Thursday, December 31, 2009

Almost At the End

Today is the last day of the 1st decade of the new Millennium.

That there just made me realize a lot has happened since the Y2K scares 10 years ago. I mean, this February will be 5 years since I met my husband. On line. We didn't physically meet until May of 2005.

Time has flown.

2010 has so much possibility for me and my other half. From the possibility of a pregnancy, to our move, and the start of life on the other side of the country.

So, my goals for the next year are easy:

1. When I first met with the doctor's in April of 2009, my weight had gone back up to 304. That isn't the heaviest I've been, but it was a contribution to part of my issues, including the diabetes and PCOS. Everything I've looked at, and even the Endocrinologist, suggest that just losing 10% of your body weight is sometimes enough to get your body to start doing things on it's own. So my goal is to get my weight down to below that mark. I know, I know, I could stand to lose more. But if I can continue to make the necessary lifestyle and diet changes it should happen. Right now, if I can get to 270 and maintain or continue to lose I will be happy. I plan to do a weigh-in tomorrow and get things going, and you will be hearing about it.

2. Get us moved safely and on time. And by us, I mean myself, A, and Shadow. My brother will be keeping Narco, so I have to find the best way to transport a cat across the USA. My father-in-law has offered to travel here and drive the moving truck back so we can take my car. I'm still undecided about keeping or selling it, and I think we are leaning towards keeping it. With the understanding that if we do drive it and the moving truck to VA, then Shadow will be in the car. If we sell, then A and his dad may leave ahead of me, and I will fly out with the cat as a carry-on.

And last, but certainly not least:

3. Make the next 100+ days count. If all goes according to plan, we will be on the road on April 22nd, and I want to make time for family and loved ones here as I'm not sure if we will be back to visit before June 2011 when my nieces graduate from High School.

So, now to make breakfast and enjoy the last day of the year with the man I love and our fuzzy companions.

I hope you all have a safe and wonderful last day of the year. See you in 2010!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Nothing to See Here, Move Along...

I cannot believe that 2009 is about to come to a close.

While a full year has passed, it feels like we are exactly where we were at this time last year. It's oddly comforting.

But so frustrating.

I've never been one for resolutions, but I have been thinking things over. And I realize there are some goals for the next year that I would like to set.

They will be achievable. And not include anything about being pregnant by end of 2010. That I believe would just be a recipe for disaster.

I will share tomorrow what my plans are. For now, I thought I'd share something that may be considered TMI to some, but I think shows that no matter what A and I can still laugh at things...

I have managed to get him addicted to playing Farmville through Facebook. What started as him just wanting to have a farm to help out my brother and I has turned into a timed cycling of crops with life. He has always been more organized with things, and when he realized what he needed to advance quickly he dove right in.

I love my gamer nerd.

So, yesterday I achieved Level 25 while working from home and announced it out loud. Along with the fact that I can now build a telephone pole. He had been nearby, heating up lunch, and turned to give me a wicked grin.

A: I can build a telephone pole.
Me: I don't want to know.
A: Is that the only reaction I am getting? Cause I was talking about in my pants.
Me: I figured as much, but I associate telephone poles with splinters....
A: You are no fun!

Fast forward to a couple of hours later, when he came in to hug me and give me a kiss. We were laughing, and I suddenly looked straight at him.

Me: Hey! Are you trying to give me splinters??

He just laughed.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Cycle Day 29

The only advantage to starting my period on the 1st of any month is knowing when I look at the calendar what day of the cycle it is.

Today is the 29th, so it's Cycle Day 29.

Now, if I were any normal ovulating woman, I would be a little anxious today. My period is technically late. I've had very very light cramping. The lightest spotting this morning, but nothing else. Add in the laziness (I prefer to call it being tired, thankyouverymuch), bouts of constipation (sorry, Internets. I am just being honest), food aversions, bloated tummy, and peeing frequency and most people would be running to pee on a stick.

But me?

I'm obviously not normal.

So I just attribute it to my "vacation" attitude about food over the last 12 days. Once I get us back on our diet things will calm down. That and I really should try out the Wii Fit Plus we picked up in September.... Definitely before I actually gain any weight back since we are about 3 weeks from the Endocrinologist appointment.

Today is another wonderful day of waiting. Watching and waiting. Hoping the spotting increases enough so I can start the next round. Praying to time it so I don't ruin my brother's birthday in January by becoming that sobbing mess after a failed scan.

On the up side:

We looked at the calendar and I think we have a target date in April. We are hoping to be on the road on April 22nd. It's a Thursday, and will line up with the PTO time I will have available and the time it will take to drive to VA and unload. Maybe even unpack a little.

So, here's to moving. And hoping my period comes before the New Year.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Now Back to Your Irregularly Scheduled Program

The holidays have come and gone, and we survived them here at home. I get the added luxury of working from home this week to cover our call group, and so I sit here and get time to think.

Which is not necessarily a good thing these days.

I am trying not to read too much into the creaks and groans and cramps my system is going through. Part of me is hoping that my period begins on its own at the end of this week.

Did anyone ever think they would want that? I remember when I dreaded the monthly visitor. At this point it would tell me I ovulated, even if there is no pregnancy. I'd still count it a win.

In the meantime, I am waiting for next Monday. If nothing has happened by then, then I will pee on the stick to confirm what isn't happening and call the doctor. I'm not sure where that will put us in terms of the next scan, but at this point my focus has to start to shift.

It's time to start looking at moving.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Finding A Way To Talk

Through all the ups and downs in the last few months, I think I lost touch with a lot of things. Namely, the friends I hold so dearly and who I know would be there to support me no matter what.

Contrary to what people may think because I write this all in a public blog, I don't share my feelings. It has to be seriously bothering me to make me seek out some one's ear, and it was actually one of the few reasons A and I would get mad at one another when he first moved in. He tends to be the same way, and when you have two people bottling up issues it gets bad.

Luckily, we've been able to talk through the few issues in the past. And now we both know that rather than getting mad we need to grab the other person and calmly explain what is going on and talk through it.

Which still works for most things, but everything about infertility and getting pregnant has been hard. He has told me he loses me for days on end, and I don't even realize I am shutting him out that way. I am doing everything I can to move forward and smile, but he knows me and worries.

So last week, when my closest friend offered to fly me North to see her, he didn't blink when I told him I wanted to go and it would be girls only this time. He just hugged me and told me to go be with her. He knows what I need, and right now I need D.

We are both being optimistic about our futures as parents. We aren't giving up.

But we are now relearning to talk about things. Because this time it's not something we can just fix with a quick talk.

But it is something we will have to work through together....

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Do you remember Carly Simon?

When my nieces were small, my sister and I would make plans to take them places or show them things. To us, telling them about these upcoming events were thought of as something to get them excited and ramped up for the upcoming event.

My mother always warned us that it was building up anticipation and that wasn't good. She would then sing like Carly Simon:


Which is what I realized last week was being done to me by my Endocrinologist.

She has been amazing, don't get me wrong. And for the first time in years, I feel as if my diabetes is under some kind of control. It feels good. But when I went to meet with the nutritionist last month she was surprised at how I was measuring things. And I should have taken that as a sign...

Since last summer, I have been measuring my glucose levels at the frequency of a woman who has been diagnosed with diabetes while pregnant. That means taking a fasting sugar in the morning, and then again 1 hour after each meal.

And the numbers she gave me to aim for have been for a pregnant woman, resulting in an increase in insulin before bed to get the lower fasting number. Not to mention the addition of insulin during the day, prior to each meal.

Basically, I've been living as if I was pregnant. Watching everything and being so careful in anticipation of conceiving. And the conceiving never happened.

After A and I talked last week, I stopped doing it.

I have taken my insulin injections each night, but I have reduced the amount so that I still fall within the range for a normal person. I only test my blood sugar in the morning to get a fasting. I do need to test after at least 1 meal each day, but I am taking a break until after Christmas to worry about that.

And no insulin before meals unless I know it's one that will cause me to spike. Which is rare, because we have cut so many things from our diet in the 8 months.

Yes, I still am taking prenatal vitamins. I bought 200 of them, and since they aren't hurting anything I will take them until they are gone. Which will be the longest I have stuck to taking any daily vitamin since I stopped eating Flintstones chewables as a child.

I honestly believe that all that extra stuff added to my stress and emotional issues because I was so focused on thinking pregnant that when it didn't happen I couldn't wrap my head around it. And I think that A has seen a difference in the last few days.

So, no more anticipation. And once again, my mom was right.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Almost Sincerely Happy For You...

My workplace seems to have become the stork's new favorite place to be. Well, at least for some people.

I heard last week of one of our remote employees just having had her baby. Their office hadn't actually mentioned the pregnancy, it was just "she's out on leave" and then suddenly a baby.

Not more than 1 day later, word spread of another remote employee pregnant. She'd just found out and shared it, so the pregnancy is in its early stages.

And there are hints that someone here in the office has managed to get pregnant as well.

Last week, I would have been in the bathroom sobbing. This week, after discussing things and planning at home, I can say I am happy for them. I still am sad, I feel empty inside, but I am not a sobbing mess.

I told A and he grimaced, waiting for the next explosion or meltdown. When I told him I was okay, he seemed skeptical, but I think he realized that I am better about this. I just keep focusing on the next step, and that is the move.

There are some days I want to be moved now. But at the same time I am looking forward to the rest of Winter and Spring, and time to just take it all in.

And you never know, we mights accidentally get pregnant. I'm not holding my breath, but anything could happen, right?

Tomorrow: what I've done to clear my mind in the last 4 days. You may be surprised how relieved I was after changing things at home...

Friday, December 18, 2009

Almost Officially Infertile

Everything I've read says that the medical community declares a person to be infertile when they have attempted to get pregnant for a year with no use of birth control present.

On Valentine's Day, 2010, it will be 1 year.

After the conversation with my doctor, I thought about things and then talked to A last night.

You all need to know that yesterday he held me and told me that if our lives were meant to be lived together, just us alone, he would still be happy. And that he wanted me to do what was right for me, because in the end it was my body.

So last night I told him I wanted to try 2 more cycles, finish the year of trying, and then shelve this. Just until we move, have settled in VA, and had some months to save money.

My mother has always said that things happen for a reason. So, I am going to believe that if I don't conceive in the next 2 months that it is because it wasn't supposed to happen right now. Not before the move, when we will be someplace where we can save money, pay down debt, and afford to meet with fertility specialists. Where the extra time and monitoring will be easier because I'll be working from home and can control things a little better.

I am still so sad and weepy about all this. But after talking this out last night I did realize that I felt better. Oddly, it was knowing I was taking control of something, and a date that we were working made it all fall away.

My husband is fully supportive of whatever way I want to handle this. He was relieved I was better last night. He said it killed him each month because he lost me for days on end with the sadness that overtook me each time.

So, two more months of Chlomid and scans. Then we switch gears to focus on the move and start again.

Honestly, I slept better last night than I have in a while. I am still wanting a quiet Christmas, which I'm not sure my family completely understands. But it's still not 100% okay in my heart, and trying to make it seem so only makes everything else worse.

And for now I have to keep taking control and make the bad stuff go away....

Thursday, December 17, 2009

I Think I Made My Doctor Uncomfortable Today...

Welcome to Cycle 4, Day 17. The second follicle scan for this cycle was today.

And nothing had changed.


Everything looked the same, nothing had grown, and so no injection was done.

And then I was asked if I wanted names to see infertility specialists as that may be the next step if we are serious about wanting our family.

Which is when I lost it.

I had A on one side hugging me, and the doctor on the other side squeezing my shoulder. And I don't think either of them knew what to do.

Believe it or not, I went to work. After the exam, I dropped A off at home and headed to the office.

Where I lasted 2 hours before I was so nauseated and looking so bad that they told me to go home.

Where I then slept for over 3 hours and woke up thinking about things.

We have some decisions to make about things right now. But this isn't the end. The doctor did agree to increase the Chlomid to 200mg a day, and if we want to try another couple of rounds she will support to us.

I have told her to expect a call after the 1st of the new year if nothing else happens on its own. Then we will try again.

Meanwhile, it's time to think about what is next after that cycle for us....

I am just so tired of crying.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009


I realized last night that I don't really care if the tree is lit in the evenings.

It isn't that I am not looking forward to Christmas. It's just that this year my mind is busy on something else. I can't seem to refocus on other things, and I am glad that our social circle is a small one.

His family knows we are saving to move and not spending anything extra. My family knows we aren't planning on shopping. We really don't have the extra money, and there is nothing that seems to make me truly feel happy inside.

I had to admit to A last night that I can't help the crying. That I cried at Best Buy, that even going for a walk through Target makes me weepy. I can't seem to get past everything else right now, and I really am just waiting for tomorrow and another scan.

I would like to point out that the scans are getting progressively uncomfortable. I didn't think they could, and I don't know if it's that a different doctor is there each time or I am just tense. But I seriously am tired of being examined from the inside. It is just not any fun.

And I get to do it all again tomorrow...

Monday, December 14, 2009

Holding on by a Follicle

The scan on Saturday went a little better than I thought it would.

The right ovary had 2 very small follicles. Small enough that the doctor didn't even consider them for anything.

But there was something there, which was more than I had expected to have happen.

The left ovary, though, is trying to come through....

There was 1 follicle, all alone, bigger than anything else she could see. And based on its size, she calculated that if it continued to grow that it would be ready on Thursday.

So, we will go back on Thursday. Scan again and see what happens. It will either be fully mature and ready or it will have aborted.

Aborted is what she said. I don't like that word. At first I thought something bad hearing it. Then I realized she meant like a mission being aborted, nothing worse than that.

But still....

I was fine leaving the office. I made it to the car, actually, after booking the next trip there. But since then it has been an interesting trip. I tend to find myself sobbing at the oddest things. Things that we had talked about doing or buying for our child makes me well up. My husband smiles, tries to comfort me, but it's hard.

The feeling inside that I am letting him down, that I am less than what he bargained for, makes it hard to let him. But I do let him. We are in this together, and nothing else seems to make the bad stuff go away.

Even if it is only for 10 minutes.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Maybe Carrie Had the Right Idea

While traveling to Newark one year, my ex decided to come meet me for a few days. He was living in Memphis and worked for an airline, so he booked free passage, and came to stay in the company paid hotel with me.

One night, as we flipped channels, he told me to stop and watch something with him. The next thing I knew, we were laughing over the issues Carrie was having with Mr. Big after farting in bed with him.

The ex has gone, but my love for Sex and the City has always been there. I own the entire series, and the movie, and will be there on opening night of its sequel. While my girlfriends and I have always stopped and talked about which girl we were, I have to admit that Carrie was always a little bit of a mystery to me.

I understood Charlotte's yearning for love and a family, maybe even more these days. I've know a Samantha or two, and still wonder how they manage to keep up with that kind of lifestyle. And Miranda was always the one I identified with most, her straightforward life and way of living. But Carrie...

Yes, I thought I knew who my Mr Big was once, but in the end I was incredibly wrong. And the shoes. I never got the need for spending money on shoes, especially as a form of therapy.

Until today.

Now, I am a plus-sized girl. Finding shoes can be hard because they need be wide, and I also prefer to be barefoot. My only complaint every year was in the inability to find a pair of tall boots that I could wear with jeans or to work with a skirt, something that I see on everyone, especially in the winter. It really was my hang up until I discovered the Jessica London shoe collection online through Avenue.

Oh my. I have seriously died and gone to heaven.

They fit like a glove, and are comfortable enough that I have worn them for 2 hours, including a trip for groceries, with no problems. And they are making me smile.

Which I believe is the only reason A hasn't told me to stop yelling "I got boots!" here at the house. He said as long as I am happy then he is, but when I said I should order them in black as well, I got a severe eye roll.

He'll come around eventually though. Right?

I am half-tempted to wear them to the scan tomorrow, as a boost for myself. They, unfiortunately, will ask me to strip from the waist down, so I will probably go with something that will allow me to get dressed and run away quickly if it doesn't go as expected and I need to have a private breakdown.

In the meantime though.... I HAVE BOOTS!!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

At Least Something is Regular...

My husband called to let me know that the reminder call came this morning.

Exactly 48 hours until the next follicle scan.

I can count on the doctor's office to not fail with these reminders. It's always on time, and I think at this point if they didn't call I would panic. I'd honestly be on the phone waiting to find out why they didn't have my appointment listed.

I have the first part of next week off from work as well. I want to stay home, work on making a baby, and not think on things. Just time with A to relax.

Which, seriously, looks good written down. Now, if I could just make myself relax it would be wonderful.

Make myself relax.

Why does that sentence make me stress?

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Just A Little Glimmer

On our anniversary, my aunt called from Indiana to wish us well.

My aunt is also my godmother, and while she is so different from my mother in so many ways, I love her for the good person she is. She's always been there at Christmas and birthdays, and I don't think she knows how good it is to have a relative who never missed an important date. She even made the trip for the wedding, and videotaped everything she could.

During our talk, she asked me if I ever got the ornament. Which made me pause and ask, "What ornament?"

She had been cleaning and came across a box with a 2008 ornament that she could have sworn she sent to us. Thinking maybe she had bought 2 by accident, she wanted to check with me. I remember laughing and telling her no, and she apologized because it said 2008 on it and now it wouldn't be the same. I made sure to let her know that it was the sentiment that mattered, and she said she would send it along.

I honestly had forgotten all about this until I received a call from A yesterday. A package had arrived from my aunt and uncle, and he was wondering if I was expecting anything. I laughed and explained about the ornament, and he said we'd open it together.

Now, my aunt is known for style in our family. It is unique, and to tell you the truth I think it works for her. I don't know how, but she does make things work when dressing, and I do have to admire that.

Knowing this, I wasn't sure what to expect at all. My mind was expecting something small from Hallmark, but at the same time there was a part of me expecting some glittering ball with 2008 painted across it.

Instead, I was greeted with this:

What we have is a Lenox crystal bride and groom together in a red box. The gray tassle is for hanging on the tree, and the 2008 nestled in there made me smile. It may be a year late, but the ornament is perfect because I will always look at it and think of us and our first year together.

I have to admit that getting in the holiday spirit has been difficult for me. But this made me smile. And realize I need to make sure to send out some cards to our loved ones, especially my aunt, to let them know they mean so much and I wouldn't be here without them.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Cycle Day 8

I took the last Chlomid yesterday, and as of this morning I have no headache. Which is its own blessing.

Because I was told not to use the ovulation kits last month, I decided to use the last 5 in the box this month. The first one was today, and the last will be on Saturday just before the follicle scan.

I dunno. It gives me something to do to mark the days between scans, and in a way keep my mind busy.

So, now we wait.

And watch the snow in CA melt from the mountains.

Monday, December 7, 2009

I think I may need to forbid myself from Google...

This last weekend was a quiet one at home.

We spent the entire 2 days in the house, relaxing, playing video games, and watching TV. I am almost done with the latest from Stephen King, and as I read there was much zombie killing in the background.

Very peaceful. To the casual observer.

This last cycle was an odd one for me. I started spotting on Saturday, and continued to spot for the next 3 days. Then, on Tuesday, my period started. And on Thursday morning it was gone.

Meanwhile, my searches through the internet have provided me with SEVERAL sites that track the signs of pregnancy and what to look for if you may be pregnant.

Do you know how ridiculous it feels to find yourself wondering if your nipples seem darker than last week and hoping your husband doesn't walk in? Cause, while he might find the situation interesting, he will never understand what you are doing.

How about this need to pee? Or that little cramp? Or that strange smell that no one else seems to smell?

Oh! How about a burp that has an odd aftertaste and you wonder if it could possibly be morning sickness?

There are no real symptoms, but my head doesn't want to let go of what is supposed to be going on right now if my body would function properly. I keep finding myself thinking that this is supposed to be start of week 6, not the start of week 2.

Are you all tired of my griping yet? Cause I figure I may have 2-3 more days of bitter before it's back to crossing my fingers or crying because there was nothing.

So, I apologize to the readers who are wondering how someone so bitter could possible make a good parent. And I promise, if caught in any compromising positions during this period insanity I will share the story.

But no pictures. That would be a little too much, don't you think?

Friday, December 4, 2009

Sometimes I Wonder About My Logic

I have this vivid thought that I think is a memory. That or a really odd dream.

Back in my youth, I attended a private Catholic school for 9 years. Those were not bad years, far from it, but they were definitely shielded. There was only so much of the outside world that was allowed in. I mean, we had a dress code for the shoes. As in no sneakers until I think I was in 7th grade. Seriously.

I do remember when it was time for their version of "the talk", which to most students would have been a health class. For us, it meant that during P.E. 1 week, the boys were taken to talk with the male P.E. teacher who was some student from the nearby university who came once a week and made us do jumping jacks and play kick ball. The girls were taken to a separate room, and I don't even remember who actually was there with us. I honestly don't think it was one of the nuns, but there wasn't much talking anyway.

They showed us a movie.

Not just any movie, either. It was hosted by Andrea McCardle, the Annie from Broadway. Her and the other orphans discussing what was going to begin changing in our bodies.

For the record, I later remember one of the boys telling us that the gym teacher gave them an overview, answered some questions, and then they hung out.

And they wonder why the teenage pregnancy rate climbed?

So, back to this film....

And this is where it gets hazy, so bear with me.

I seem to remember the overall picture of how ovulation happened, where the ovaries were, and the whole deal. But I think I heard the narrator at some point discuss how rare it was that an egg was released from each ovary at the same time because the body watched that. That it was one month for one ovary, and then the next month the other ovary would get a turn. Back and forth, one ova at a time until they were all gone and withered up and died and menopause started.

Sorry about that last part.

Now, here is where my logic comes in, and why this month is one I am facing with dread:

Month 1, September, the left ovary had something too small, and the right one had something even smaller.

Month 2, October, absolutely nothing in either ovary. Nada, zilch, zero.

Month 3, November, the left ovary had 2 beautiful follicles, and the right one looked like a picture of a black hole.

So if it is going back and forth, and can someone tell me if it doesn't??, then this month would be the right side's turn again. The one that seems to be less helpful than the left.

And the more I think on this version of my brain's lesson in anatomy, the more I am positive this baby of ours doesn't want to be born in CA. It apparently wants to be born in VA, because I am not pushing the move out. The only thing that would keep me here for the birth now is if I end up having to be put on bed rest and told I can't travel by the doctor.

Well, here is hoping that my brain is wrong and next Saturday we have something to work with......

I really am trying to stay positive, people. I swear.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

I really don't like this feeling....

Earlier this year, under some severe peer pressure, I joined Facebook.

Prior to this, I fought the urge to become part of a social network, but hearing about the updates people had there and how my sister had managed to find most of her elementary school class had me itching. Add my cousin and closest friend to the mix, and that did it.

I have managed to reconnect with some people. In June, I went to a school festival at the Catholic school I attended from Kindergarten through 8th grade and got to see some people I hadn't seen in over 20 years. It was amazing to stand there and talk to them, and I do have to thank Facebook for that.

That and Farmville. I am okay with admitting my need to check on my plants and livestock everyday. My husband was worried, did a lot of eye rolling, but now comments on how nice it's all looking. I still cannot convince him to sign-up, but my brother/our roommate did, and even he is enjoying the farming.

Along with elementary school friends, I have managed to find some friends from high school who have been missing in my life for well over 15 years. I love that I can read updates from people all over the world, including a friend in Beijing. The internet is a beautiful place, I tell you.

Well, by now you are wondering about the title of the post and how my mood has improved so much from yesterday, yes?

Don't be fooled, people.

While I love the connections I am making with people who made such an impact on me growing up, I find myself mad. Mad at the fact that friends of mine are enjoying their newborns or announcing pregnancies and all I can do is try not to cry in front of my family.

Please don't think I am a horrible person. I am happy for these people, and love the picture of those tiny feet and hands and faces. They make me smile. But then that underlying feeling of...what is it? it remorse? Can I feel remorse over something I've never had?

I really don't know how to describe it, but it hits me from out of nowhere, and I find myself choking back tears. Like now as I type this. I feel pathetic, I really do, but I can't help any of it.

This was supposed to be the easy part. People do this all the time. They make babies. A lot of them completely unplanned, and sometimes not really wanted. Why can't it just happen like it's supposed to?

My closest friend reminded my of the delay she had in getting pregnant with her 2nd child. And to remember that when it's the right time, and the right baby, it will happen.

And I do truly believe this with all my being.

But at the same time, I really just want this feeling to just stop hurting me. I am just tired of hurting.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Second Verse, Same as the First!

Welcome to Month 4, Cycle Day 2!

Does the exclamation mark make you feel like I am happy? That I am positive? That I am in no way wondering what is wrong with my system because I had 2 perfectly viable follicles last month, and obviously ovulated because my period came with no further drug help, and still am without child?

Would it help if I had more than 1 exclamation mark?

For those who have been following the last few months, tonight I get to go to the pharmacy and pick up the wonderful Chlomid drug. Tomorrow I begin taking 3 pills a day for five days, increasing the hormones in my system to the point where I begin to weep before I even peel the skin off an onion. Somewhere deep in my brain, I feel sorry for the onion and the babies it could have had, and now I am killing it....


Oh! And the wonderful headaches that come with the hormone overdose! Yay!

No, I am not bitter. I swear it.

I just want to be pregnant. I really really do. And if believing in Santa will make it happen, I will go door to door to convince people he really is real.

Which I realize is letting all of you know just how desperate I am getting....

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

O Christmas Tree....

So, after the turkey was eaten, and the dishes cleared, we gathered in our living room for a new tradition:

Tree trimming on Thanksgiving.

My husband was good and got the tree set up that morning, with help from my nieces, and had it sitting lit with its tree skirt on. I had wanted him to go ahead and get the tree topper on, but he wanted everyone to be there for that. Which turned out to be a good idea and had everyone giggling later.

We started by going through the box of ornaments that I had finally organized last year. Before this year, I was digging through no less than 5 different boxes for things, and it was making us nuts. This year we had condensed it to 1 plastic tote box. I can honestly say that A was a happy man when it came time to dig out things from our storage closet.

Now, you have to remember that our tree is not exactly traditional. Yes, we do have some very pretty little ornaments in shades of blue with glitter. There are exactly 1 dozen of them. But outside of that, everything else hanging on the tree is more a direct reflection of ourselves. In all its nerdy, dorky goodness....

We have Megatron from the first Transformers movie. My husband has been a fan since he was a toddler, and when it came to pick out ornaments for our tree he had to have this one. The other one in the set is him in vehicle mode from the movie, but I can't seem to find the pic I swore I took of it.

I've always loved Tigger. Always. I have a mountain of plush Tiggers that I have collected over the years, and we found 2 copies of The Tigger Movie while cleaning up our DVDs this weekend. Not to mention the t-shirts and sweatshirts and hats and backpacks....

I think you get the idea.

If you hadn't noticed the tree skirt, I am also a fan of Sleeping Beauty. There are a couple of ornaments with my favorite princess, but the tree wouldn't be complete without Maleficent there as well.

This is technically my brother's ornament. My aunt went on a cruise I think, and saw it and thought of him. Since it is piratey, and all things piratey are good, it is displayed on the front of the tree. I just have to remember that when we put everything away to offer it back to him for his own tree next year.

Our first Christmas together, A's mother sent us this ornament. We had decided to take professional pictures that year, and as soon as I saw the ornament I placed one of them inside. It's hard to believe this is our 4th Christmas together, and this picture is from that first Winter together. Part of me wants to update that picture, but I like seeing the way time has passed.

Finally, the tree was as decorated as could be. I don't have pics of Batman, or the Share Bear ornament. I need to get those, as well as the one of Captain America and Bugs Bunny.

I told you we had a special tree.

The decision was made that the youngest should be the one to put the topper on the tree, and so we grabbed a chair and my youngest niece climbed up to do the honor.

There's no chimney in the house, but we do make sure to put up stockings each year. Mine is a plea for mercy, my husband's suits him, and my brother still uses the one my aunt made for him years ago....

I still cannot believe this will be my last Christmas in California. I loved that my family was there to do this together, and that we laughed and sang along to 80's music while doing it all. I'm always going to remember that night with them.

And, as you can see, even the cats were in a good mood that night...