Wednesday, June 30, 2010

10 Weeks Later

My sister pointed out to me that it has been 10 weeks since I left CA with A.

10 weeks.

The time has flown for the most part. I miss my family, especially when odd things remind me of them. I think mentally I have picked out gifts for Christmas for everyone based on their likes and things I have seen here that I know they would get a kick out of.

I haven't finished unpacking. The urge to nap seems to overpower the urge to be organized.

That and this deep need for Frosted Flakes. With lots of ice cold milk...

It will be another 11 months before I return. And then it will be to visit so I can watch my nieces graduate from high school.

In the meantime, I continue to play with my microscope/kaleidoscope each morning.

Today it made me think of playing Sim City and setting up all the roads. I don't know why, but I suddenly wanted to turn on the natural disaster setting to see what havoc I could wreck...

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Like Spots Through the Microscope...

The great science experiment is continuing here.

Yesterday didn't have anything too exciting:

Today had me thinking that there were signs of something, but I think I am looking at it too hard:

I think it's a lot like reading tea leaves. Which has me thinking of Harry Potter and how Hermione couldn't see it. She was too logical to believe in something so flighty.

Personally, I like to believe I am as logical as Hermione. But it doesn't stop me from starting into the microscope and turning it like a kaleidoscope. I think I just keep hoping it will show me something different.

Preferably a sign that says to have sex now because it really is ovulation.

In the meantime, I am charting my BBT and can show you what it looks like so far.

For the record, I love my iPhone. I do everything on it and then email and upload. And it has been eye-opening to see the chart come to life. Having a list of temperatures and then trying to graph them annoys me. If anyone is looking for something the app you see a picture of here is called LoveDiary and it was free. I have no idea who made it, but I searched and it was the first free one in English.

I am rather easy to be won over as you can tell. All I do is record date and temperature, and voila! It even let's you pick icons to note other things going on, and that has helped me track more.

Fifteen days until the appointment. Then we will know what we have to do next.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Father Figure

I have very few memories of my father. After he and my mother divorced, life continued on. I was 10. My brother had just been born, and my sister was 7. Mom had to go back to work to support is, and at one point worked multiple jobs to do it. I became the other parent, and there was too much to focus on to stop and wonder.

One of my mom's closest friends had been through a divorce, too. Her new husband was a good man, and when mom had a weekend free I remember going to their house to swim and grill. Their son was 10 days older than me, and I remember pictures of us as infants together. In a way, we had another family, and another father.

Some of the best memories are of the way my little sister would run and jump into his arms. He stood well over 6 feet, and he lifted her up as if she weighed nothing. I was a little too old for this myself, but he never excluded me from a hug or a smile. He always listened, and he was firm with rules, but always fair.

I have come to realize that this is the type of father I want A to be to our children some day.

The last time we had time to see them was a lunch 2 years ago. He had been hit with cancer, and survived, but it had taken it out of him. I know he was older than my mother and her friend, but he had never seemed that way. That day it hit me how much time had passed, and add to that his fight with cancer, and the man who proudly maintained the house and picked apples and blackberries from the yard was now having problems walking without assistance of some kind.

I remember pulling up to their house that morning, and seeing him sitting outside. Time had passed, and suddenly it hit me that he was now an old man. He was still happy, he smiled and talked, but by the end of lunch you could tell he needed to rest.

I think it was just after our wedding that my mother was told his cancer had come back. He still wanted to fight. He was not ready to stop yet, there was still something he could do, and so he was going to do it.

My mom has kept me posted on things. She would meet with her friend for lunch once every few months, and the updates were always the same. Nothing ever seemed to have changed, he was tired, but he was in good spirits for all accounts.

So last week when my mother called to tell me he had died it knocked the breath out of me. I know in my heart he is in a better place, but it is so hard to think of him not being in that house. Even if it is just sitting on the porch, he was a part of that and is so sorely missed.

He will always be the man I look at when I think of a father. And he will always be a reminder of what I want my children to have with A.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Holding on to Hope

While walking through WalMart, A and I were talking and I mentioned I wanted to get a cheap pregnancy test to have on hand. It's a me thing, I like having them, and I just feel like having one in the apartment keeps me hopeful.

It was the strangest realization when he asked why I wanted to get one now. I have come to use it as a type of security blanket. No, I don't expect to get pregnant now. The pictures from the microscope showed me a change in something, and the BBT charting is helping me see other things about my body. But at the end of the day, after everything else, I find myself touching my stomach and wishing we could just be pregnant already.

Having a test, even one I know will be negative, is my way of moving forward and continuing to try. It's been over a year, and I know it may still be another year before we get any real results.

I couldn't explain this all to him. I just said I wanted to have one on hand to test in a couple of weeks. He frowned. We've had an amazing month, are enjoying spending all our time together, and he told me that he was afraid to lose me to the gloom again if things didn't happen.

I saw at that moment that I had been clinging to the wrong thing for inspiration. The test was something to have to gauge our progress, but I was losing touch with A in the process.

Before another word could be said, I took his hand and walked to the check-out line. I smiled up at him and told him he was right, we needed to keep enjoying us and not think too much about other things.

It's still there, in the back of my mind, and makes me sad when I do think about it too much. I want us to have a family so badly.

But I have to remember that A is a part of this too, and we need to enjoy every minute of it while we can. Things may not get any easier, and in the end, all we have is each other to rely on.

And if the microscope picture from this morning is any indication, things are back to "not happening" at the cellular level.

Saturday, June 26, 2010


It would seem that signs of "ferning" are going...going...gone...

Did I ovulate? Could this maybe happen on its own?

Who knows. I am not cancelling the appointment on July 14th and will just try to stay focused on keeping tabs on things.

I'm going to chart my BBT (yes, acronym, I know, sorry) and see if I can scan that to upload. It'd be interesting to see what the lines look like, and see if I can see a normal pattern.

Now if you will excuse me, I am going to enjoy a family dinner at my new favorite place to blow my diet: Cracker Barrel!

Friday, June 25, 2010

I Officially Have A Morning Routine

For as long as I can remember, I have always been proud of the fact that I am very low maintenance when it comes to getting ready each morning. From the time I get out of bed to the time I am dressed, I average 20 minutes. That is including a shower and doing my hair.

There are people out there wondering about that part. See, I am blessed with naturally curly hair. I wash it, towel dry it, spray in a leave-in conditioner, comb it out, and then shake it up a little before parting it down the middle.

All done.

The only real downer about my hair is that once it is dry there is nothing I can do with it. Once it poofs up due to wind or exercise, I am done. And don't get me started on trying to maintain it after swimming.

Just not happening.

In the last week, I have had to make more time. I have things I have to do before I even think of sitting up each morning. I actually have a nightstand now, and it has a notepad, pen, Fertile Focus Ovulation Microscope, basal body thermometer, and the chart that came with the thermometer. And I have added my glucose meter to this now as well.

The normal morning means that the alarm will go off, I stretch to turn it off, and immediately reach for the thermometer. My eyes open long enough to turn it on and insert the sucker into my mouth. Once it beeps, I note the temperature, turn it off, grab the microscope, pad of paper, and pen. The saliva sample is placed on the glass and set on the nightstand to dry for 5 minutes. Meanwhile I write down my temperature and plot it on the chart. Then I grab the glucose meter and do the test. I lay there until I am sure the 5 minutes pass and then reassemble the microscope to look at the results. Then a quick shower, I get dressed for the morning, and boot the computers. While they warm up I practice my version of Yoga: trying to hold the microscope in one hand, with the LED light on, while maneuvering the iPhone into a position where I can take a picture with my other hand. Then that gets emailed from the phone to my computer so I can stare it.

Add the Metformin and prenatal pill, then the gathering of juice and some yogurt for sustenance, and my 20 minute routine is now double.

The best part? In order to maintain accurate results, the goal is to do these tests at the same time each day. So even on weekends I find myself setting the alarm so I can at least get a sample for the microscope and my temperature.

Nine times out of ten, A sleeps through all of this. He doesn't stir unless I directly force him to.

Why am I doing this now?

I want to go to this appointment next month and be able to provide as much data as possible. It also keeps me from examining my body for any signs of anything changing. That was beginning to border on narcissistic, so I think this new approach is better. And it keeps me from staring at the mirror for too long.

I really don't remember any health instructor taking the time to warn girls that things could be difficult. I honestly think there should be some counseling to warn them. Actually, I think it would work more as a PSA, letting them know that if it doesn't "just happen" they aren't abnormal.

Meanwhile, back in my happy little microscope, things still look good. Well, as good as I think they are supposed to look anyway.

I don't know if you can see, but there appears to still be some small "ferning" happening there. Yes, it is too soon to be able to say "Look at me! I'm ovulating!", but it actually makes me feel better being able to see this.

It helps me to feel like I'm not abnormal.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Want to Know Why I'm So Happy Today?

Two things.

First, yesterday a realization of something I have wanted for over a year happened.

Here, let me show you...

It's our new toy, and because I just had bought 2 books at Barnes & Noble and need to finish them, A is up first with it. It has already been packed with free books and some that I have wanted to read. I cannot wait!!

And then this morning...

I believe this is what they call "ferning".

God, please let this be ferning.....

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

How Did I Ever Pass Biology?

While I love science, and not just because of my love of science fiction, playing with slides and microscopes was never something I was good at.

In 10th grade Biology, my lab group of 4 consisted of 2 girls who were very good with a microscope and writing up results and myself an my friend J who enjoyed messing with chemicals, molds, and cutting up things to prepare said slides.

Chemistry class in 11th grade never made me look at things in a microscope, but I squeaked by that class largely in part again to the fact that my lab group kicked ass.

So, when my fertility microscope arrived I had to take a deep breath. I mean, it's just looking for a pattern, really, but when the site shows you certain pictures, my brain thinks it should be looking for the same thing.

Yeah, no.

I have concluded that my saliva hasn't changed in the last 24 hours. I also have learned that my iPhone can take pictures of the lit up slide.

So, without further ado, I present to you Infertile Saliva!

The plan is to take at least one picture each morning and see if by placing them side by side on a computer screen that a difference appears. Even if it's never actually ferning, I'd like to hope that SOMETHING is going on there.

Ah, science....

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Finally, a Reproductive Endocrinologist!

I visit my share of blogs on the topic of infertility. A lot of the terminology still goes over my head, including the acronyms used for everything from trying to conceive (TTC) to ovulation predictor tests (OPT).

Well, as of this morning, I have an RE. And I didn't even know what an RE was until the nice nurse over the phone made my appointment and then I looked at his title.

Which wasn't OB/GYN as I had expected.

I called to book my annual exam for August. Back in CA, I had to make my appointment in May to be seen in August. So I was crossing my fingers I'd manage to find something, and then was told I'd called too soon. They only book appointments 30 days out, so I needed to call back in 4 weeks.

I seriously am still getting used to how slow things are here.

Then I told her I had another issue. Took a deep breath. And said without breathing once:



She was sweet and asked if I wanted that appointment before the annual or after.

And didn't laugh at me when I jumped and asked for the first available.

This, my friends, is where I couldn't believe my ears.

You see, back in CA (tired of hearing that yet?), I had to see an OB/GYN and and Endocrinologist. Two separate doctors that had me running between them with requests and messages. Which was frustrating because each department is across from one another in the clinic we went to, and I wondered why they couldn't email or call each other.

Again, I had never heard of an RE. Yes, I had seen people blog about those elusive initials, but had never thought to ask.

Well, the nurse today booked me for the next available appointment on July 15th. After she gave me the time, I asked if she could tell me which doctor. I had opened their directory, and had the list in front of me. Yes, I do look at pictures of the doctors and their credentials. It puts me at ease.

I'm funny that way.

The nurse calmly explained that it would be with a specific doctor because he was a specialist who dealt with PCOS and the clomid and everything. She gave me his name, let me know that they'd be mailing me a welcome kit to review (I have never gotten a welcome kit from a doctor's office IN MY LIFE!), and to call with any questions.

And that's when I searched for the doctor in their directory.

Reproductive Endocrinologist. He's an RE!

I have to admit doing a dance and bouncing into the other room to let A know. He smiled and asked if this made me that happy.

Yes, yes it does. Because now I was going to someone who would be able to tell me more and not leave me to Google and WebMD to read while I was alone. Feeling vulnerable. With ice cream and tissues.

Back to happy thoughts: I have an RE!!

Now, if only I could get to the DMV on time to take care of the car registration before the old CA registration expires....

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Halfway Through June

I cannot believe how fast time is going. And how bad I have been about updating. So here is a recap of June so far...

1) I've lost 2.4 lbs since June 1st. Considering I did not exercise until June 7th, that really is the result of 1 week of walking and eating better. That is about right for me, and something I want to maintain.

2) Vaginal discharge (sorry for just throwing that out there) about 10 days ago was consistent with what you read about for someone who is ovulating.

3) Spotted pink on Saturday.

4) Spotted brown on Sunday.

5) Cramps came yesterday for about 30 minutes and then disappeared.

6) I still have not called the doctor's office to make an appointment for anything.

7) I love my husband because we had pizza for dinner and then went for slushees at Sonic last night. I got grape.

8) While Mother's Day hit me hard, Father's Day isn't looming as badly. We are taking my FIL out if he is feeling better.

9) I have to remind myself that A's youngest sister, at age 7, is my SIL and not niece. I've been Auntie to some many kids over the years, and it is odd to step out of that roll with someone so young.

10) Keeping up with my 7 year-old SIL is more difficult than keeping up with my 21 year-old SIL.

11) I think A has realized that I am not DYING to get a puppy, but I have fessed up to the fact that if we aren't able to have a baby I expect small animals to love and dress up.

12) I have 1 home pregnancy test left from last month. I am fighting every urge to just use it because I know inside it will be a negative.

13) Even though I know I'm not pregnant, I still check myself everyday. Are my boobs sore? Was that nausea? Do my boobs look big? Has anything changed in pigmentation anywhere on my body?

14) I have to remember that even with exercise, pizza + grape slushee = need extra insulin before bed or else.

15) I cannot wait for 4th of July weekend just to have an extra day of sleeping in.

Monday, June 14, 2010

If Only...

Me: Know what I really want for dinner?

A: What?

Me: Pizza and a grape slushee.

A: *looks at me funny*

Me: What?

A: Pizza and a grape slushee?

Me: Yup.

A: You know, sometimes I wonder if maybe some of my sperm did make it through, especially with some of the things you've wanted lately.

Friday, June 11, 2010

The Need to Walk

My last appointment with the Endocrinologist ended with her saying that if I could lose some weight my chances of being more fertile would increase.

I had gained back some weight at this last appointment, what with prepping for the move and losing track of our diet.

So, the first month we were in our new place things didn't improve. And then 3 weeks ago we started walking each day.

That lasted 8 days.

The following week there wasn't much urge to do anything. But I saw the difference.

Along with battling PCOS, I have the added challenge of trying to keep a check on my diabetes. And that week of nothing proved that if I do no go out and exercise everyday my numbers go up.

By up, I mean really up.

So this week I am back to a stable routine. Even if it's only 1 mile, I walk everyday at lunch on the treadmill. The improvement in the numbers has been amazing, even when I splurge and have noodles and biscuits for dinner. My insulin intake is back down, I feel more alert, and it makes the work day go faster.

So, add to this that I won a new toy this week and you see a plan formulating.

I weighed myself on June 1st and will do it again mid-month and then on July 1st. In the meantime, I have cleaned up our diet, will begin playing with the microscope when it arrives, and then go from there.

Yes, the additional factor of having sex is in this as well. We aren't dead, and we are enjoying having the place to ourselves.

Slowly, things are starting to take shape....

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

I'm New to Country Living

Me: There is something on the wall with wings and you need to take care of it.

A: Where?

Me: Above the TV

A: *walks over and squints at it* It's just a lightning bug. *walks to the kitchen to get a container to catch it and release it outside*

Me: What did you say it was?

A: A lightning bug

Me: What will it do?

A: *looks at me funny* It's butt will light up.

Me: Really? Can you make it do that so I can see it??

A: *stares at me*

Me: What? I've never seen one!

A: *mumbles something about city people under his breath*

It flew behind something before he could snag it, but I've never felt more like a city girl than last night.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Cycle Day 64

I kinda forgot to call the doctor this week. I need to get on that, I know.

In the meantime, the majority of my issues are gone again.

For now.

I wish I had more to share, but life has been even quieter here than I thought it would be. Work is going smoothly, we've added a storage unit to our lease so we can finish unpacking once and for all this weekend, and the cat has never been happier.

We will be getting a puppy at some point this year. I still want the husky I posted a picture of here last month. He wants something smaller.

We'll see....

For now, I hope everyone has an easygoing weekend. I will be unpacking.

Hopefully for the last time this year.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Oh Hormones...How Do I Hate Thee? Let Me Count The Ways...

Almost exactly on time for a new cycle, a wave of emotional caca has hit.


So, added to the normal everyday stuff is:



Empathy for the Incredible Hulk

Snapping At Husband

Begging Forgiveness for Snapping



Sore Boobs

Wishing I Was the Hulk So People Would Leave Me the Hell Alone

That last one doesn't help when you are doing customer service over the phone. It's been hard to be empathetic when you really want to tell them to stop complaining. At least they have children.

Before this week is over, I will have called the doctor's office and made an appointment. It's that or wait for another repeat of this and risk my husband having me committed.