It was the strangest realization when he asked why I wanted to get one now. I have come to use it as a type of security blanket. No, I don't expect to get pregnant now. The pictures from the microscope showed me a change in something, and the BBT charting is helping me see other things about my body. But at the end of the day, after everything else, I find myself touching my stomach and wishing we could just be pregnant already.
Having a test, even one I know will be negative, is my way of moving forward and continuing to try. It's been over a year, and I know it may still be another year before we get any real results.
I couldn't explain this all to him. I just said I wanted to have one on hand to test in a couple of weeks. He frowned. We've had an amazing month, are enjoying spending all our time together, and he told me that he was afraid to lose me to the gloom again if things didn't happen.
I saw at that moment that I had been clinging to the wrong thing for inspiration. The test was something to have to gauge our progress, but I was losing touch with A in the process.
Before another word could be said, I took his hand and walked to the check-out line. I smiled up at him and told him he was right, we needed to keep enjoying us and not think too much about other things.
It's still there, in the back of my mind, and makes me sad when I do think about it too much. I want us to have a family so badly.
But I have to remember that A is a part of this too, and we need to enjoy every minute of it while we can. Things may not get any easier, and in the end, all we have is each other to rely on.
And if the microscope picture from this morning is any indication, things are back to "not happening" at the cellular level.
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