Friday, December 31, 2010

Time For A New Year

Can you believe it’s been a year since I posted my goals for 2010?

I reread the 3 items and had to smile.

1. I almost made the 10% weight loss by the third week of September when I stopped tracking calories and loss.

2. We made the drive from California to Virginia safely. And with the cat.

3. I spent all the time I could with the people who mattered the most right up until our last night in California. I still manage to keep in touch when possible, and have been surprised a couple of times by the people who have made the effort to call.

I don’t have a list for 2011. I have a little less than 22 weeks left to go before I meet the little person we have created, and after that I honestly don’t know where we will go next. There’s no need to try and set goals when the second half of the year will be in the hands of my child.

Our plan for this last day of 2010 is simple: spend it together with Shadow. Some pizza, some movies, and time to enjoy the quiet.

I still can’t believe where we are today. Where we were a year ago. That we’ve come so far. And we still have such a journey ahead of us.

And I really believe that it will be the greatest journey ever.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Centering

Working from home means I literally spend every day in a chair in our sun room.

Being on vacation this week has meant moving more. We've been out running errands, to a local museum, and then putting away the Christmas decorations.

What have I noticed?

That if I stand still for too long my lower back feels.....off.

Apparently, my center of gravity is shifting, and my body is making the necessary adjustments.

The funny part?

I'm still not really showing. My abdomen is a lot more solid than it was, but still not really making me look pregnant. My jeans are a little snugger. My underwear kills me by the end of the day. But overall, I don't see a change.

At least not until after dinner. Then if I stand up you can tell that something is sticking out a little in an area that didn't have that before.

The big lesson this week: I need to get up and walk more everyday. And start doing something to stretch my back. Otherwise it's going to be a long journey until June.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The Colonel is Still Happy

On Christmas Eve, we had dinner with A's family. This included his parents, sisters, grandparents, and an uncle, aunt, and cousin.

Dinner and dessert were absolutely amazing. And afterwards we sat at the table and talked about pretty random topics.

His aunt asked me who was handling our delivery and I told her about the Colonel. She recognized the name immediately, and asked how I'd managed to get lucky enough to have him take me as a patient.

Apparently, he is really well known, and has been known to have waiting lists of women who want him as their doctor. One of the only advantages to everything we have been through is that the Colonel is known for handling high-risk patients, and I managed to slide in during an opening he had.

Which brings me to wanting to do this right. I really have been careful about what we eat, and if it's something that may trigger a spike then I immediately grab the insulin.

Today we heard that wonderful heartbeat again, and then he reviewed my sugars and complimented me on the numbers.

We have a two week break from visits, and the next one will be at exactly 20 weeks. The best part: it's the "official" ultrasound, so I will get to see him again.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Our Last Week Off Alone

We were talking about how we can't believe that this Friday will be the end of the year.

It's been a year since I told work of our move date and then held my breath waiting for the reaction.

It's been 11 months since that positive pregnancy test that wasn't.

I took this week off from work to relax one last time before the new year swept in. And last night I realized this was our last vacation alone.

Next time I take time from work it will be when my water breaks and our baby is being born.

So we are taking this week to enjoy each other. Time watching movies. A trip to the museum. Watching the snow come down.

I can't believe how much has happened in the last 12 months...

Friday, December 24, 2010

Today is What?

I don't know how it got to be Christmas Eve.

This year is so low key, with the only gift bought was for my 8 year-old sister-in-law. We've been relaxing, and enjoying the quiet.

Suddenly, we are being reminded that dinner is tonight at 6.

Seriously, where did the time go?



To everyone out there, may your holidays be filled with love and family, no matter what holiday it is that you celebrate.....

Thursday, December 23, 2010

The Amnio

I went into that exam room yesterday without any real fear.

Is that odd? People have been telling me that the needle was huge and scary. That it hurt to feel it going in.

I mean, you name it, I heard it.

But the second the ultrasound came on, and I saw that little head and hands, and then heard that heart beating....

The world always seem so perfect and serene at that moment, and I couldn't wipe the stupid smile off my face if I wanted to.

Before the test, A and I had agreed that he was not going to be able to handle watching. He was there for support, to hold my hand and make sure I was okay.

The thing is, we both missed it.

He sat in a chair watching the baby moving and talking with us. The ultrasound tech was there on my right talking and pointing things out on the monitor there. The nurse was at my feet, handing the doctor on my left things. But neither of us ever saw the needle.

Maybe it's the insulin I have to inject. Maybe it really is that I have no real aversion to injections. All I know is that it felt like one of my injections. There was a slight pinch that coincided with what I was seeing on the screen. Then the baby swatting at the intrusion.

And then it was over.

Before the amnio, the baby's heart rate was a steady and strong 140 before the exam. Right after it had risen to 153, but was slowing as we watched.

My little trooper.

And yes, we told the ultrasound tech that we wanted to know the sex. I was exactly 17 weeks, and she warned it might be too early. But she did what she could.

The baby was sleeping like a bunny: tummy down, but up in the air. Which would have been perfect if it wasn't for the umbilical cord that was apparently blocking the view.

Next think I know she is bouncing the wand on my stomach, pushing to make the baby bounce, attempting to clear the way.

And she thinks she managed to clear it all, and what was left had to be only one thing.

My son's anatomy.

We've been warned that until the lab results come back next week that it isn't 100%. I have the picture of what she saw, and the more I look the more I am convinced she is right.

We've both been saying "he" for months. And it feels natural to say it out loud.

But until next week's call, we are still just hoping everything is okay.

And that I can start shopping for blue things.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The Cat is Confused - And Definitely Mama's Boy

In the 5+ years that A and I have lived together, we have never elected to sleep apart.

Yes, he may stay up until 2am playing games or watching movies, but he comes to bed. He's there when I wake up, and vice versa.

There was a 1 week work trip just before we found out about the PCOS where we were apart. But we were texting good night, good morning, and I miss you.

Yes, we make people ill. Even now.

Sunday night, we grilled some salmon and made some sides. Once the fish was cooked, all thought of actually eating it made me ill. So I opted to skip the main part of dinner, and A went ahead and helped himself.

He woke up yesterday morning and proceeded to throw up. He felt better, ate something, and then proceeded to do it again.

It was a long afternoon.

We both agreed that we couldn't risk this being a bug, and I immediately set up camp for myself on the couch. He needed quicker access to the bathroom, and the couch is actually perfect for sleeping on.

I actually nap there frequently.

Now, the cat is not allowed free roam of the apartment when unsupervised. When we leave for anything, he is told "Beds!" and then promptly runs into the bedroom. We close him off in half of the apartment, allowing access to the food and litter box and also the bedroom. He isn't allowed in the living room and kitchen so as to avoid any accidents.

The same is true when we go to sleep. Shadow will come with us, and has access to his normal domain and sleeps with us in out king size bed.

So last night, as A was about to drift off, we agreed to leave the apartment open for him. We knew that if I didn't come to bed, the cat would be trying to tear his way out. The assumption was that if given the freedom, he would wander and eventually climb into bed as usual.

Nope.

That cat slept on top of the chair closest the couch. He followed me on potty runs, and promptly came back to sleep nearby.

He did attempt to sleep with me, but soon realized there wasn't enough room. And the return to the couch resulted in him sitting next to the couch and purring.

If there was ever any doubt on who he favored, there is no doubt now.

Especially since I left my pillows on the couch and he is still using them now to sleep away the day...

Monday, December 20, 2010

Apparently I'm Doing Better Than I Thought

I watch my blood sugar religiously.

To me, the numbers aren't perfect. I mean, they are still better than they have been in over 3 years, but occasionally I miss the mark that the Endocrinologist has set.

But after seeing him today I feel good.

He says the numbers are just right. Considering the baby is now actively using his/her own system for things, I was warned the numbers would spike and to watch for them.

But that hasn't really happened. I've been able to keep things stable by still watching what I eat and making sure that everything feels okay.

The best part about today's appointment?

Unless I notice a problem, I don't have to go back for 2 months!

Friday, December 17, 2010

I Need This Luck for the Lotto....

First, I have discovered I love walking through the snow.

As long as there is no wind, the cold feels good. I layer up in clothes, and go stomping through the crusty snow, and feel good after 20 minutes. It's so beautiful out, and the cold goes with A's body temperature, too. I laughed when I realized that the one season I figured it would be impossible to get me outside to walk turns out to be the one season I love it.

Course, I need proper footwear. My sneakers don't leak, but they aren't high enough for my poor socks.

Oh, and watching my husband scout the path ahead and then wait to hold my hand over the icy patches.... I really love that man.

Last night, our complex had a holiday party. Basically, the club room was filled with finger foods, desserts, and sodas for everyone to enjoy. They allowed people to bring their own booze and anything else to share.

And there were raffles for prizes.

The party was from 6-9, and we bundled up and made it down at about 7:20. I snagged fried chicken and some fudge, while A snacked on some pinwheel sandwiches.

As we walked in, they were in the middle of a raffle for prizes. We wandered a bit, snagged, our food once they were done, and then were talking when the woman who had leased us the apartment walked up. She realized we hadn't gotten a raffle ticket, and there was one last prize to give away.

Guess who won 10 minutes later?

So, we have a $25 gift card to Outback. I have another one that I got for free coming in the mail. And we definitely can eat for under $50 there.

Mmmmm. Prime rib.

Now, if only we could manage something like this with the Lotto, then we'd be set...

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Content

These days, I am feeling good. About pretty much everything.

But especially about the gurgles, which is what I call the odd feeling in my abdomen.

Sunday afternoon, I was sitting in the chair when I felt something like bubbles. It wasn't gas. It was too low to be gas.

And then the light bulb went off.

I'm not feeling it everyday, but I know when I do feel something what it is.

The baby is moving...

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

The Colonel Is Content

We went for a quick visit today, and had a chance to speak with the Colonel about how things are going.

Then we did the lay down and pull down pants and underwear to bare my abdomen. After the last 2 attempts I wasn't as excited. I just was talking with them all, and then felt the jelly.

The Colonel gave the general talk about how it may not be heard yet, and suddenly stopped moving the Doppler.

And there it was. A strong steady beating. Sounding healthy and alive.

I looked right at A and said, "That's your baby!" And he grinned and laughed.

Everything is going like it should.

Yes, I have more days than not that I wake up and wonder if that will be the day that the rug is yanked out from under us.

But with each appointment, I realize the baby is really there. And is doing fine.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Winter-huh?

My FIL called.

You should know that his father, A's grandfather, is a mechanic. He works on cars and tractors, and has taken care of my car since we moved here to make sure it was ready for inspection.

Apparently, while visiting this weekend, he asked if anyone knew if my car had been winterized.

I literally answered with, "What's that?"

Needless to say that one day this week grandpa will be coming by to pick up the car. He will perform his magic, and my car should make it through the winter.

Honestly, I learn something new everyday...

Friday, December 10, 2010

Star Wars Day!

So today is the day to wear your Star Wars gear. Even working from home, I made sure that today I wore my favorite shirt for the occasion:



As a side note: I won't be wearing this again anytime soon after today. Apparently, I am growing and the shirt fits a little more snugly than it did this summer...

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Don't Forget: Wear Your Star Wars Gear Tomorrow!

When I first read the news story about Katie, a 7 year-old girl who was being bullied for liking Star Wars, I cried. I know, hormones, but I also remember loving all things odd and never really fitting in with my class at times. It was an odd place to be, and it got easier as I got older and my world grew from 27 people in my elementary school class to over 300 in my high school graduating class.

Aren't familiar with Katie? Read THIS article.

And then remember to wear your Star Wars gear tomorrow, December 10th.

I'm not doing it only for Katie. I am doing it for our baby, because whether a boy or girl, this baby is being born into a Star Wars home.

And will always be encouraged to love whatever it is that makes them happy, whether it happens to be a Wookie, a Transformer, or a Disney princess - regardless of gender.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

The Brutal Truth

One of my mother's closest friends is a mother of 5. Their children are spaced out pretty well, and by some coincidence their last 2 daughters are close enough to my sister and my ages that spending time with them growing up was fun. It was liking having 2 older sisters who were cool and told us about high school and boys.

Their next 2 oldest girls were a league ahead of us, already finishing high school and driving and dating when we still were wondering why they needed boys all the time. It was interesting to watch them get ready to go out, but there was never any urge to spend time with them as they seemed older.

The oldest of the five was their only son. He was always home, and often hung around with us and his youngest sisters. He was born mentally handicapped, and they kept him at home and took care of him.

I remember him trying to learn basic sign. He has never spoken, and even now relies on his parents. I believe he is well over 50 today, and things have not improved other than now there are more programs so that he is able to get out with groups and go to movies and do things that weren't available when he was growing up.

Where am I going with all this?

We had to have a serious talk this weekend about testing. The doctor has given us the averages and the percentages. But in the end we needed to decide. We needed to tell him if we wanted more tests to check for genetic issues.

Including Down Syndrome.

What it all boiled down to was thinking about my mom's friend. She and her husband are retired, their girls married, their grandchildren doing everything from kindergarten to working after completing college. But they still have someone they take care of daily. They make plans for dinner out around activity schedules in order to be able to sit and eat without having to worry.

This is going to sound so selfish, but I don't want to be doing that 50 years from now. I would like to be taking my grandchildren for overnights. I would like to be retired and watching as my children grow old and lead their lives.

I told all this to A and he understood. He knows that I need to know, and he respects that it's my body and I need to choose how much I allow to be done. He also agreed that it would be a lot of work to raise someone with special needs, and it would be better to know now and decide then if it's what we are prepared to do.

So we've scheduled the amnio for 12/22. My FIL is driving us there and back, and work knows I will be working via laptop on the couch. The husband is prepared to handle dinner and take care of me.

I never though this would be the hardest decision we had to make as a married couple. And, honestly, it's not done. Not until we have the results and know what we do next.

Monday, December 6, 2010

A Real First

This weekend was spent indoors. Taking it easy. Because of the weatherman.

I actually stayed awake long enough on Thursday to see that they were expect flurries at some point on Friday. Driving home from the doctor on Friday, it looked like something was hitting the windshield, but neither of us could verify what it was.

Saturday morning, I peeked out the blinds and checked. The skies were bleak, but the ground was dry. No rain, no nothing. Not even the wind was blowing.

I want to say the phone rang at about 5:30. It was definitely dark out. And I was ladling out the chili from the crock pot while A answered.

Then laughed, looked at me, and told his father that he'd have me check out the window for snow.

I squealed, people. Literally squealed in joy. And immediately started snapping pictures on my cell phone.

We inhaled dinner, put on some layers, and went outside to this:



I lasted all of 15 minutes. If that.

We went back upstairs, and I proceeded to text, Tweet, and Facebook all about our first snow. My first ACTUAL snow fall. Outside my home.

Sunday morning, everything was covered in a white blanket. I could not believe it.

And of course had to run out for more pictures!



And make my first snowball...



It was gone by mid-afternoon. The wind has picked up since then.

But according to The Weather Channel, this weekend it will be back. Both days.

Time to stock the groceries!

Friday, December 3, 2010

Tilted

Doctor's appointment has come and gone.

With no heart beat to listen to.

The doctor explained that it may be hard to pick anything up until the 18th week, and he did check things and said everything else looked good.

And then he reminded me that my uterus tilts forward, which isn't a bad thing, but can cause issues when listening to the heart.

My uterus just can't cooperate, can it?

But this weekend we get to talk about how seriously we want to know about genetic issues the baby may have. Because we have to let him know on Monday if we would prefer to have the amnio or not in 2 weeks.

Talk about an interesting weekend...

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Fluffy

When I'm not working, I scour the Internets for blogs. I click on links from regular readers I have bookmarked, and the ads on the sites from Blogher. Through them, I've found a steady group of infertile people who have gone through what we have, and many much more.

The most amazing thing is that so many of these women have found themselves pregnant this year. And there are a few that happen to be about as far along as I am.

And they have started posting belly pics.

The running joke at home is that I am too fluffy to have a baby belly right now. Just before Thanksgiving, both A's mom and grandmother asked if I was showing yet. He answered no while I shook my head and cursed the fluff.

There are still days when I can't believe I am pregnant. There is no feeling of movement yet, and with the fluff in the way I can't even stare in the mirror.

Do I feel a change?

Yes. Especially after the weight loss this last summer, where certain things, like underwear, was beginning to fit loosely. It's now back to a real fit, and even snug at the end of the day.

And let's face it: the end of the day is my favorite time.

I lay on the couch and can feel the top of my uterus. Yes, it's a combination of bladder and eating all day, but I love to lay down for about an hour before bed and just rest my hands on my belly.

Next appointment is tomorrow, and I am praying that the heartbeat is there to listen to. That would just be the best start to the weekend for us.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Thanksgiving Recap

This year I truly felt blessed.

We spent Thursday with the in-laws. I made the full spread, there were 9 of us at the table, and it was so much fun! Everyone loved everything, and I couldn't have been happier.

Favorite part: getting to talk about next year and how there will be a new member of the family.

We left pretty late (for us), and arrived home just as my cell rang.

My family's tradition is to sit together just before diving into the food and share what we are thankful for. Everyone takes a turn, and it is one of the best moments of the year for me.

That phone ringing?

That was them calling as they were about to begin in order to have A and I be a part of it.

There were tears and laughs, and I realized I missed them even more than I had thought.

It also made me realize how much we love one another, even with the distance and time apart.

I really cannot wait to see them all again and have time to really talk. Or just watch a movie.

Just time to be together will be enough.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

A Real Ultrasound - Kinda

Every single ultrasound has been the wand being inserted. The last one was actually no real fun because they squeezed us in, he seemed to be in a rush, and it was just for viability.

But today. Today was different.

Part one of the NT scan was this morning. Everything looks perfectly normal and the ultrasound tech was amazing.

Best part?

Having a second screen to look at things and being able to see and hear the heartbeat. As well as movement.

Our little one was bouncing and moving arms around. The tech gave the bean points for being so well-behaved as every time she was ready to measure all the baby did was lie still.

Here is hoping that behavior continues.

The baby was so well-behaved, in fact, that she kept printing picture. I have 6 of them from today!

Tomorrow is 13 weeks and I cannot wait for the next appointment!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Holiday Cards

Interested in some free holiday cards?

Go check out my mini-review here!!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

The Joy of Hormones

This literally happened about 20 minutes ago.

I was reading this blog and went to leave my comment for Katie.

After posting, I turned to A and told him the story. Which I was bawling at by the end of the tale, especially when I mentioned that one of the commenters was the voice actress of Padme Amidala on Star Wars: The Clone Wars.

Me: I know that I am crying like crazy and I hate it.

A: Are you going to be ok?

Me: Yes, I just can't stop.

A: I really wish you could drink.


Which resulted in me laughing so hard that I stopped crying.

It's going to be a long pregnancy....

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

The Kitty Perspective

Our cat has always had mommy issues.

He has followed me everywhere since he was a kitten. From the kitchen to the living room to the bedroom. And most importantly the bathroom.

It was a running joke back in CA. He could be sound asleep, but if I took two steps down the hallway to use the bathroom.... Well, he'd dart past me and be sitting by the toilet waiting for me.

Even now in our little apartment, if I leave the room he is following close behind. He talks a lot more now, chatting when either of us calls for him, and getting under foot at every opportunity.

You have to understand that when I say he follows everywhere, I mean even in the dead of night he moves when I move. He sleeps with us in bed, and whenever I would get up to do anything he gets up, wanders in, and either grabs a drink of water or waits to see if I pick him up and scratch him.

I've mentioned before that even at my worst diabetic phase I never peed as much during the night as I have during this first trimester. This usually means that every two hours or so I am up, making my way to the toilet, and then back to bed.

The cat is finally sick and tired of it. And has been for a few weeks now.

He will follow me in to the bathroom on the first trip, but after that, nothing. He lifts his head, watches me in the dark, and settles back in.

I still get followed during the day, trust me. But apparently he needs his beauty sleep and it's just too much of an effort to get up and check on me in the middle of the night.

I can't wait to see what his reaction to night feedings is going to be next summer...

Friday, November 12, 2010

The One Thing The Colonel Didn't Check...

I don't know why I thought of this earlier this week, but I realized that neither the RE nor the Colonel have weighed me.

At all.

The RE appointment in July was what triggered the dieting, and since then I had a physical and then my endocrinologist weighed me in October.

But nothing for the baby doctors.

So yesterday morning I had A turn on the Wii, turned on the Wii Fit Plus, and proceeded to do a quick test.

The history there shows that my last weekly weigh-in was on September 20th, 2 days before the pregnancy test turned positive. I was officially at 271.4 lbs, meaning a loss of 25.6 lbs in roughly 2 months of diet and minor exercise.

On October 11th, the Endocrinologist weighed me and the official number was 272.8 lbs. That meant that in 3 weeks I had gained roughly 1.4 lbs.

Which I insist is all in my boobs.

Yesterday morning put me at 11 weeks, 1 day. And according to the Wii, my weight is at 274 lbs even. It's been 4 1/2 weeks since the doctor's office gave me a number, but since then I've gained another 1.2 lbs.

Total so far this trimester is now at 2.6 lbs.

And I am eating, Internets. I am. In order to maintain the diabetes I am snacking every 2 hours and never go hungry.

It's just that the baby seems to need it all right now.

Which I have no problems with.

According to the books, someone of my size should really aim to gain roughly 15 lbs over the pregnancy. If I can get to that I will be content. I am not pushing it, not gorging myself, and listening to my cravings and trying to determine what they mean before diving into the vat of peanut butter or grabbing chips and guacamole.

Next appointments with both the Colonel and Endocrinologist are on November 19th, 1 week from today. I know at least 1 of them will weigh me, and from there I will be able to ask what I should be aiming for.

For now, pass the tangerines and apples!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Veteran's Day

What I find the most interesting about this holiday is that I never appreciated the impact of what it really was for.

Growing up, the boys in our neighborhood had a father who served. My own father worked for a company that manufactured tanks and actually test drove them.

But that was about it.

Today as I updated Face Book with a thank you it was meant for A's cousin. He's back on duty after being on leave last month, and though not on deployment, he is working up North until the next trip. When I stopped to think about this morning I remembered his visit, and the fact that his brother is still under way at this time.

Then I received a thanks for posting what I did and another person "liked" the comment.

These two people I have known for well over 20 years. We knew each other in high school, have stayed in touch, and they know my family so well.

They are also veterans. Something that I had never stopped to think about when I thought of this day.

So, now that my brain is back on right and I stop to think about it, I realize I have known so many veterans since I've grown and I love them all. I never thought of them as ex-military, just old friends, and I owe them thanks for everything they have done.

And to those I don't know, thank you, too. You are the ones that keep us safe and help me to know that it's safe to sleep at night.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Fatgiue and Nausea and Infections, Oh My!

Where did the last week go?

Oh yeah. Fatigue hit.

At the end of last week I was beginning to struggle with being able to stay awake. I gave in Friday night and ended up sleeping almost 12 hours.

Thank goodness for Saturdays.

We did the family BBQ thing, and again that night I crashed earlier and slept another 11 hours.

Needless to say, Monday was hard and this week dragged because I don't feel as if I slept enough.

Tuesday's appointment came with lab work. Lots of lab work. Which I expected to get results from next week.

Then last night we had dinner and sat back to relax. I was content, feeling good, and a little tired.

And then it happened.

I felt wrong. Really wrong. And I suddenly knew what was going to happen.

I am proud to announce I made it to the toilet just in time to return dinner back into the world. The cat was freaked and A asked if there was anything he could do.

A note: Men are messy when using the toilet. I had mentioned to him about 5 weeks ago that if I got sick I was afraid to lift the toilet ring because of the stuff that splashes there. He has since made an effort to clean regularly. I didn't notice until last night. And I made sure to thank him as soon as I'd finished brushing my teeth.

So, I had just sat down and started sipping on water when the phone rang. Caller ID said it was the Colonel's office calling.

They needed the name and number of the pharmacy I use to phone in a prescription. You see, I have a UTI.

I honestly have no symptoms I know of. And even after the flu shot on Tuesday afternoon there have been no side effects of any kind. I actually asked the nurse if she was sure this was supposed to be for me.

So, now I have another pill to take twice a day for at least the next week. Side effects include sleepiness and change to urine color.

Joy.

I immediately whined to A that I was so close to being able to say we had a smooth 1st trimester.

At the same time, A has started talking to my tummy. He even gave it a little fist bump yesterday and said "Mini fist bump, homie".

I can't help but laugh. I think seeing the ultrasounds and meeting the doctor who has nothing to do with reproductive endocrinology has put him in a place where it's happening.

Now if I can avoid losing any more meals, I will be so happy!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

10 Weeks Today

So the appointment yesterday went really well. Even after they took 4 large vials of blood, 3 small vials of blood, and had me give 2 separate urine samples within 1 hour of each other.

The new doctor, who oddly enough reminds me of Colonel Sanders, is just amazing. He made both of us feel at ease, has years of experience, and was very straightforward with us about everything. Afterwards we both talked about it and we are definitely keeping the Colonel on board for this.

We didn't get an ultrasound due to timing, and went back this morning for that. Heart is beating at 170 BPM and the baby is a little over 1 inch long.

My MIL is always saying she can't tell what anything is on an ultrasound, so I labeled everything for her. And here it is for the Internets to see:

Friday, October 29, 2010

Another Month Gone...

We were sitting in the office area this morning when I realized it was Friday. Another week gone, and 4 days until our next appointment.

I cannot believe how fast the last 4 weeks seem to have gone by. I have both ultrasound pictures in a frame here, and soon I hope to be adding another one to the collection.

While I want things to keep moving along at this pace, mainly to find out the sex of the baby, I also told A that I am realizing that it's nice to enjoy our quiet life as well.

So that's what we are doing. Take it easy, enjoying each other, and making the most of the time together we have now.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

The Most Interesting Diet Change So Far

I now eat dried prunes.

Constipation is no laughing matter.

Okay, it can be, but not when you're the one in agony on the toilet.

My FIL says I should try the prune juice, too....

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

More Boob Talk

People, I never thought there would be this much to write about my boobs. Never ever believed it. But they have become the bane of my existence without me realizing it.

To recap, I have been blessed with a well-endowed bust, both thanks to genetics and my overall roundness. I had started to lose some weight with the diet this summer that included that area, but since pregnancy began that was reversed. Add to this that they feel fuller and heavier, and I now understand why the bra was invented.

I'd read in one of the books I have that a good aid in preventing some over stretching is to sleep with a bra on at night. I have these sports bras that are actually comfortable to be in, and I started wearing them every night to sleep about 2 weeks ago.

Additional plus: they are cotton and add a layer of barrier between sore nipples and sheets.

The bras were purchased in a three pack at WalMart for about $10. So after 2-3 nights, they are stretched out a little and need to be swapped for another.

Which works if you time it with your husband's laundry days. Because in our household, I work for the paycheck and he does all the housework.

Well, Saturday night I just didn't sleep at all. I had a serious issue with constipation, the pain was killing me, and I think I am leaning towards a hospital delivery with a lot of drugs. Sunday I was drained, and so spent the day in the pajamas I had slept in, no shower, just resting as much as possible.

Monday, I was feeling so much better, so I showered threw all the clothes into the laundry basket for washing, and started the work day.

The problem is that A didn't do laundry yesterday, and my last available sports bra was now waiting to be washed.

Last night I decided to just let it all hang loose (literally) and went to bed sans support.

Big mistake. Huge. Just huge.

My back was killing me by 2 in the morning. I just could not get comfortable, and when I rolled over it was made worse. My boobs were literally trying to kill me in my sleep.

It took me about 45 minutes to figure out the issue. And about 2 minutes to find a light cotton bra that I could sleep in.

And then I crashed until the alarm went off at 7:30 this morning. Not even my bladder moved me.

So, the lesson learned from all this?

I need to go to WalMart tonight and pick up 2 more packs of bras to sleep in so I never have this issue again.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Fear

So far, I have to confess, there hasn't been anything too horrible with this pregnancy.

*knocks on wood*

There has been nausea but no actual throwing up. Constipation has me wondering if the thought of a natural child birth is too much for me to handle. I am tired, but not drop dead everyday. That last one I attribute to no commute: I can sleep until 30 minutes before work begins, and I don't have to drive after working all day so I can take it easy.

But now I'm at that point where I don't *feel* pregnant. Yes, my pants are fitting me oddly now, but no actually showing is happening. The boobs hurt, but it is a light soreness and not the pain from just 4 weeks ago. There is that occasional nausea wave but nothing further than that.

I am 9 days from the next appointment, and yesterday I had a mini-meltdown in the kitchen.

My mother-in-law's side of the family is active military, mainly Navy. One of A's cousins is home on leave through Halloween after a long deployment, and the family has decided to get together this Saturday before he has to leave again for a small BBQ.

I met his cousin last year when we visited, and we hit it off. He is funny, likes the same games we do, and it was easy to talk to him and laugh. So, I would love to see him this weekend.

But a big part of me is scared.

My father-in-law's side of the family is small. When we found out we were pregnant, I called my mom and sister and brother and nieces. We visited A's parents and told them and his sisters. His grandparents were there that night, so we shared the news with them as well.

With the other side of the family, I left this to my mother-in-law. They are a huge family, as in when we get together for a BBQ they meet at one house the next county over because he has enough land to accommodate all the folding chairs and kids running around in the wooded area behind the house.

It can be a little intimidating.

I assume that they know we are expecting. I know they know about the missed pregnancy in January because they all attend the same church and they prayed for us there.

I'm afraid to walk into a BBQ with well over 30 people who will be wishing us well before I get to hear that heart beating and see the baby again next week. I don't want to have to disappoint people if things don't happen.

This all came pouring out yesterday and A just held me. I apologized for being the insane pregnant woman, and he reminded me this is new to both of us, and not the last time we are going to be wondering what is happening next since we are both going to be first time parents.

At this point, we are playing it by ear. Since I do occasionally have off days where I just want to be home and nowhere else, he's let his family know that at this point we plan to go barring any complications. When I wake-up on Saturday, if I want to brave an afternoon with everyone then we will make the drive out there. If not, we'll take it easy and just wait for the appointment to confirm we are still moving along with this pregnancy.

In the meantime, would it be completely nuts to take another home pregnancy test just to confirm I am still pregnant??

Friday, October 22, 2010

Secret Pregnancy Behavior #1

I know you've heard me say it before, but I am still a plus-size girl. There is this part of me that is seriously afraid I won't look pregnant later on, and instead just look like I put all that weight back on.

Like I've told you before, I have issues.

So, it'll be another 3-4 weeks before my uterus is high enough to show above my pelvic bone and anything to be even remotely noticeable. But I have noticed something.

I am a stomach sleeper. I am making an effort to sleep on my side, mostly the left, but I still find myself most comfortable with my face mooshed into the pillow. Eventually there will be no way for this to happen, but I'm enjoying it while I can.

Each day I make sure to drink at least my 8 glasses of water, maybe a little more if I am thirsty, and even some juice in the morning. By bed time, I have peed more throughout the day than ever before, even when my diabetes wasn't being monitored, but don't feel drained.

So what is it I enjoy doing?

Once in bed, I find myself laying on my left side and slowly rolling forward on to my stomach. Down deep, near my pelvic bone, I can feel the pressure of something that doesn't give the same way that the rest of my cushioned mid-section does. It's tight enough that I can feel it supporting me in an odd way, and I go to sleep smiling.

Yes, I know it's more my bladder sitting comfortably and awaiting the opportunity to wake me in 2hours to relieve it than anything else.

But it gives me hope.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Numb

I know I've written before about the wonders of Facebook.

I've reconnected with people I went to elementary school. I can see what my high school friends are doing, see updates of their lives with their families. There's also that magically wonderful calendar that reminds you of birthdays.

I think the biggest shock is when there is a tragedy. Something that blindsides you and makes you wonder if you misread things. It's so hard to read emotions in what a person writes, but for the most part it's easy to laugh at the jokes, reminisce about music and movies and games, and read about the snippets people share.

An old friend took his life on Monday. I didn't know him as well as most of the others, but he was a part of our loose group of friends. We played in the journalism room, teased one another while working on the yearbook, and had a table among the senior benches where we sat as group and laughed.

It's so strange to be sitting here, crying about something that I don't think anyone could have prevented. But this person seemed so full of life up until last week when he posted his last note. He had traveled to Asia with his wife, they had just moved from NY to CA and bought a house over the summer, and he was posting notes about rescuing a pit bull. There seemed to be plans being made with others online for the future, and his notes and comments showed nothing wrong at all with anything.

I hadn't seen him for years. We lost touch until Facebook, though a mutual friend of ours tried a few times to get us all together for coffee or something whenever she could. I never made an effort, and I regret not getting a chance to talk to him at least once in the last 19 years since we graduated from high school.

My heart goes out to his wife. I don't know what she could possibly be going through, and I hope that she manages to make sense of all this and get on with life.

At the same time, I'm hugging my husband and trying to remain positive so the baby isn't affected by any of these emotions. I'll be pulling out my yearbooks and looking at pictures later, and trying to believe he is in peace somewhere.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Wandering in A Corn Maze

This last Saturday I did something for the first time:

A corn maze.

We went to a nearby orchard/farm where they have ACRES of corn and a huge maze. Well, technically 2 mazes. And we attempted the first one to see how it would go.

First off, I get tired and winded easy. Especially when A's youngest sister and cousin decided to take the lead. And preferred to cut through the corn rows rather than follow paths.

We never finished because of that. There are 5 markers to find that tell you that you are on the right path. We made it to number 3, and then seemed to be making some good time on the path, when someone went through the corn row instead of staying on the path. And this put us on a path that took us back to number 2 and by then my bladder was about done.

So we wandered out. And I got to go in a port-a-potty.

It wasn't as bad as I make it out to be. There was funnel cake to be had. And we sat in the sun and enjoyed the breeze. I also was able to watch the other families, and we all joked about how it would be A next year wearing the baby carrier as we came out to see the pumpkins and animals.

The highlight of my day came while we were sitting on a bench near a table. I was leaning back on A, and he began leaning forward and squishing me a little. I told him to be nice and his dad immediately told him to stop that because that was his grandson in there.

Everyone in the family is so ready for this baby.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Back into the Groove of Things

I am starting this by asking anyone who really does not want to hear too much personal detail about my sex life to stop now. Come back tomorrow. I'll tell you about the corn maze we went to on Saturday.

Just leave while you can.

Ready?

Every pregnancy book tells you that sex after getting pregnant is perfectly safe. I've read this in 3 books as well as online at different sites.

So why is it that my brain had me so fearful of doing anything seriously physical for fear the baby would be knocked loose?

I'm not kidding you. I had a nightmare about this.

I have issues.

During the 5 days leading to ovulation, A and I were all over each other daily. By the end of those 5 days, it wasn't that we weren't in the mood, it was just that we needed a timeout to get back some of that energy.

For me, the 2 week wait began. I was literally convinced that anything extra we did could undo the possible pregnancy. Then I was stuck on it not happening, and that puts me in a place where I just do not get in the mood at all.

Then we found out we were pregnant, and the wait for that heartbeat began.

It has been one stress issue after another. My brain just doesn't go to it's happy place during that time, and the last thing on my mind was being physical.

Then yesterday morning I woke up feeling amazing.

We had been out for the second Saturday in a row with his family and gotten sun, and other than a slight sunburn I was feeling on top of the world.

So things happened, and we laid there and talked afterward and laughed. He admitted that he just assumed I would be off limits until I hit that phase that he'd heard about in pregnancy where a woman seems to want sex a lot. He was prepared to give me the space and time to be comfortable with things.

I love this man.

Now, I have to admit that every single time I wiped myself I was looking for spotting or bleeding or something. But last night there was still nothing, I had a bought of nausea while cooking dinner, and between the twinges and slight cramping that I get every evening, and the super sensitive and sore boobs...well, I still felt pregnant.

And very content.

I know he isn't going to come after me, and he is okay with me taking my time. And I am perfectly okay with seducing my husband when I know I am ready to.

Friday, October 15, 2010

When Gamers Have Kids...

As you may know, we have been trying to have a baby for almost 2 years now. This pregnancy has been a welcome surprise, and while I have a lot to learn about baby safety, specifically why I can't construct a bassinet out of a Star Wars prop, we are prepared with toys.

And I'm not just talking about the Transformers and Star Wars figures that are on display. Or the random stuffed animals we have saved over the years, including a collection of stuffed Tiggers that I think would shock some people.

We have actually spent money on specific items in the last 2 years and said they would be for the baby when it finally came.

Example 1 is straight from World of Warcraft. This is the game where A and I met online, and it will always be something special to us. So we bought a little monster for the baby to have...



It's actually still in its "crate", waiting to be opened and handed to someone who will be able to drool on it.

Not to be forgotten is our mutual love of Star Wars. I have already explained to family that I plan to remove the Han Solo outfit from my Build-A-Bear and dress the baby in it for pictures. Han wouldn't go anywhere without his best friend, so of course we have this little 6" walking carpet:



To clarify, even if our child is a girl, there will be a pic with this little Chewie. I will just have to find a tiny little Princess Leia costume, that's all.

Finally, last month, just after we ovulated but before the positive test, A was looking online and found something he knew I would love. I took one look at this stuffed animal and told him I was ordering it because it would be perfect for a baby to have. I mean, not only does it scream at me to watch the movie, but it brings a big grin to both of us:



I am sure there will be more purchases like this in the coming months. I mean, we still have to find Yoda and Darth, and then look into stuffed Transformers.

And pirates. Cannot forget the pirates!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

I Apparently Have No Shame

For those who have been reading a while, I had lost some weight prior to becoming pregnant. I'm still in the "obese" range, but I luckily have always felt comfortable in my own skin.

Part of the packaging includes an impressive bra size. Something that I was excited to say appeared to be shrinking last month. Something that has begun to reverse itself, making me happy I already have loose fitting bras to wear at this point.

To be honest, the difference is that they are fuller. Not bigger, but heavier and just feeling thick.

I honestly thought I was maybe noticing something that wasn't there, so I decided to ask my husband. He looked at me funny, so I told him to hold out his hands as I proceeded to remove my shirt and bra, and then dropped them into the palms of his hands.

Between laughs he agreed I was right and then asked what I wanted him to do next. It took me a moment to realize we were standing in the living room, with the cat watching, and that this wasn't normal behavior.

This is going to be a long pregnancy...

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

125 Beats Per Minute

We saw that little heart beating away this morning and I couldn't help but giggle.

There's a baby in there and he is growing!

All the measurements line up, everything has doubled in size for the most part, and we have graduated to a regular OB/GYN. We walked across the hall, made sure that Dr. H, who actually handles high risk pregnancies, would be able to take us on, and made the appointment for 11/2.

Yes, I will be considered high risk. I'm over 35 and diabetic, so there is no denying that. And yes, I made sure to mention that to the nurse as the reason we wanted the doctor, and she went back and spoke to him.

Our family is growing.

I still have that fear that at any moment it could all be taken away from me. But I choosing to embrace what I have now, and that little heartbeat just totally made my week.

So, Internets, without further ado, I introduce you to our Bean:

Monday, October 11, 2010

Appt #1: Endocrinology

So this morning I went to my first appointment for the week.

And I left feeling very happy that I pushed to get in to see someone as soon as possible.

My new Endocrinologist is an interesting man, and very sure of what needs to happen. Now, I liked the doctor in CA, I really did. But I found out after I had seen her that she was very new, and was still getting a patient list. I happened to need to make an appointment quick, and she had the opening.

Now, Dr. M is different. He has been doing this for over 10 years, and it shows. I explained what I was taking, he reviewed my numbers, and immediately said that my blood sugar was definitely too high. He prescribed daytime insulin, and even gave me a coupon to have my first box free as a sample.

I have an appointment in roughly 5 weeks to go back. We'll review how my numbers look, and if I need to be switched to a new overnight insulin that may work better and not force me to make 3 injections a night to get the full dosage.

I left behind 4 vials of blood and a urine sample, but I felt good knowing that I had found someone who was going to take care of me and baby.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Star Wars Awesomeness!

I love the paper animation, but the song I'd never heard and love love love. Being the Star Wars nerd I am, I want a mobile or something that plays this for the baby.

And just in case it doesn't embed right, you can view it here.

Jeremy Messersmith - Tatooine from Eric Power on Vimeo.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Getting Used to the Wildlife

I remember being 16, going hiking with my boyfriend in Big Basin, and seeing deer in a clearing. These deer were so used to people that they actually came up to us, and we fed them peanut butter Ritz bits out of the palm of our hands.

Not something that you would expect from wild creatures, but it was amazing then to me.

Driving up into those mountains, I remember seeing signs cautioning you about deer crossing. In the 36 years I lived in CA, never once did a deer cross the road in front of me. I knew people who had hit them or been hit by them while driving, but I'd never seen them. A part of me figured the animals were smarter than that. Why come into the road, right?

On the day of my physical in August, I left out the rear entrance to our complex, and looked right in time to see a doe cross the small road there. She was in a rush, but not running full speed.

A few weeks later, we were driving home from walking at the mall and looked at a field off the side of the road in time to gasp. The field was literally covered with deer, standing and eating, not even minding the traffic.

Two nights ago, on a drive home from running an errand, there was a deer up on the mountain watching the traffic. I almost missed it, but A spotted it immediately and pointed out how it hid in with the brush so naturally.

The there are the groundhogs. I have never seen this many groundhogs ever. They stand and watch traffic, poke their heads out of their holes by the sign down the road, and lay sunning in the sun.

Honestly, the biggest shocker was leaving for the doctor on Monday morning. As we walked downstairs to the car, I heard noise. I looked around and caught a flock of geese taking off from the field at the end of the complex, all honking. I had to laugh, because at first I thought someone had turned on a radio station in some foreign language. When I saw them take flight I gasped, then had to laugh and share with A what I'd thought I'd heard.

As we watch the valley around us change colors from green to yellow and brown and red, I realize I truly do love this area. It's so different than where I came from, and as the seasons change I am completely amazed in the changes that even the animals and insects are going through.

There's a part of me that wants to fast forward 7 weeks, just to be in the clear with the pregnancy and feel more at ease. But at the same time, I am enjoying getting to see this. And doing it with my husband, while it's still just the two of us, makes me smile.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Breathing a Temporary Sigh of Relief

I knew I had been trying to be okay, right up until the appointment yesterday morning. I realized in the office that I was prepared to hear that it was a mistake, that it was a missed pregnancy, and as we sat there I felt myself start to well-up with tears.

That's when A hugged me, kissed me, and told me again he loved me no matter what. He hadn't been able to eat all morning, and was feeling ill with anxiety.

You have to understand my husband. I have been giddy for weeks, and he has been happy but not bouncing off the walls. Like my best friend, D, he has been holding back until we were 100% out of the woods on this. At one point he admitted that he was worried that if something went wrong he would lose me to that pit of despair once again. He doesn't know how to help me, doesn't understand what will make it better, and only knows that he needs to be there for me.

I have to admit, I don't want to end up there again. Just thinking about it at this point is enough to make me cry.

So, I am currently going day to day, looking for symptoms. Waiting for the heavy and sore breasts, the twinges like faint cramps, and the nausea.

Our joke is that pregnancy is the most interesting way of getting initiated into S&M. It's uncomfortable, my breasts are constantly miserable, and I haven't figured out the safe word to make it stop yet. But at the same time, my best moments each day are when I feel all that because I know that this means things are happening.

And the saddest thing?

I really really wish I would get full-blown morning sickness so I'd know the hormones were really there.....

Monday, October 4, 2010

Diagnosis: Pregnant with a History of Infertility

After worrying and fidgeting and checking my breasts for tenderness every 2 minutes, the doctor was able to confirm that we are looking as good as he expected.

He measured the sac and gave us our first picture today. We are apparently a week away from a heartbeat, which has us both even more anxious now, but we have a sac!! And look at it!!



So, we are on our way. I'm still trying to remain focused and positive and believe that this is really happening. I just really need to see a heart beating, you know?

Next appointment is scheduled for October 12th, when we will be 6 weeks and 6 days.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Kitty Issues

These last few weeks have been interesting for Shadow. Being an indoor cat, and basically our only child, he is spoiled.

How spoiled?

He gets a special soft dinner every Sunday. And he knows what it is called, and plays with us to get it.

He gets fed cheese by A for standing upright like a squirrel on 2 legs.

He gets to climb up on me at any time for snuggling and napping.

Before I forget, A has taken over litter duty from the day we got the positive result. I didn't have to ask. We went looking for disposable gloves, found none at the store, and he just started doing it. I still handle food and water, making sure to wash my hands, but he takes care of the litter box without hesitation.

After working at the desk all day, I would stretch out on the couch and close my eyes. Only to have this happen on my chest:



This was a regular occurrence throughout the summer. And actually right up until last week.

Now the issue is that if he steps on my chest the initial reaction is to throw him off me quickly.

He really doesn't know what is happening, or why I won't let him jump up on me. He sits there and looks up, with a pitiful little mew, and stares. I feel horrible, and A is trying to make up for it with him. But it's not working.

How do I know?

Because I wake up in the middle of the night to find someone curled up near my face, with their nose on my chin, purring.

Does anyone know of a way to make a cat understand that they aren't being replaced?

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Another Month Gone

I'm still sitting here wondering whether this is really happening.

When this month started, I was opening a box of ovualtion predictor tests and informing A that he was going to be required to do some work if I ovulated again this month.

The temperature shifted, 3 days later we had the green light on the pee stick that I was ovulating.

I honestly thought we had missed it. We didn't have sex that day. We had been doing that for the last 5 days, and I honestly didn't know whether it was enough.

I didn't wait a full 2 weeks to test. And I had 2 negatives that weekend.

Then the spotting. The faint faint pink.

Then the second line....

I have the home pregnancy test propped up near my monitor still. It hasn't faded or changed. It's completely dried now, and every time I wonder if this is a dream I look at it.

Right now, all we want is a heart beat on the ultrasound. Some confirmation that this really is happening and my body is doing what it should.

That I think is the most frustrating part. The thought that my body will screw this up somehow.

My diet has changed to include more fiber and calcium and vitamins.

Yesterday I was miserable. Nauseated almost all day. Dead tired by the time work ended. I took a 1 hour nap before dinner, and that gave me the energy to be up until 11.

I toss and turn every night. Odd dreams with us and a child, some times a boy and some times a girl.

Which only triggers the thought of fraternal twins....

One more weekend to go and then we'll know what the next step will be...

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

This Morning, I Used the Infertility Card

Calling the doctor this morning was much more exhilarating than I thought it would be. Why?

Because policy is to not see a newly pregnant woman until 10 weeks.

I think my jaw hit the desk. And then I did it. I told the nurse I was infertile, had been diagnosed with PCOS, and I was a little anxious because we had managed to conceive without assistance.

Instantly, the tone changed. I was transferred to the RE's nurse, where I had to leave another message. She called once the doctor reviewed my labs, told me he was very happy with the numbers, and wanted to see me Monday morning.

Just like that, I have my first ultrasound on Monday, October 4th.

The RE called me back an hour or so later to discuss my questions about the diabetes. I've gone back to checking my sugar 4 times a day, once when I wake up, and then 2 hours after each meal. The numbers are still within what I was told is normal, but I am still anxious about my levels. I know it's my responsibility to eat well, and watch the things that can hurt the baby even now.

So, now I've been referred to Endocrinology. Who told me on the phone that all new patient appointments are booked until December.

I must have sounded pitiful. Because she put me on hold, and came back to tell me they could get me in on October 11th at 8:30am.

Apparently, pregnant and diabetic does have some pull with the doctors.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Where I Realize Patience Isn't Always A Good Thing

I was awake before the alarm this morning. We left the apartment around 7:45, and I was having my blood drawn by 8:30.

By 3:30 I was officially stressed. But I didn't want to be nagging the doctor so early, and I figured it could wait until they called me.

Then my husband saw me staring at the ceiling and he said to call.

So, I did. And had to leave a message for a call back.

An hour later, I called again. And they were closed.

At this point, I was seriously kicking myself for not having called earlier. I mean, they had promised a call. I was supposed to have gotten a call. WHY HADN'T THEY CALLED?!?!?!?!

Roughly 40 minutes later, our phone rang. They had nurses scheduled to return all calls received before 4, and I was lucky to be one of them.

Apparently there was a problem with my initial lab. The number was too high for the machine and so they had to dilute the sample and try again. She told me this was a good thing, means the numbers were up, but it would be another 30 minutes before she'd have any info. If the results were available before she left, I'd get a call. If not, the next call would be in the morning.

Well, 32 minutes later (yes, I checked), the phone rang again. She knew I wouldn't be able to sleep without having the count, so she made sure to check before leaving.

Last Wednesday, my count was at 86. Today, 5 days later, I am at 757. She said the numbers were perfect, doing the math on the phone for me, and insisting they weren't too high or too low.

I have to call tomorrow to schedule my 1st prenatal visit. That I can wait to do. For now, things are moving along like they should be.

It looks like our baby is here.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Why Wasn't This Mentioned Before?

So, to recap, my boobs are sore. I have read that wearing a well fitting bra will help with that, so the sports bra is in a drawer and I am fully covered every day with a real bra. Improvement? Yes. And while I want to remove the bra after 9 hours, I am holding steady and making sure that it stays on until at least 8 each night. If I do, I've noticed they don't hurt as much when I climb into bed.

Oh, and remember that extra room in the cups I noticed 2 weeks ago? The jokes about my boobs shrinking? Scratch that. They are now fully filling said cups, and I have a feeling I'll be shopping for something bigger. More on that scary issue of mine another day.....

I think I may have mentioned this before, but I normally do not suffer major PMS symptoms. I have never missed work or school, had to take pills, or been made miserable by cramps. My poor sister, and my nieces, have this issue. They literally get to the point where they want to puke and cannot move at all.

I have always thought myself lucky in this regard. And maybe it is a good thing, because it makes me more aware of every twinge that happens every moment of the day.

The books mention some light cramping, much like you would feel when you are about to get your period.

Take it from someone who never went through this before: This is a weird feeling. It's not exactly pain, though a couple of good strong ones yesterday had me rubbing my stomach. But for someone who normally has nothing happening in that area except good things, this is just weird.

I do want to state that I know that it is a good thing. Everything down there is starting to do its job, and so it needs the stretch and grow. I just wasn't expecting to feel every single little thing that was happening.

...And yes, when it does stop I wish I could poke it with a stick to make is start again. It's the only reassurance I have that everything is still happening.

Blood tests are happening on Monday. I'll have a number, an idea as to where we are, and will also get to schedule my first prenatal appointment. This should include my first ultrasound that will not involve hunting for my ovaries and measuring ova.

This one should include a heartbeat....

Thursday, September 23, 2010

There's A Box In Our Closet...

When we saw that positive pregnancy test in January, not only did we tell everyone we could think of, but we went out to the bookstore. I picked up 2 books about pregnancy, and started reading them both. Less than a week later, my cycle came and we were faced with having to learn what a chemical pregnancy is.

Along with those 2 books, A and I had spent money on 2 other items over the year: A small jersey and t-shirt with Spiderman and a baby blanket that looked piratey and was super soft.

We began packing in late February/early March. I found a small box from something that had been ordered from Amazon, tucked all these inside, and sealed it with tape. Then I found a label and put it on the box, immediately adding it to the stack of boxes we were storing in the closet.

Arriving in VA, everything from the moving van came upstairs to our apartment. We sorted and unpacked, then rented the storage space to move things to. As I sorted the boxes, I came across my little box and was torn between sending it to storage or keeping it with us.

I opted to keep it with us and made space on a shelf in the closet for it.



Yesterday morning, I woke up after a really odd night of fitful sleep. Add to that the odd cramps, high temperature, and no real sign of a period, and I was starting to wonder.

Monday night I had seen pink when I wiped before going to bed. Tuesday morning it was a light brown, very faint. There had been nothing since, no signs of anything, other than the odd crampiness I felt.

So I peed on a stick.

And everything changed.



I don't think I processed it. I walked back to the bedroom for my glasses and to make sure there really was a 2nd line. I told A that I thought we might be pregnant, then showered, ate, and waited for the doctor's office to open.

I was in the lab within 3 hours of that test. And received a call back about 3 hours later to tell me that it was definitely positive and the blood proved it.

By this point, I'd chatted with my sister, called my mother and brother at the break of dawn in CA, and then made sure to IM my best friend and my cousin.

But until that call, I was numb. I am still sitting wondering if this is really going to be it.

I go back on Monday to have more blood drawn, and they will actually tell me my numbers at that time and schedule my first real appointment to check for the heartbeat.

I'm officially 4 weeks pregnant. My baby is tentatively due on June 1, 2011.

And I find myself tentative about jumping into everything at full speed again.

But I can't help but touch my tummy every time there is a twinge and smile. Because it's happening....

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Why I Love Lily and Marshall

At some point in the last 6 months we caught repeats of How I Met Your Mother on television.

Now, admittedly, we both love Barney Stinson with a passion. I declared yesterday to my cousin that we have decided that there is no situation in life that cannot be solved by Barney.

The best part about the show is that we honestly believe that if we were to run into them in the bar we could sit and fall right into their group. There are actually times when they are talking in a scene and we laugh because it reminds us of sitting at the table after a meal with my sister, my brother, and my nieces. The laughing and sharing are just how things are with them.

Last night was the premiere of Season 6. We've seen everything through Season 4 thanks to our DVD collection, but only bits and pieces of Season 5 through reruns. We knew that Lily and Marshall had decided to try having a baby, finally, and there was a part of me that wasn't sure how I was going to handle that.

At this point, if you haven't seen the premiere, or just don't want to know what happens, stop reading. I am about to spoil the end here. Kinda.

See, Lily and Marshall had a big night planned to start trying. When things go wrong, they end up at the bar to vent and argue a little. Marshall mentions he has been good for 2 weeks to give her his strongest men, and Lily sarcastically points out she's read 11 books, checked her temperature every hour, and calculated when the time was right, but congrats on not playing with yourself!

See why I love the show?

What went wrong was that Marshall had begun telling people they were going to try to have a baby. His father made them a cradle/bassinet in his shop and shipped it, arriving just before Marshall got home for their night. When Lily gets so upset he doesn't understand why. As she discovers that he has told more people, it escalates with her until she finally has a chance to talk to him alone.

She feels under pressure. Her biggest concern: What if she can't get pregnant? She tells him she feels she would be disappointing him. Letting him down.

At this point in the show, I am teary and ready to just cry. She said what I think all women feel when they find themselves infertile: They are the problem. They have let everyone down by not being able to do the one thing that should come naturally.

When Marshall tells her that being with her is more important than having a baby, and that she could never disappoint him, I smiled. And my husband yelled from the office area, "Listen to the man!"

We've had this talk before. He's reassured me so many times that if in the end it's meant to be just him and me, forever, then that's the way it is and he would never trade me for anyone else in the world.

So, I am sitting here typing this, all teary, and thinking about everything. The faint pink on the toilet paper last night before bed, the continuing high body temperature, and the negative test this weekend.

We may still have a long road ahead, but I know I've got the right person by my side.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Monday Check-In

So, last week I was hungry. As in I watched what I ate, but I ate a little more each day because I was hungry for some reason.

The result?

I lost a whole 0.2 lbs in the last week. But at least I lost, right?

Also, I took the first home pregnancy test and it came back negative. We agreed we would see how the week progressed, seeing as how there isn't a tiny speck of spotting going on. Normally buy now I'm a little spotty at the least.

But the biggest news is we are finally unpacked. As in there are no more boxes in the apartment that need to be gone through and sorted. Things are in the storage unit, everything is put away.

Well, except for the pile of papers behind me. I need a small filing cabinet to get things organized. That is on the list. That and one large frame.

So that is that...

Now to get though this week and see what it brings.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Sharing Everything

I have a sticky note stuck to the printer on my desk. It has the 2 possible ovulation days for this cycle, and what will be cycle day 30 late next week. There are also notes about possible implantation dates based on those 2 ovulation dates.

So we are now back to the oddest ritual I think I have ever performed:

Staring at toilet paper after wiping to look for spotting.

I should tell you all that we have 1 bathroom. The shower/tub is on the wall opposite the mirror and sink. Also on that wall, facing the mirror and next to the end of the shower/tub, is our toilet.

So, when someone is in the shower, they can see through the curtain to the mirror. If someone happens to be using the toilet while someone is showering, you can really only see their bust and nothing more. Still some semblance of privacy, though apparently not enough in some cases.

Because when the person on the toilet is holding up toilet paper and squinting at it, it can be startling to hear the person in the shower ask, "What the hell are you doing?"

Needless to say, my spouse now knows more about implantation bleeding, spotting, and my issues with wanting to get pregnant than I think he really ever wanted.....

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Cycle Day 23

There is seriously nothing to report. No spotting.

Well, there is one thing.

As the day progresses I no longer want to have breasts.

Why?

Because they are swollen, feel heavy, and sore as all hell along the sides. So far, sleep has not been affected. But I have never been this sore and miserable in my life.

We still have not taken a pregnancy test because we are afraid to take it early. This all could very well be PMS.

But if I am not pregnant after this week, and next month I get the same problem, then A may have to deal with me wanting to surgically remove these things!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

"If" versus "When"

Welcome to Cycle Day 21. Today, I am either 8 days post ovulation or 5 days past ovulation. Depends on which method of testing for ovulation you think is the most accurate.

I am officially in a place of trying to figure out how to phrase things.

My thoughts swing from "if we are pregnant this time" to "when we finally do get pregnant" every other minute. I am trying everything I can to not think about it, to let it happen, to enjoy this time.

But I can't.

Especially with the phantom cramps that twinge late in the day. And this strange urge for steak and spicy food. From someone who is afraid to try buffalo wings, this is huge. As in I ate 5 of them last night.

I just want the next 9 days to fly by. I will either be starting a new cycle or making a call to have blood work confirmed.

I really really want to have to have bloodwork done. Odd, yes, but to me that means a small victory....

Monday, September 13, 2010

8 weeks and 18.4lbs later....

So, the weight is coming off slowly but surely. I am averaging about 2lbs a week, all via diet change and calorie counting. The exercise needs to come along, but I still prefer walking to anything else. The weather is almost to the point where we can start doing this in the evenings again.

The best part of all this has nothing to do with my pants feeling better. Or my sports bras being more comfortable.

It's what my body is doing...

I still inject insulin each night, but I am down to 60 units before bed. This is less than half of what I was taking 2 months ago to control my sugar.

And then you have to throw in the fact that I have managed to ovulate twice now without any progesterone or clomid. That alone is incentive to keep going down this path, and I've already made notes of what I plan to do if we get a positive pregnancy test. Namely, find a dietician and get a meal program in place.

So my weight this morning is officially at 278.6. And for the first time ever my BMI on the Wii Fit is below 50.

Now to just get this whole pregnancy thing jump-started!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

I still remember that day....

Housesitting for friends all by myself.

Getting out of the shower and coming to the bedroom to dress.

Hearing the radio but no music.

Talking about a plane hitting a tower. Then a second one.

Running to the living room, still in a towel, to turn on the TV.

Crying on the couch because I couldn't understand why this was happening.


It's been 9 years, but it still feels like yesterday.

Friday, September 10, 2010

The Only Problem With Losing Weight....

I remember being young and at home when my favorite aunt came to visit. Now, what prompted the visit or anything else about what we did is a blur. But I do remember how excited she was that she lost weight.

She was going on and on about how all she did was trim the fat off the meat, reduce the grease she used for cooking, and watched her portions. I honestly do not think she was ever heavy, but she seemed to be thinking she had been. All I know is that she was fit and trim, and excited about what she had done.

She did have 1 warning though: her breasts had shrunk.

I apologize right now to my cousin, who is reading this and will either be sending me a text about how she needs warnings about these things or will be on Yahoo Messenger shortly to do the same.

So, apparently she was complaining that with the weight loss she had shrunk in her chest area. I will save the conversation about how disappointed my uncle apparently was, mainly because I was too young to really know what her boobs had to do with his happiness.

Again, sorry cousin. I do love you, I swear!

Now, fast forward to 2 days ago. When I was putting on a sports bra fresh from the dryer. And noticed that they weren't as squished as normal. And then when I switched to a normal bra to go out, there was extra material in the cups.

Look, I am and always have been pretty well-endowed. To the point where my greatest fear of becoming a mother is suffocating my child while breast feeding. And I don't think I will ever lose enough weight to actually ever have that fear put to rest.

But seriously: Couldn't that be coming off my waist instead???

And yes, I pointed it out to A and he pouted. Then laughed at the look on my face. Then I told him to be quiet or there would be no sex for him. And he laughed even harder.

Something about me ovulating and needing him......

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Cycle Day 16

I have to rewind to yesterday morning for one moment.

I woke up, took my temperature, peed on the ovulation stick, and then took my shower. When I got out, I saw this:



Apologies for the cell phone pic there.

So, I saw the lines and stared and stared and swore the lines were the same shade. I even woke up A, who said that the line on top looked a little lighter. Course, he was just waking up, so I don't know.

Then this morning I repeated the same morning routine and got this:



That, people, is what it looks like when the test says you ovulated. The line on the left is notably darker, and has been since exactly 2 minutes after peeing on the damn stick.

I can honestly say that I never thought I'd see this without having first endured the Clomid.

Now, I have been trying to stick with the microscope, and I have seen the ferning, but there is no way to get this captured for posterity. I uploaded yesterday's best pic there on the right, and here it is again in case you want to see what I am squinting at:



So, all the signs are saying I am ovulating in the next 24-36 hours, right?

Well, all but one, that is...



According to the BBT chart, ovulation would have occurred 3 days ago.

Do you see where I am left wondering just what day I am on now? Is this now 2 days past ovulation or am I actually ovulating? And what about the cramping on both sides that I was feeling last night before bed?

Either way, we've done what we needed to do. Every day. At least once a day. Since the 5th.

So, we either just managed to beat the cut-off and got there before I ovulated earlier this week, or we managed to up our odds with a few extra days up to today's positive test.

Right now, we are both excited it happened.

And the wait begins....

Monday, September 6, 2010

Cycle Day 13

Things are moving along, and almost look normal.

My BBT has begun the pre-ovulation dip that occurred last month, so I have notified the husband that his services will be required over the next week or so.

He just laughed and said he had no problem with this.

The ovulation prediction kit is showing a 2nd line, and it's not quite dark enough, but it is slowly improving.

I also have started spending time staring into the microscope again, and think I am seeing a slight change.

Needless to say, I will update here. And post pics of anything that shows if there is progress.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Cycle Day 9

So, my truly unexpected cycle came and went with no real issue. It was actually lighter than last month, and other than some odd cramps the day it ended, life was normal.

I was even able to maintain the diet without dying of cravings!

Except for the lunch that consisted of nothing but tortilla chips. Something about the salt...

So, I officially began peeing on a stick as of yesterday morning. I am trying to track the ovulation predictor tests along with my temperature, and I am still playing with my microscope when I remember.

I know, I am horrible at this.

I am noting that with the diet and control of the whole diabetes thing I am sleeping all night long. No bathroom trips. And so my temperature this morning is actually stable.

As in the same everyday since my cycle started. No fluctuations.

It literally is a flat line.

So we will see what happens in the next 10 days. Last month, it said I ovulated on Cycle Day 18. I can say that my tests in the morning showed a faint line yesterday, and a slightly darker one today. It still doesn't indicate I ovulated, but it has me hopeful.

Especially because if it doesn't happen this month, next month I will be with a doctor who will be able to actually monitor things!

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

This is too good not to share...

During my daily blog reading I came across this on Dooce's blog, which she found via Kottke. I have now watched it a few dozen times, my husband is a little tired of hearing Kenny Loggins from my headphones, and I plan to sit through many of these musicals over the weekend....



And if you are frustrated by the lack of space on my site, go here and watch it directly!

Friday, August 27, 2010

He Made My Day On His Special Day

My husband's birthday is today. He is not big on birthdays, hates to have people do things for him, and really has always just wanted a quiet evening rather than a big party.

Every year since we've lived together, I've had to work on his birthday. It's just happened to work out that way, and if he wasn't working then he was home alone.

This morning, he came over with the biggest smile and hugged me.

Turns out, all he's wanted for his birthday was to be able to spend it with me relaxing.

Yes, I have to work during the day. But we are here together, and he is apparently having a great day just because of that.....

And it has me grinning too.

I really do love this man.

Happy Birthday, A!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Month 12, Cycle Day 2

Yes, this is the 12th month since we first attempted the Clomid.

Last September began this odd ordeal of hormones and fits of depression when things didn't happen. I honestly expected that it would just come about, and here we are still looking at things.

The up side to all this is that this cycle came with no progesterone. And also that I could see my ovulation happening on the BBT chart.

In case anyone is curious, I went here, registered for free, and entered my data. As soon as the dip and increase in temperature happened, the graph drew the base line, marked my ovulation, and the temperatures continued to match a normal cycle.

Yesterday, I entered the information and noted Day 1 of the cycle. This morning my chart refreshed to show me the new cycle and a blank sheet.

Talk about making it easy.

This month I am adding the ovulation tests in to see if the chemicals are there. If there is no ovulation, but the temperature changes say there is, then it's something I can take to the doctor. The plan is to see him again on the first couple of days of the next cycle to check on the cyst.

And to start the clomid again.

I am planning to continue losing the weight, trying to get as healthy as possible. All the literature says that if you lose a certain percentage of your body weight it can help the hormones. Apparently, it is going in the right direction, so I'm just going to keep trying and hope this is the magic combination.