree, and the 2008 nestled in there made me smile. It may be a year late, but the ornament is perfect because I will always look at it and think of us and our first year together.

I have to admit that getting in the holiday spirit has been difficult for me. But this made me smile. And realize I need to make sure to send out some cards to our loved ones, especially my aunt, to let them know they mean so much and I wouldn't be here without them.

Cycle Day 8

I took the last Chlomid yesterday, and as of this morning I have no headache. Which is its own blessing.

Because I was told not to use the ovulation kits last month, I decided to use the last 5 in the box this month. The first one was today, and the last will be on Saturday just before the follicle scan.

I dunno. It gives me something to do to mark the days between scans, and in a way keep my mind busy.

So, now we wait.

And watch the snow in CA melt from the mountains.

I think I may need to forbid myself from Google...

This last weekend was a quiet one at home.

We spent the entire 2 days in the house, relaxing, playing video games, and watching TV. I am almost done with the latest from Stephen King, and as I read there was much zombie killing in the background.

Very peaceful. To the casual observer.

This last cycle was an odd one for me. I started spotting on Saturday, and continued to spot for the next 3 days. Then, on Tuesday, my period started. And on Thursday morning it was gone.

Meanwhile, my searches through the internet have provided me with SEVERAL sites that track the signs of pregnancy and what to look for if you may be pregnant.

Do you know how ridiculous it feels to find yourself wondering if your nipples seem darker than last week and hoping your husband doesn't walk in? Cause, while he might find the situation interesting, he will never understand what you are doing.

How about this need to pee? Or that little cramp? Or that strange smell that no one else seems to smell?

Oh! How about a burp that has an odd aftertaste and you wonder if it could possibly be morning sickness?

There are no real symptoms, but my head doesn't want to let go of what is supposed to be going on right now if my body would function properly. I keep finding myself thinking that this is supposed to be start of week 6, not the start of week 2.

Are you all tired of my griping yet? Cause I figure I may have 2-3 more days of bitter before it's back to crossing my fingers or crying because there was nothing.

So, I apologize to the readers who are wondering how someone so bitter could possible make a good parent. And I promise, if caught in any compromising positions during this period insanity I will share the story.

But no pictures. That would be a little too much, don't you think?

Sometimes I Wonder About My Logic

I have this vivid thought that I think is a memory. That or a really odd dream.

Back in my youth, I attended a private Catholic school for 9 years. Those were not bad years, far from it, but they were definitely shielded. There was only so much of the outside world that was allowed in. I mean, we had a dress code for the shoes. As in no sneakers until I think I was in 7th grade. Seriously.

I do remember when it was time for their version of "the talk", which to most students would have been a health class. For us, it meant that during P.E. 1 week, the boys were taken to talk with the male P.E. teacher who was some student from the nearby university who came once a week and made us do jumping jacks and play kick ball. The girls were taken to a separate room, and I don't even remember who actually was there with us. I honestly don't think it was one of the nuns, but there wasn't much talking anyway.

They showed us a movie.

Not just any movie, either. It was hosted by Andrea McCardle, the Annie from Broadway. Her and the other orphans discussing what was going to begin changing in our bodies.

For the record, I later remember one of the boys telling us that the gym teacher gave them an overview, answered some questions, and then they hung out.

And they wonder why the teenage pregnancy rate climbed?

So, back to this film....

And this is where it gets hazy, so bear with me.

I seem to remember the overall picture of how ovulation happened, where the ovaries were, and the whole deal. But I think I heard the narrator at some point discuss how rare it was that an egg was released from each ovary at the same time because the body watched that. That it was one month for one ovary, and then the next month the other ovary would get a turn. Back and forth, one ova at a time until they were all gone and withered up and died and menopause started.

Sorry about that last part.

Now, here is where my logic comes in, and why this month is one I am facing with dread:

Month 1, September, the left ovary had something too small, and the right one had something even smaller.

Month 2, October, absolutely nothing in either ovary. Nada, zilch, zero.

Month 3, November, the left ovary had 2 beautiful follicles, and the right one looked like a picture of a black hole.

So if it is going back and forth, and can someone tell me if it doesn't??, then this month would be the right side's turn again. The one that seems to be less helpful than the left.

And the more I think on this version of my brain's lesson in anatomy, the more I am positive this baby of ours doesn't want to be born in CA. It apparently wants to be born in VA, because I am not pushing the move out. The only thing that would keep me here for the birth now is if I end up having to be put on bed rest and told I can't travel by the doctor.

Well, here is hoping that my brain is wrong and next Saturday we have something to work with......

I really am trying to stay positive, people. I swear.

I really don't like this feeling....

Earlier this year, under some severe peer pressure, I joined Facebook.

Prior to this, I fought the urge to become part of a social network, but hearing about the updates people had there and how my sister had managed to find most of her elementary school class had me itching. Add my cousin and closest friend to the mix, and that did it.

I have managed to reconnect with some people. In June, I went to a school festival at the Catholic school I attended from Kindergarten through 8th grade and got to see some people I hadn't seen in over 20 years. It was amazing to stand there and talk to them, and I do have to thank Facebook for that.

That and Farmville. I am okay with admitting my need to check on my plants and livestock everyday. My husband was worried, did a lot of eye rolling, but now comments on how nice it's all looking. I still cannot convince him to sign-up, but my brother/our roommate did, and even he is enjoying the farming.

Along with elementary school friends, I have managed to find some friends from high school who have been missing in my life for well over 15 years. I love that I can read updates from people all over the world, including a friend in Beijing. The internet is a beautiful place, I tell you.

Well, by now you are wondering about the title of the post and how my mood has improved so much from yesterday, yes?

Don't be fooled, people.

While I love the connections I am making with people who made such an impact on me growing up, I find myself mad. Mad at the fact that friends of mine are enjoying their newborns or announcing pregnancies and all I can do is try not to cry in front of my family.

Please don't think I am a horrible person. I am happy for these people, and love the picture of those tiny feet and hands and faces. They make me smile. But then that underlying feeling of...what is it?...is it remorse? Can I feel remorse over something I've never had?

I really don't know how to describe it, but it hits me from out of nowhere, and I find myself choking back tears. Like now as I type this. I feel pathetic, I really do, but I can't help any of it.

This was supposed to be the easy part. People do this all the time. They make babies. A lot of them completely unplanned, and sometimes not really wanted. Why can't it just happen like it's supposed to?

My closest friend reminded my of the delay she had in getting pregnant with her 2nd child. And to remember that when it's the right time, and the right baby, it will happen.

And I do truly believe this with all my being.

But at the same time, I really just want this feeling to just stop hurting me. I am just tired of hurting.

Second Verse, Same as the First!

Welcome to Month 4, Cycle Day 2!

Does the exclamation mark make you feel like I am happy? That I am positive? That I am in no way wondering what is wrong with my system because I had 2 perfectly viable follicles last month, and obviously ovulated because my period came with no further drug help, and still am without child?

Would it help if I had more than 1 exclamation mark?

For those who have been following the last few months, tonight I get to go to the pharmacy and pick up the wonderful Chlomid drug. Tomorrow I begin taking 3 pills a day for five days, increasing the hormones in my system to the point where I begin to weep before I even peel the skin off an onion. Somewhere deep in my brain, I feel sorry for the onion and the babies it could have had, and now I am killing it....

Seriously.

Oh! And the wonderful headaches that come with the hormone overdose! Yay!

No, I am not bitter. I swear it.

I just want to be pregnant. I really really do. And if believing in Santa will make it happen, I will go door to door to convince people he really is real.

Which I realize is letting all of you know just how desperate I am getting....

O Christmas Tree....

So, after the turkey was eaten, and the dishes cleared, we gathered in our living room for a new tradition:

Tree trimming on Thanksgiving.


My husband was good and got the tree set up that morning, with help from my nieces, and had it sitting lit with its tree skirt on. I had wanted him to go ahead and get the tree topper on, but he wanted everyone to be there for that. Which turned out to be a good idea and had everyone giggling later.


We started by going through the box of ornaments that I had finally organized last year. Before this year, I was digging through no less than 5 different boxes for things, and it was making us nuts. This year we had condensed it to 1 plastic tote box. I can honestly say that A was a happy man when it came time to dig out things from our storage closet.

Now, you have to remember that our tree is not exactly traditional. Yes, we do have some very pretty little ornaments in shades of blue with glitter. There are exactly 1 dozen of them. But outside of that, everything else hanging on the tree is more a direct reflection of ourselves. In all its nerdy, dorky goodness....


We have Megatron from the first Transformers movie. My husband has been a fan since he was a toddler, and when it came to pick out ornaments for our tree he had to have this one. The other one in the set is him in vehicle mode from the movie, but I can't seem to find the pic I swore I took of it.


I've always loved Tigger. Always. I have a mountain of plush Tiggers that I have collected over the years, and we found 2 copies of The Tigger Movie while cleaning up our DVDs this weekend. Not to mention the t-shirts and sweatshirts and hats and backpacks....

I think you get the idea.




If you hadn't noticed the tree skirt, I am also a fan of Sleeping Beauty. There are a couple of ornaments with my favorite princess, but the tree wouldn't be complete without Maleficent there as well.




This is technically my brother's ornament. My aunt went on a cruise I think, and saw it and thought of him. Since it is piratey, and all things piratey are good, it is displayed on the front of the tree. I just have to remember that when we put everything away to offer it back to him for his own tree next year.



Our first Christmas together, A's mother sent us this ornament. We had decided to take professional pictures that year, and as soon as I saw the ornament I placed one of them inside. It's hard to believe this is our 4th Christmas together, and this picture is from that first Winter together. Part of me wants to update that picture, but I like seeing the way time has passed.

Finally, the tree was as decorated as could be. I don't have pics of Batman, or the Share Bear ornament. I need to get those, as well as the one of Captain America and Bugs Bunny.

I told you we had a special tree.

The decision was made that the youngest should be the one to put the topper on the tree, and so we grabbed a chair and my youngest niece climbed up to do the honor.









There's no chimney in the house, but we do make sure to put up stockings each year. Mine is a plea for mercy, my husband's suits him, and my brother still uses the one my aunt made for him years ago....



I still cannot believe this will be my last Christmas in California. I loved that my family was there to do this together, and that we laughed and sang along to 80's music while doing it all. I'm always going to remember that night with them.

And, as you can see, even the cats were in a good mood that night...

Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right....

Here I am: Stuck in the middle....with you....

And I have been stuck since Saturday morning.

Last Tuesday, what would have been Day 23 of the cycle, I had an appointment with my Endocrinologist. I knew it was too early, but just so I could give her an honest answer, I took a home pregnancy test. Which came up negative, as expected due to the timing.

I didn't take it too seriously, and after she confirmed I had lost another 4 lbs since my last visit (a total of 20 lbs lost since May), she said it was too early. She had seen my chart, and was telling me to give it more time. So I decided to just get through Thanksgiving.

Well, I made it to Saturday. What would have been Day 27 of my cycle, and 2 days before my period was due.

I want you to know I tossed and turned Saturday morning, wondering if I should or shouldn't. There was 1 test left, and I really didn't want to spend more money on them if I didn't need to.

And curiosity did finally win out.

So, I peed on a stick, capped it, and set it aside. Then I grabbed the toilet paper and, per habit since the follicle scan, checked for spotting.

And there was blood.

To say I cried would be an understatement. I sobbed in a way I don't think I ever have. It felt as if my entire heart was being broken and my insides were dying. I didn't realize this would be so hard, this cycle not working, but it was. It was harder than anything I have gone through, and I still weep at the oddest moments. My husband cried with me at one point, and somehow we got through the day. I couldn't talk about it. I tried to explain it, and he was obviously frustrated that he couldn't do more for me. But how do you tell someone that it felt like your heart had stopped and died without making them feel horrible?

Sunday came and went, and I have been making every effort to smile and remain positive. Both for my sanity and my husband's. Poor A really was worried about me after the zombie I was Saturday, so I made sure he saw that I was going to move forward.

Which I will. If my period ever actually starts.

Internets, I have been randomly spotting and nothing else since Saturday. Which could mean my period needs time to start. Or that there is implantation happening.

So, I'm stuck waiting. Waiting and wondering what will happen next.

Mentally I am giving it until the end of the week. If no cycle, I will take another home test on Friday and then call the OB/GYN regardless of the results and see what she says to do. At this point I don't think I can cry anymore over this cycle, but you never know. And until my period does come, I will keep counting days. Today is Day 29.

...of course, you do realize once I hit "publish" that my period will begin, right?


Next up: lots of pics because I have a Christmas tree with a Yoda tree topper to share.

Giving Thanks (Part II)

To my family, both those related by blood and those I have added by choice, I thank you. You have been a source of joy and support that the years may not have been the same without. Especially to D and Em and Ning, who have always taken such good care of me when I didn't know I needed it.

I am most thankful for my life. I have almost everything I could need, and it feels good to know we have a roof over our heads and food on the table. A lot of people can't say that, and I always remember that when we hit the tight spot each month as rent clears.

I know this post is overdue, and there will be an explanation tomorrow. Right now, I am wanting to finish the weekend and relax 1 more day before returning to the office.

Giving Thanks (Part I)

While things this year have been challenging, I know that in the end I am a very lucky person. So I have to stop and give thanks for the things in my life that I do have and cherish.

The top of the list is my husband.

I give thanks everyday that we found each other. He completes me in every sense of the word, and without him I would feel empty inside. We tell each other how much we love each other multiple times a day, and it never feels as if it's just words. He knows it, I know it, and our families see it when they see us together.

Through the last 9 months of trying to conceive, he has been the one constant that has kept me focused and grounded. Even now, while we wait to see if it's happened, he remains positive while at the same time assuring me that it will happen for us when it's the right time. He has held my hand as I cried, kissed me to make all the bad thoughts go away, and made me laugh at times when I didn't think I possibly could.

Though, I do have to point out this last weekend.....

My hormones have been in overdrive, and some of the oddest things have made me weepy for no reason I can imagine. On Saturday, we sat down to watch Star Trek, the newest movie version, and have lunch.

For the record, I have seen this movie twice in theaters. I loved it, was excited to bring it home, and no part of the plot was a surprise at this point in the game.

Less than 2 minutes in, I am crying uncontrollably. Not just crying: Deep sobs that I.Could.Not.Stop.

I looked over at him and he wants to know what is wrong. He is so concerned, and looks worried that something has happened.

Which is when I explain that I know what's about to happen to George Kirk and I just cannot stop thinking about it and the tears won't stop.

He gave a deep sigh and looked at me with a huge smile on his face.

"This is going to be a long 9 months...."

I am so thankful that he gets me and loves me for the emotional idiot I am.....

And now a break....

Last year, I worked 11 hour days for the 3 business days leading to Thanksgiving while my co-worker was out.

This year, I am off. Well, technically I will be working for 2 hours each morning to cover our opening shift. It means being up and answering calls at 6am, but then I have the day to myself.

The upside: time with Andrew to prep for the Holiday and time with my family

The downside: more time to sit and wonder if that bit of gas was my uterus expanding

In speaking to my cousin, I have decided that I am going to ask him to hide the home pregnancy tests we have at home. I am itching to just do it, but don't want to jump the gun.

Next week, I will be back to post. And I plan to share the things I am thankful for in this crazy mixed up life.

Right now, all my brain can function on is how many hours I have to stay at my desk...

I am losing my mind...

Before the internet, I wonder what women waiting to test for pregnancy did.

I know that I spend my time on sites reading about symptoms to look for, when to test, and how long the trip from the fallopian tube to the uterus is so I know when to start looking for spotting. Cause, you know, that could be a sign of implantation.

My husband isn't fully aware of this new obsession. This is what I do at work between projects. Everyone is amazed at the speed I am getting things done. All to have more time obsessing online over my possible pregnancy.

This has started to leak into my real life at home too. And so far I think the husband is getting a kick out of my odd questions.

For example, last night:

Me: Honey, can you come here and check something for me?

A: (while walking into the bedroom) What did you need, babe?

Me: Feel my breasts.

A: Excuse me?

Me: Feel my breasts. Are they feeling fuller or different yet?

A: Why would they feel different?

Me: It's a pregnancy sign....

A: It hasn't even been a week....

Me: Can you please just do this?

A: (after walking over and "examining" my chest)Well, they do feel a little different....

Me: Different how? Fuller? Do they look bloated??

A: .....I don't know how to describe it, hon. Just different...

Me: Maybe I should wait a few more days and ask you to check again!

A: Anything you want, hon....


Have I mentioned what a long 2 weeks this is going to be?

Trying to Relax

I am really trying not to think about what might be going on inside me. I just want to relax and go about life as normally as possible.

But it's so hard. We both smile at home. My family is sending good thoughts and prayers our way. So are countless friends.

Yesterday I found myself counting weeks. Based on the 1st day of my last cycle, 40 weeks out would make our due date 08/09/10. I couldn't help but giggle. We managed to get married on 08/08/08 and now this.

It also doesn't help when the OB/GYN jumps ahead of the game as well.

I literally just got off the phone with someone saying I was referred to them for a screening. A genetic screening. With the pre-natal team. Would I prefer an amnio or ultrasound-type test done?

I had to laugh. And then explain that I didn't even have a positive pregnancy test yet.

Shouldn't we wait to confirm there is a baby first?

This is going to be a very long couple of weeks.....

Feeling Relieved

Saturday's appointment started normally.

Once again, my normal OB/GYN wasn't available, so we met with a new doctor. I liked her. She was smart and direct and had a genuine smile.

She started with my right ovary, which was there and visible thanks to the water I chugged on the way in. That's a tip most people don't mention: drink water. It made this experience so much easier this time.

There was 1 small follicle, but it was too small to work with.

And then she went to the left.

There were 2. She showed them to us on the screen. They were there, looking at us and ready to go.

You cannot imagine the relief that poured through me. We had just asked her about the dosage limits on the Chlomid, and I was a little worried that in the end it would not happen for us without a lot of money and patience. But there they were, 2 follicles looking perfect.

She told us that this looked to be the right dosage, and asked if I wanted an injection.

For most women, the follicle is enough to know that ovulation is coming and to get to work. With my system, there may be the need for a boost. So that is what we did.

I was given an injection of some hormone at about 10 am. She then told us that it would trigger ovulation usually after 41 hours. So, we needed to just relax and go home.

And have lots of sex.

That has to be the best prescription ever given by a doctor.

So, it's almost 48 hours later and I can honestly say we did everything we could to get things in line. We have another 2 week wait before testing, and even that could still be negative. But it's working, it is really working. And that feeling of relief has made everything feel so amazingly wonderful.

I am going to leave you with something my wonderful husband said that made me giggle. And still has us grinning.

He is a big Transformers fan, dating back 25 years to their start. We were snuggling and talking when he placed his hand on my stomach and leaned down. And there, in our post-coital bliss, in his best Megatron voice, said out loud:

Deceptisperm! ATTACK!!

I love that man...

Trying to Stay in the Now

My alarm literally went off just minutes ago. A reminder:

Follicle scan in 24 hours.

So far, negative ovulation tests. Not surprising, but I still feel anxious. And I still hate that empty circle staring back at me.

We have a full evening planned tonight. I don't want to think about it or stress at all. I want to be able to just go with the flow and be prepared to come home and deal with another month of nothing.

But it's just so hard to not think about it.

Yesterday, work sent out the 2010 Holiday Schedule. We get Christmas Eve off, and also the 27th. Then for New Year's, we get the Eve off and then the Monday after, the 3rd. So if I take the 3 business days of between holidays, I literally end up with 11 days of no work.

I told A and pointed out that it will be our first Christmas in VA, and with a new baby it would be so great to take that time off.

He smiled.


Please oh please, let there be a follicle tomorrow morning.

An Attempt At Taking Control

The normal monthly routine has been:

Call doctor on Cycle Day 1
Start Clomid on Cycle Day 3
Stop Clomid after taking last pill on Cycle Day 7
Follicle Scan on Cycle Day 13
Baskin Robbins for dinner on Cycle Day 13
Ovulation tests every morning for the next 7 days
Begin Progesterone

Rinse and repeat....

This month I am trying to get ahead of the game. I am picking up the ovulation kits tonight to start tomorrow. My gut tells me I should be monitoring it a little more closely.

I am going to listen to that instinct.

While I am trying to be realistic for this Saturday's appointment, there is a little more hopefulness this time that I know will lead to tears come more bad news.

This time, though, I have a plan for the crying:

My mom is coming over Saturday afternoon to watch PS: I Love You and Up! with me. A little company and a good cry will fix anything....

There's A Box on the Fridge

My current employer is a dream come true. Besides the salary, the location and people cannot be beat. I honestly love my job.

The last employer I had was fun. The commute was the worst thing imaginable, but the people I worked with made me want to be there. I just couldn't beat the camaraderie or fun had on basically a daily basis.

Our manager, though, was a little off. She had some issues with moods, and there were stories. Of things being thrown at people. Like large soup cans. Because she was having a bad day.

I don't think I ever crossed her directly. But I did spend time with people she thought were a bad influence because they didn't do what she wanted.

She was notorious for setting her own ours. Our department operated from 6am to 5pm, Monday through Friday. We knew that if she was there before 9 there was an emergency, and I think there was a period where we may not have seen her for several days. There was the ability to work from home, and I think she took advantage of it as often as it was possible.

The floor plan for the department was pretty open. When you stepped off the elevator, you were in direct view of one end of the department, and her arrival was quietly made known to those of us who had to be a little more careful than others.

And I cannot tell you how much I laughed when I realized that the whispering of "Coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs!" was the officially warning for her arrival. People who were not in the know always looked at us oddly over this, but it never failed to bring a smile to a stressful situation.

Leaving there was hard. The commute was killing me, and I had to make a break. My last day was sad, I couldn't help but want to cry. But when I arrived at work they had gotten me a gift:

A box of Cocoa Puffs, autographed by our little group of misfits.

It made the move from our apartment to the house we are renting now, and will make the trip to VA. And every time I look at it, the memories of the whispered warning and the giggling faces makes me wish I could go back and do it one more time with that group of people. They were the greatest, and I am so glad that I can still call them friends.

This has been a real Monday....

Though, since the problem started yesterday, would it still count?

We currently are living paycheck to paycheck, and being careful about spending. Yes, there are some splurges, but those are slowly being curbed. Luckily, we have groceries, the bills are all paid, and rent is taken care of.

Then we walked outside yesterday and noticed my left side rear passenger tire was low. Really low. Low enough to sound really painful as we drove to the gas station for air.

We inflated said tire, checked the pressure on the others, and could see no real visible leak. Just to be safe, in to the gas station for something to spray into the tire to hold the leak at bay. My next paycheck is not until the end of this week, and right now we are just squeaking by.

It held okay. We did use the stuff for the tire, inflated it again, and basically crossed our fingers overnight.

This morning, the tire was low, but not as bad as the night before. I put more air in, and carefully drove to work. When I got out there, I went to see how the drive impacted the tire, and that's when I actually worried.

The leak was coming for cracks along the wheel edge. The tires on the car are all old, so it was going to be time soon. The problem was where to come up with money when there was none to spare.

And that was when my manager walked up to me in the parking lot.

She didn't waste anytime sending me home to work for the day and take care of this. If I haven't mentioned it before, I love this company I work for so much.

At home, work was being done while ways to come up with money. I called to get quotes, and then found that the lesser of two quotes had an option to apply for credit with them.

And that is how my car ended up with 4 new tires today. They also did a free brake inspection and found that there was a problem with 1 of the axles, so they took care of everything.

All within my new credit limit with them.

So, while we are now in further debt, I have to say thank to Wheel Works. Without them, I really don't know what we would have done today...

My Apologies to the Pilgrims For Skipping Ahead

Last night, A and I went on a trip to the local Target to wander with my mom. She was looking for something specific. We were there to look. And buy more prenatal pills and tampons.

Yes, it's my cycle right now. But I have been taking the prenatal pills since April, mainly to insure I was getting enough Folic Acid in my system. I read the articles about the development of the baby's spinal column, and with everything that we are going through to make this happen, I am not taking additional risks. So vitamins everyday.

Though standing in line with the pills in one hand and the tampons in the other made me giggle. And had A rolling his eyes at me.

Back to the Target trip....

We are both of the mind that each holiday should get its season in turn. Having Christmas decorations in the same aisle as the Halloween costumes in September makes us both growl.

I love my husband.

Christmas for me is wonderful. I love the tree and the family time. My husband has always worked retail, so for him this was the time of the year where the urge to hurt shoppers became overwhelming most days. With him being home, this year will be different. He is actually looking forward to being able to enjoy it all and let me actually listen to Christmas music at home.

I get goosebumps from the excitement. You have no idea.

We have had a tree every year since we have lived together. It's artificial, but I love the size, and we bought the ornaments together.

Now, remember: We are the geekiest dorks I know. So our tree is special...

Yes, there are regular ornaments, but not as many as the character ones. Mainly Star Wars related. With Batman and some Marvel superheroes included, of course. And the tree skirt is all about Disney's Sleeping Beauty, the only princess of the group I could honestly get behind.

That's a whole different post.

So last night, 3 weeks before Thanksgiving proper, we started looking at ornaments for this year. And instead found the world's greatest Christmas tree topper ever:

You know you are jealous about this! His light saber lights up and everything!!!

He's safely at home, sitting in his box. I've already told my family that this year we are going to have Thanksgiving dinner, and then set up and decorate the tree together. It's my last Christmas with them here, and I want to do it all with them. Once the tree is decorated, there will be pictures. As many as I think this blog can handle will be shared.

I cannot wait to see the light saber all lit up at the top of our tree!!

Cycle Day 3: Bring on the Chlomid!

I am trying to be better about tracking everything. I want to be able to look back someday and laugh at how frustrating it was before I got pregnant.

See that? That's me being optimistic and positive.

When it didn't work in September, I was so devastated. I honestly was on the phone crying to my mom and best friend. Demanding to know why I had to go through this, pleading with them about the unfairness of it all, and hoping I hadn't let A down by not working as promised. Wasn't this just supposed to work?

October...

Something in that first breakdown drained me, I think. When the scan showed nothing in October, I felt numb. I had already come to terms with it not working right away and needing to be patient.

And now it's November....

This month, I am somewhere in the middle.

A few nights ago, we were out doing an errand when A looked over at me and asked, "At what point do we give up on this and just do an IVF?"

I was proud of myself for not bursting in to tears and instead calmly explaining that if I couldn't ovulate and produce a good follicle, there was nothing to work with. We had to keep trying each month until the magic dosage happened, and then start on the next phase.

Now, if he asked me that question today it would be different. This cycle has had cramps, mood swings, and bloating. And all that before the Chlomid this morning.

Maybe the heightened sensitivity to online ads for needy children is a sign that the dosage this month will work.

That, or we can blame the full moon and early summer weather in the middle of Fall.

I am actually hoping for the first one up there right now. It's the only thing on my Christmas list....

Shaving the Kitty

Before anyone wonders:

This is really about Shadow. Nothing else. So if you were thinking this is an innuendo you are wrong.

I'm not allowed to discuss those things in public. It falls under "sharing too much information".

So, back to Shadow.

My beautiful boy has an amazingly long, soft, fluffy coat of gray fur. I love petting him, and he loves to purr when being admired.

Unfortunately, especially for A, the weather here is wrecking havoc with him. It's cold one week, so his coat thickens. The next week, we are back to 80 degree days, and he sheds again. Considering how neat he keeps himself, there is a lot of cleaning going on.

Which results in hairballs.

I feel so bad for him. It is literally becoming something that happens every 2-3 days, and A is home and hearing it. And cleaning it.

Which means I later get to hear about it.

We are contemplating having him groomed. Seriously groomed. To the point where his brother will end up having more fur than him.

I've promised to call and ask about pricing and appointments. I have confirmed that there is a PetSmart that can do this for us.

But it's breaking my heart to think of him missing all that beautiful fur.....

If decisions like this are so hard when dealing with the cat, can you imagine our child's first haircut??

Cycle 3: Day 1

Well, the call has been made. Today is officially logged as Day 1.

Chlomid is being increased and the prescription picked up tonight or tomorrow. Depends on my mood. The taking of the drug will commence on Thursday, Day 3, and should end next Monday, Day 7.

The scan is scheduled for the 14th.

Friday the 13th would have been more appropriate if you ask me.

I'm going in to this month being positive and optimistic. While pregnancy is still at the top of the list for this year, right now I am seriously content with the time I am getting with A at home.

For the record: I have not loaded the dishwasher in almost 2 weeks. And my laundry is all clean. His staying home is really making my weekends restful. Which when pregnant will only help more.

Now, if only I could remember to put the laundry away instead of leaving it folded in the basket. On the dining room table. Which used to be the habit of his that made me nutty. And now he is the one who makes the comments to me...

What an odd reversal of roles......

Somehow We Missed Winter

Last week was one of those great Fall weeks where it's cool, but comfortable. There was no worry of rain for Halloween. Everything felt good.

Well, except for the fact we were dying. Apparently I managed to bring home one DOOSIE of a cold. NO FLU!! Just a cold. But this one managed to attack everyone in the house, and we are still dealing with the coughing.

Which is why the weather since Saturday is frustrating.

See, to me, cough and cold season means snuggling and warm soup and some warm tea. Staying home in comfy pajamas and taking care of yourself while watching movies from under a pile of blankets.

Nothing is worse than a full on cold when it feels like summer is coming on. Who wants to have a runny nose and be sweaty, but not from a fever??

Which is why the 80 degree weather we have had the last 2 days is making me shake my little fist at Mother Nature.

Can it please get cold now?

My How the Time Flies...

I really don't know what happened to October.

Once the husband stopped working, things seemed to slow and calm, and life just is more....relaxed.

I honestly never realized how stressed I was for him.

Today was day 7 of taking pills to stimulate a cycle. Unlike last month, it looks like this time I may need to actually take all the pills to get this moving. We are still hoping for something next month, but the more time I get to spend enjoying my husband, the less anxious I am about it. I love our time together alone, and rather than stress about what isn't working, I have started to enjoy everything that does work between us.

And people, that is pretty much everything.

Especially now that he does the dishes!!

So now it's just waiting for the weekend and seeing where things will take us next...

Back to Starting Line

So today began the first round of drugs. AGAIN. 10 days from now I should be starting my cycle, and then from there more Clomid and another scan.

If this one goes along as it should, then the scan will be on the 13th of November. If there is a follicle and we get to move forward then I get to take a pregnancy test on Thanksgiving.

So many "ifs" in this process.

On the bright side, I have realized something this week:

Laundry done by someone else for you seems to be softer than when you have to do it yourself.

Cha-cha-cha-changes!

I officially am the sole supporter of our family and A is now a house husband.

Things at his employer of 3 years reached a point on Monday morning where he just couldn't do it anymore. He went to HR. He asked for a compromise. He asked for help.

And his store said no.

Corporate HR basically told him he could return to work in the circumstances as they were or quit. We talked about it, about the delay to our move plans, about how this would mean no big Christmas, about what his new role would be. And in the end I told him I would always have his back and support his decisions, but it had to be his decision and I was not going to push him one way or another.

Needless to say he is the happiest I have seen in a long time. And my living room is dust free and organized. Today it is being vacuumed and he is cleaning the kitchen.

The best part: I get a relaxed Christmas! His work in retail drains any Christmas spirit from him, so he is already talking about getting the tree up early and being able to enjoy the holidays.

He's applied at a couple of places, but I have promised the pressure is off until after the Holidays. I want him to enjoy it.

That and I won't be cleaning AT ALL for the rest of the year!!

What a difference a month makes...

Well, technically there wasn't too much of a difference. Physically. Emotionally it's a vast improvement.

No follicle again. Ovulation tests for 1 week again. Then more drugs and try it again next month.

My normal doctor is off Wednesdays, so today we had another doctor see us. He was rather interesting, and very straight forward. His honesty made things easier to deal with.

Especially his parting words as he shoke my hand again:

You know, people do get pregnant. You just won't have 10 kids.

That last laugh made it easier to come home and get back to work.

And now to start the process again...

Dancing Through Life....

I'm literally move from 1 item on the calendar to the next these days.

Last Friday I was able to see Wicked with my eldest niece. We never really do anything alone, and it was nice to be able to talk and enjoy a show.

Sunday had me in the ultimate nerd paradise as the husband and I attended Star Wars in Concert. I have pics, and some background on why Star Wars will always be special to us as a couple, but that will be a separate post.

Today I am waiting for tomorrow.

Scan day.

I keep saying out loud that I am not expecting it to happen this month. Better in November, since August is really our month, so the baby would come then. So if there is nothing there it will be fine. It will be better that way.

But my heart is not buying in to this.

So tonight, it's pizza and snuggles, and tomorrow morning I get to face reality.

Torn

Other than a really long drive home on Sunday (we stopped at every Toys R Us between Reno and home), the week has been slowly moving along. Tomorrow will be my 5th and final day on Clomid. The scan is scheduled for the 14th. And this time it's in the morning and I am working from home.

I almost did take the day off completely. But if there is nothing there, then I will need to keep busy. And technically I am off at 3 because I have to start at 6 that morning.

But that's not the reason behind this post....

One of my closest and bestest friends is now a father. His wife gave birth yesterday to a healthy baby boy.

I am so happy for him in so many ways. But I am so jealous and mad as well....

They decided less than a year ago to start trying. She dropped the pill at Thanksgiving. And was pregnant in time for New Year's.

Every time I look at the info for the baby's stats I want to cry. The tears are happiness that this little life is here, has two loving parents, and a whole future ahead of himself.

But with that comes the overpowering fear that I may never get to have this.

What a difference a month makes....

Last month I was agonizing over taking pills and counting days and wondering when my cycle would begin.

Based on that experience, I looked at the calendar and decided that starting pills last Sunday would mean I would have a cycle starting on or about October 9th if I was lucky. So when I won an overnight stay in Reno through a radio station I booked it for this weekend, so we would get a night away from everyone.

Guess what started today, on day 6 of the Progesterone??

Which means on Sunday I begin round 2 of the Chlomid. And I think I get a scan around the 13th.

Here is hoping Ocotber is a good month....

It's that time...

October is here, and with it comes a change to the weather.

I have decided that rather than stick to the traditional season names, Fall will now be referred to as Snuggle. And now I will get to explain why...

Have I ever mentioned that my husband runs hot? As in, his average body temp is always above 98.6 and so hot weather is more miserable for him. But when that passes, he is the strange man in t-shirts while everyone else is huddled under layers of sweaters and coats.

I tend to run cold. Now, I don't have any scientific fact to provide like my husband has with his medical records, but I am always cold unless it is at least 80 out. And in the summer, when the AC is on, I am wrapped in blankets.

So this time of the year is Snuggle because it is the start of the only period when we can sleep and watch television while sitting close on the couch. He won't be complaining about how warm it is when I lay my head on his leg, and I will get to absorb some excess heat while sleeping next to him.

That is if I get to get that close.

There is a definite downside to Snuggle, and it results in a sore neck and stiff muscles.

No pervs, it's not that. Whatever you were thinking, stop.

The problem is with our cats.

With the new season coming on so quick (it was in the 90s Sunday, rained Monday morning, and cold ever since), they haven't gotten to thicken out their coats for the cold. This results in the smaller one trying to get under the blankets on the couch, but only there. He doesn't want to be under the blankets in the bed, because apparently it's much nicer to wait for me to fall asleep and curl up close to my abdomen. While his bigger brother squeezes his big butt in between A and I to get warm.

So, now you have to visualize:

I sleep on my left side, in a half-fetal position. Pressed between my stomach and the edge of the bed is a cat trying to get warm. Behind me, on our queen size bed, my husband is normally on this right side, more on his stomach actually, and there is a 3-4 inch strip of bed between us. That Shadow has decided is his, so he slithers in there to sleep.

I'm pinned. Warm, but pinned. And currently still working off the stiff neck.

Welcome to Snuggle!

Just Cause

It's been a long week, and no ovulation in sight. I am tempted to just call the doctor today and tell her to give me the drugs, but I will be good.

Since this actually had me giggling last night, I thought I would share it here:





I hope everyone has a good weekend!

Couldn't there be a better way?

I am being good and following doctor's orders: ovulation tests every day, roughly the same time everyday.

I even was good and read the full instruction pamphlet. So, since I never remember to do the dumb thing in the morning, I make sure that I wait four hours from the last time I pee before leaving home before using the test at work.

Part of me wants to not bother. Just bring on the next round of drugs and let's get moving already!

Especially because of the test.

Having been through this before when we first started trying, I didn't even look at the tests that involve 2 lines. Why? Because you aren't just looking for a second line. Oh no, that line has to be visible and DARKER than the base line.

I just don't want to be squinting in the bathroom, running around looking for someone to verify if they think the pink is darker, and don't mind that the stick has my urine on it....

So I paid more for 7 tests that have a digital display on it. It pretty much guarantees you cannot goof up the test, and in 3 minutes you have something on the display to look at.

If you are ovulating, it's this cute little smiley face.

If not....

Well, this is what frustrates me. Because the display shows you an open circle. Basically, it's the outline of the smiley face but with no face or mouth.

So you are faced with staring at this empty circle. Which, to someone who really wants to get pregnant, starts to look like a gaping empty uterus.

Course, this could all be my imagination....

My Bear

During our trip to Virginia in May, we spent a couple of days with his family at their local mall.

My husband is a shopper. While he may not shop for himself, he does actually enjoy shopping for me. I have come to rely on his opinion when looking at things to buy for myself. And we have learned that 99% of stores will allow you to take your spouse into a dressing room with you.

Even Target!

That trip, there was no clothes shopping. But we did see something in the window that made us realize we were in trouble.

The Build-A-Bear shop had a display with costumes, and these were proudly viewable from outside the store:





We promptly went in and agreed to create Peter together. The person there didn't make us go through all the hoops they are supposed to, and in the end we were quite satisfied with our little webslinger.

On the second to last day there, after much discussion, we both realized we wanted to go back. He wanted Tony, I wanted Bruce. How did we justify the spending of money on stuffed bears?? Easy:

They'll be placed in the nursery with the baby and be their first real bears.

Since we are of the superhero loving persuasion, it seems perfect to have them there, and we didn't want to run the risk of them being dicontinued.

Fast forward to this last Friday....

After returning from the doctor's office, the only thing I wanted to do was sleep. I was so exhausted, and I hurt from crying. I quite honestly walked in to the house, put on pajamas, and curled up on the couch to rest.

And when I asked for Batman, A went and brought him to me. And then sat on the floor by my head to play video games where he could still be nearby.

I woke up over an hour later, still clutching the bear. And able to see that A was still seated right in front of me, on the floor.

He hadn't moved.

My favorite hugs from A are big ones, where it feels like he is squeezing the very breath from me in an enormous bear hug.

And he made me feel safer than any stuffed teddy bear ever could at that moment on Friday.

Not Quite....

I want to start by saying I really did marry the right man.

Friday morning, as he was leaving work to walk home, he called me at work and asked if I wanted him there at the scan. I told him that of course I did. And he said he would be ready.

I think he got more than he bargained for.

The follicle scan involved taking a rather long wand, which had the ultrasound device at it's head, and basically inserting in to me.

And he stood there, holding my hand, and watching the screen as my doctor explained what she was looking for.

First of all, my uterus was doing the right thing. It was a couple of inches thick, which means it was prepping for fertilization. When she said this I know my pulse increased because I suddenly was so hopeful. I was still realistic, she had even said that the only 50% of people see the clomid work on the lowest dosage. But the news that my body was prepping like it should had me excited.

She had explained that she was looking for a follicle at least 2 centimeters big. Since I know someone asked, a follicle is what a ripened egg is referred to. When ovulation is about to happen, the chosen ova enlarges and a follicle forms around it, which I understand helps it to be released during the actual ovulation process. What she wanted was at least 1 that was big enough so that we could take the next step. Because the clomid is working to stimulate my body into ovulating, there is a chance that more than 1 follicle will be present, and that could results in multiples if they are all released and become fertilized.

Next came the search for my ovaries. The first was found after about 3 minutes of searching. And there was a follicle. But it was only .75 centimeters and she said it just wouldn't do.

It took her 10 minutes to find my other ovary. Apparently I am going to be difficult, and next time I need to drink some water to help with the ultrasound next time.

Yes, there will be a next time as of this moment. Because there were no other follicles.

She said she was going to count this as a fail. There is still a very low chance that the follicle she did see will mature in the next few days and I could ovulate. So I have a package of ovulation kits, and I start using them on Monday. After 1 week, if nothing has happened, I need to call and have her prescribe a higher dosage of clomid and refill the drugs to jump start my cycle.

And we begin counting days until the next appointment.

She tried to be positive. She offered word of encouragement. Then she said we would talk soon and walked out.

And I cried.

I have cried on and off for the last 29 hours. I can talk about it now without being a complete wreck, which is why I felt I could write it down.

A just held me. He told me later in the car that he didn't know how to help me, but to just tell him what I needed, or go call who I needed to in order to get through this.

When we finally went to bed last night I told him he had done perfectly.

So for now, we are still waiting. I've reached a low I didn't think I could. Part of me feels like I have failed, that I am broken, that I have let down my husband.

He smiles at me and says that I am silly and he loves me.

We both have agreed my cousin is right: this baby will be so loved because of what we will be going through to make it happen. And it will happen. We will be amazing parents, and all this love will result in a wonderful family.

It just has to happen.

The Middle of Nowhere

Have you ever seen the movie Michael?

This has to be one of my favorite John Travolta movies, and I have had it on the brain lately. I am stuck on the song that one of the characters writes and sings in the movie....

Sittin' by the side of the road in the middle of nowhere
I don't know where I'm goin' but I hope I know it when I get there.

Tomorrow is the scan and I can't help worrying.

I am the most positive person you will ever come to know. When presented with obstacles I normally find a way through them. Even when things look bleak, my husband is frustrated, and there looks to be no immediate relief I am always telling him that things will be okay. We will make it. It will work out.

I am so glad he isn't asking me that today.

The closer to that appoint I get, the more my emotions take over and the tears threaten to fall. I want to believe that we will hear positive news, that things will happen, and we will have a healthy baby of our own right off the start.

And it will happen when the time is right, I know that.

I just want it to be happening now.

A lot rides on this appointment. We will be looking at locking down a move date based on when the pregnancy happens, and I have to look at insurance for us and what will be best in the end. I think all that added pressure is making it worse, and it has me truly expecting to leave the appointment tomorrow, feeling crushed. Told that we have to wait another 4 weeks, at the minimum, as we try another dosage and see if it works for us.

I just want this to work....

And how this story ends, only heaven knows.

Phase 1: Complete

We survived the first round of pills.

I can honestly say that I found myself more emotional. Little things had me in tears, and it was hard to anticipate what would do it. One moment I'd be watching something on Food Network. Then they would critique things and I would get misty.

It was weird.

The only other oddity so far has been the dreams.....

Every night. The two of us and our children. The twins. Sometimes triplets. One night there were quadruplets.

While I would love to have 2, I'm not sure if this constitutes a dream or nightmare.

But I still can't stop thinking about Friday.....

On the walk out from the pharmacy...

Me: oh boy....

A: what's wrong?

Me: Common side effects include breast tenderness, dizziness, enlarged breasts, flushing, headache, hot flashes, lightheadedness, mood change, nausea, pelvic pain or bloating, stomach pain, and vomiting.

A: .....

Me: Yeah, it's like the worst PMS trip possible times 1000.

A: What makes you think that after all that I'll want to even have sex with you?

Me: I think they figured that in. I take this for 5 days, then 5 days after I go for the follicle scan. Then we start trying.

A: So you have almost a week to make it up to me?

Me: Yup.

A: You are so making this up to me......

Since I am sharing everything...

I just finished on the phone with the doctor.

I have a prescription to pick-up tonight.

And a follicle scan scheduled for September 18th.

Now it's just a matter of time....

Marital Bliss

We spent the 3 day weekend together, completely high on the idea of having time just to ourselves.

Yes, we have a roommate, but he is so easy-going that it's never a bad thing when we are all home together. We all laugh and watch the same shows, and when we get to giggling about things it never ends. Just ask my cousin about the KFC commercial and our giggling at the word "chicken" when said just right....

I don't know why, but every long weekend this year has seemed full of things and people and rarely any time to sit and just relax. This weekend was the exact opposite of those past weekends, and I can tell we needed it.

Well, it was picture perfect until yesterday morning.

I think I've mentioned in the past that I don't suffer from normal PMS type symptoms. But the 1 or 2, such as intense cravings and mood swings, are noticeable when things are happening.

I have never been so anxious to have my monthly visitor arrive, but at the same time so overwhelmed with urges for chocolate and potato chips and french fries covered in cheese sauce.

With a side order of potstickers and chicken fried rice.

And a soda.

Never, I repeat NEVER, go to the grocery store when like this. It leads to 20 minutes of wandering, with employees looking at you weird, as you pass the bakery, sniff at the warm food in the deli, and stare longingly at the ice cream behind its big glass doors.

All with my beloved husband following me and encouraging me to get what I think I need to get through the day.

I love that man.

Especially because this was AFTER driving to Target to return something. The drive out and back was something else. I could tell my mood was swinging, seriously hitting various places on the spectrum. If you could have just seen A's face when he asked me if I was okay. Each time he asked(and there were multiple times), I would smile and reassure him it was just me feeling "off" and it wasn't him. He'd hug me and say he just wanted to make sure he hadn't done anything to upset me.

I really REALLY love that man.

When we finally arrived home, with a mini chocolate creme pie and a small roll to eat a tuna sandwich with before I made guacamole.....

Well, let's say I realized that it was that time, called the OB/GYN to leave a voice mail, and am now waiting to hear back.

Clomid, come to mama!

Wait...How did this happen again?

Next week, my amazing nieces will be 16.

Identical twins, they are my favorite teenagers ever. Moving next year will mean not being able to see them when I want, and that is the part that kills me when I stop to think about it.

I mentioned their birthday to a co-worker who knows we are moving. If the move goes according to plan, we will be gone roughly a year before returning to see them graduate from high school.

As a part of the Class of 2011.

Just 1 year shy of my 20th high school reunion.

When the hell did I get so old?

Day 10

A few weeks ago, my aunt was going to have surgery. I called a few days beforehand, when I heard something was up, just to check on her and say hi.

After chatting for a bit, somehow the talk of babies came up. And that's when I realized that either a) my mom and cousin really had said nothing to her, b) my aunt really is THAT good at pretending she doesn't partake in gossiping, or c) when she complains about her memory getting worse with each year she really is serious.

In any case, I told her we were having trouble getting pregnant, and she asked what was wrong. And then I realized that I may not have explained it that well here before.

So here is what I told her, in basic terms:

I have been diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, what they call PCOS. What it means to me is that my system is just out of sorts. The extra fat I am carrying has helped cause extra issues, like my diabetes, and basically has my system all out of sorts. Thanks to that, my erratic hormones are preventing me from ovulating regularly. So, I have eggs sitting there, ready to meet with A's sperm in the hopes of producing a healthy child, but because of my bad habits my body is stopping that from happening on its own.

Both my Endocrinologist and OB/GYN have told me that if I can get the diabetes and weight under control, my system will regulate itself eventually, and things will happen. But it could be 1 month, 6 months, or even years before it is straightened out. I am 35 now, and I want a family with my husband. I want the chance in 2 or 3 years to have another baby and not be 60 when they graduate from high school. I want to maybe see them get married and start a family of their own.

Selfish, I know. But I want certain things.

So I was given another option by both doctors, which is essentially a "boost" to force my system to ovulate and release an egg that is ready to be fertilized and let nature work its magic. With the help of Clomid, things may work out.

And that is what I am waiting for now.

Last Tuesday, during the Great Doctor Marathon of 2009, I called in for my refill of a drug given to me in late April by my OB/GYN. This magic pill, taken over 10 days, will trigger a period. Since I magically managed to have a cycle in late July, the timing was pretty good to force this along. It's a generic of Provera, and the last time I took it my cycle started on the 3rd day. I let the OB/GYN know this, so her instructions were to take this pill and call her on the first day of my cycle. If the cycle started before the 10 days were up I was to stop taking the pill and call her so she could prescribe Clomid.

Clomid is the magic drug that I think I have been fantasizing about since March. This pill I will take starting on the 3rd day of my cycle. On the 13th day after my cycle begins, I will have my first ultrasound ever. If the follicles are there, and everything looks to be ready to do it's job, I get an injection. That injection will actually force the real ovulation process to begin, and the goal is to introduce sperm and egg within 24 hours.

Today is Day 10 on the generic Provera, the last day to take the pill that is supposed to start my cycle, and I haven't so much as spotted. I am supposed to give it 3 days from now to see if something happens, and this is starting to test my patience. I think it would be different if last time there had been a delay, but that wasn't the case and now I want the same thing to happen this time.

Why the anxiousness? I mean, besides the obvious?

Clomid has different dosage levels, and the rule is to start me on the lowest one. So, if it doesn't work out, we have to do this again in another month. And maybe even the month after that. One cycle at a time until we get the results we want.

I have never wanted my monthly visitor to arrive as much as I do now.

Every time I look at a calendar, I see it blocked off in 4 week increments, showing me the windows of opportunity for each month.

And all the empty space in between each cycle...

That just makes me wonder how long this will really take.