Friday, October 29, 2010

Another Month Gone...

We were sitting in the office area this morning when I realized it was Friday. Another week gone, and 4 days until our next appointment.

I cannot believe how fast the last 4 weeks seem to have gone by. I have both ultrasound pictures in a frame here, and soon I hope to be adding another one to the collection.

While I want things to keep moving along at this pace, mainly to find out the sex of the baby, I also told A that I am realizing that it's nice to enjoy our quiet life as well.

So that's what we are doing. Take it easy, enjoying each other, and making the most of the time together we have now.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

The Most Interesting Diet Change So Far

I now eat dried prunes.

Constipation is no laughing matter.

Okay, it can be, but not when you're the one in agony on the toilet.

My FIL says I should try the prune juice, too....

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

More Boob Talk

People, I never thought there would be this much to write about my boobs. Never ever believed it. But they have become the bane of my existence without me realizing it.

To recap, I have been blessed with a well-endowed bust, both thanks to genetics and my overall roundness. I had started to lose some weight with the diet this summer that included that area, but since pregnancy began that was reversed. Add to this that they feel fuller and heavier, and I now understand why the bra was invented.

I'd read in one of the books I have that a good aid in preventing some over stretching is to sleep with a bra on at night. I have these sports bras that are actually comfortable to be in, and I started wearing them every night to sleep about 2 weeks ago.

Additional plus: they are cotton and add a layer of barrier between sore nipples and sheets.

The bras were purchased in a three pack at WalMart for about $10. So after 2-3 nights, they are stretched out a little and need to be swapped for another.

Which works if you time it with your husband's laundry days. Because in our household, I work for the paycheck and he does all the housework.

Well, Saturday night I just didn't sleep at all. I had a serious issue with constipation, the pain was killing me, and I think I am leaning towards a hospital delivery with a lot of drugs. Sunday I was drained, and so spent the day in the pajamas I had slept in, no shower, just resting as much as possible.

Monday, I was feeling so much better, so I showered threw all the clothes into the laundry basket for washing, and started the work day.

The problem is that A didn't do laundry yesterday, and my last available sports bra was now waiting to be washed.

Last night I decided to just let it all hang loose (literally) and went to bed sans support.

Big mistake. Huge. Just huge.

My back was killing me by 2 in the morning. I just could not get comfortable, and when I rolled over it was made worse. My boobs were literally trying to kill me in my sleep.

It took me about 45 minutes to figure out the issue. And about 2 minutes to find a light cotton bra that I could sleep in.

And then I crashed until the alarm went off at 7:30 this morning. Not even my bladder moved me.

So, the lesson learned from all this?

I need to go to WalMart tonight and pick up 2 more packs of bras to sleep in so I never have this issue again.

Monday, October 25, 2010


So far, I have to confess, there hasn't been anything too horrible with this pregnancy.

*knocks on wood*

There has been nausea but no actual throwing up. Constipation has me wondering if the thought of a natural child birth is too much for me to handle. I am tired, but not drop dead everyday. That last one I attribute to no commute: I can sleep until 30 minutes before work begins, and I don't have to drive after working all day so I can take it easy.

But now I'm at that point where I don't *feel* pregnant. Yes, my pants are fitting me oddly now, but no actually showing is happening. The boobs hurt, but it is a light soreness and not the pain from just 4 weeks ago. There is that occasional nausea wave but nothing further than that.

I am 9 days from the next appointment, and yesterday I had a mini-meltdown in the kitchen.

My mother-in-law's side of the family is active military, mainly Navy. One of A's cousins is home on leave through Halloween after a long deployment, and the family has decided to get together this Saturday before he has to leave again for a small BBQ.

I met his cousin last year when we visited, and we hit it off. He is funny, likes the same games we do, and it was easy to talk to him and laugh. So, I would love to see him this weekend.

But a big part of me is scared.

My father-in-law's side of the family is small. When we found out we were pregnant, I called my mom and sister and brother and nieces. We visited A's parents and told them and his sisters. His grandparents were there that night, so we shared the news with them as well.

With the other side of the family, I left this to my mother-in-law. They are a huge family, as in when we get together for a BBQ they meet at one house the next county over because he has enough land to accommodate all the folding chairs and kids running around in the wooded area behind the house.

It can be a little intimidating.

I assume that they know we are expecting. I know they know about the missed pregnancy in January because they all attend the same church and they prayed for us there.

I'm afraid to walk into a BBQ with well over 30 people who will be wishing us well before I get to hear that heart beating and see the baby again next week. I don't want to have to disappoint people if things don't happen.

This all came pouring out yesterday and A just held me. I apologized for being the insane pregnant woman, and he reminded me this is new to both of us, and not the last time we are going to be wondering what is happening next since we are both going to be first time parents.

At this point, we are playing it by ear. Since I do occasionally have off days where I just want to be home and nowhere else, he's let his family know that at this point we plan to go barring any complications. When I wake-up on Saturday, if I want to brave an afternoon with everyone then we will make the drive out there. If not, we'll take it easy and just wait for the appointment to confirm we are still moving along with this pregnancy.

In the meantime, would it be completely nuts to take another home pregnancy test just to confirm I am still pregnant??

Friday, October 22, 2010

Secret Pregnancy Behavior #1

I know you've heard me say it before, but I am still a plus-size girl. There is this part of me that is seriously afraid I won't look pregnant later on, and instead just look like I put all that weight back on.

Like I've told you before, I have issues.

So, it'll be another 3-4 weeks before my uterus is high enough to show above my pelvic bone and anything to be even remotely noticeable. But I have noticed something.

I am a stomach sleeper. I am making an effort to sleep on my side, mostly the left, but I still find myself most comfortable with my face mooshed into the pillow. Eventually there will be no way for this to happen, but I'm enjoying it while I can.

Each day I make sure to drink at least my 8 glasses of water, maybe a little more if I am thirsty, and even some juice in the morning. By bed time, I have peed more throughout the day than ever before, even when my diabetes wasn't being monitored, but don't feel drained.

So what is it I enjoy doing?

Once in bed, I find myself laying on my left side and slowly rolling forward on to my stomach. Down deep, near my pelvic bone, I can feel the pressure of something that doesn't give the same way that the rest of my cushioned mid-section does. It's tight enough that I can feel it supporting me in an odd way, and I go to sleep smiling.

Yes, I know it's more my bladder sitting comfortably and awaiting the opportunity to wake me in 2hours to relieve it than anything else.

But it gives me hope.

Thursday, October 21, 2010


I know I've written before about the wonders of Facebook.

I've reconnected with people I went to elementary school. I can see what my high school friends are doing, see updates of their lives with their families. There's also that magically wonderful calendar that reminds you of birthdays.

I think the biggest shock is when there is a tragedy. Something that blindsides you and makes you wonder if you misread things. It's so hard to read emotions in what a person writes, but for the most part it's easy to laugh at the jokes, reminisce about music and movies and games, and read about the snippets people share.

An old friend took his life on Monday. I didn't know him as well as most of the others, but he was a part of our loose group of friends. We played in the journalism room, teased one another while working on the yearbook, and had a table among the senior benches where we sat as group and laughed.

It's so strange to be sitting here, crying about something that I don't think anyone could have prevented. But this person seemed so full of life up until last week when he posted his last note. He had traveled to Asia with his wife, they had just moved from NY to CA and bought a house over the summer, and he was posting notes about rescuing a pit bull. There seemed to be plans being made with others online for the future, and his notes and comments showed nothing wrong at all with anything.

I hadn't seen him for years. We lost touch until Facebook, though a mutual friend of ours tried a few times to get us all together for coffee or something whenever she could. I never made an effort, and I regret not getting a chance to talk to him at least once in the last 19 years since we graduated from high school.

My heart goes out to his wife. I don't know what she could possibly be going through, and I hope that she manages to make sense of all this and get on with life.

At the same time, I'm hugging my husband and trying to remain positive so the baby isn't affected by any of these emotions. I'll be pulling out my yearbooks and looking at pictures later, and trying to believe he is in peace somewhere.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Wandering in A Corn Maze

This last Saturday I did something for the first time:

A corn maze.

We went to a nearby orchard/farm where they have ACRES of corn and a huge maze. Well, technically 2 mazes. And we attempted the first one to see how it would go.

First off, I get tired and winded easy. Especially when A's youngest sister and cousin decided to take the lead. And preferred to cut through the corn rows rather than follow paths.

We never finished because of that. There are 5 markers to find that tell you that you are on the right path. We made it to number 3, and then seemed to be making some good time on the path, when someone went through the corn row instead of staying on the path. And this put us on a path that took us back to number 2 and by then my bladder was about done.

So we wandered out. And I got to go in a port-a-potty.

It wasn't as bad as I make it out to be. There was funnel cake to be had. And we sat in the sun and enjoyed the breeze. I also was able to watch the other families, and we all joked about how it would be A next year wearing the baby carrier as we came out to see the pumpkins and animals.

The highlight of my day came while we were sitting on a bench near a table. I was leaning back on A, and he began leaning forward and squishing me a little. I told him to be nice and his dad immediately told him to stop that because that was his grandson in there.

Everyone in the family is so ready for this baby.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Back into the Groove of Things

I am starting this by asking anyone who really does not want to hear too much personal detail about my sex life to stop now. Come back tomorrow. I'll tell you about the corn maze we went to on Saturday.

Just leave while you can.


Every pregnancy book tells you that sex after getting pregnant is perfectly safe. I've read this in 3 books as well as online at different sites.

So why is it that my brain had me so fearful of doing anything seriously physical for fear the baby would be knocked loose?

I'm not kidding you. I had a nightmare about this.

I have issues.

During the 5 days leading to ovulation, A and I were all over each other daily. By the end of those 5 days, it wasn't that we weren't in the mood, it was just that we needed a timeout to get back some of that energy.

For me, the 2 week wait began. I was literally convinced that anything extra we did could undo the possible pregnancy. Then I was stuck on it not happening, and that puts me in a place where I just do not get in the mood at all.

Then we found out we were pregnant, and the wait for that heartbeat began.

It has been one stress issue after another. My brain just doesn't go to it's happy place during that time, and the last thing on my mind was being physical.

Then yesterday morning I woke up feeling amazing.

We had been out for the second Saturday in a row with his family and gotten sun, and other than a slight sunburn I was feeling on top of the world.

So things happened, and we laid there and talked afterward and laughed. He admitted that he just assumed I would be off limits until I hit that phase that he'd heard about in pregnancy where a woman seems to want sex a lot. He was prepared to give me the space and time to be comfortable with things.

I love this man.

Now, I have to admit that every single time I wiped myself I was looking for spotting or bleeding or something. But last night there was still nothing, I had a bought of nausea while cooking dinner, and between the twinges and slight cramping that I get every evening, and the super sensitive and sore boobs...well, I still felt pregnant.

And very content.

I know he isn't going to come after me, and he is okay with me taking my time. And I am perfectly okay with seducing my husband when I know I am ready to.

Friday, October 15, 2010

When Gamers Have Kids...

As you may know, we have been trying to have a baby for almost 2 years now. This pregnancy has been a welcome surprise, and while I have a lot to learn about baby safety, specifically why I can't construct a bassinet out of a Star Wars prop, we are prepared with toys.

And I'm not just talking about the Transformers and Star Wars figures that are on display. Or the random stuffed animals we have saved over the years, including a collection of stuffed Tiggers that I think would shock some people.

We have actually spent money on specific items in the last 2 years and said they would be for the baby when it finally came.

Example 1 is straight from World of Warcraft. This is the game where A and I met online, and it will always be something special to us. So we bought a little monster for the baby to have...

It's actually still in its "crate", waiting to be opened and handed to someone who will be able to drool on it.

Not to be forgotten is our mutual love of Star Wars. I have already explained to family that I plan to remove the Han Solo outfit from my Build-A-Bear and dress the baby in it for pictures. Han wouldn't go anywhere without his best friend, so of course we have this little 6" walking carpet:

To clarify, even if our child is a girl, there will be a pic with this little Chewie. I will just have to find a tiny little Princess Leia costume, that's all.

Finally, last month, just after we ovulated but before the positive test, A was looking online and found something he knew I would love. I took one look at this stuffed animal and told him I was ordering it because it would be perfect for a baby to have. I mean, not only does it scream at me to watch the movie, but it brings a big grin to both of us:

I am sure there will be more purchases like this in the coming months. I mean, we still have to find Yoda and Darth, and then look into stuffed Transformers.

And pirates. Cannot forget the pirates!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

I Apparently Have No Shame

For those who have been reading a while, I had lost some weight prior to becoming pregnant. I'm still in the "obese" range, but I luckily have always felt comfortable in my own skin.

Part of the packaging includes an impressive bra size. Something that I was excited to say appeared to be shrinking last month. Something that has begun to reverse itself, making me happy I already have loose fitting bras to wear at this point.

To be honest, the difference is that they are fuller. Not bigger, but heavier and just feeling thick.

I honestly thought I was maybe noticing something that wasn't there, so I decided to ask my husband. He looked at me funny, so I told him to hold out his hands as I proceeded to remove my shirt and bra, and then dropped them into the palms of his hands.

Between laughs he agreed I was right and then asked what I wanted him to do next. It took me a moment to realize we were standing in the living room, with the cat watching, and that this wasn't normal behavior.

This is going to be a long pregnancy...

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

125 Beats Per Minute

We saw that little heart beating away this morning and I couldn't help but giggle.

There's a baby in there and he is growing!

All the measurements line up, everything has doubled in size for the most part, and we have graduated to a regular OB/GYN. We walked across the hall, made sure that Dr. H, who actually handles high risk pregnancies, would be able to take us on, and made the appointment for 11/2.

Yes, I will be considered high risk. I'm over 35 and diabetic, so there is no denying that. And yes, I made sure to mention that to the nurse as the reason we wanted the doctor, and she went back and spoke to him.

Our family is growing.

I still have that fear that at any moment it could all be taken away from me. But I choosing to embrace what I have now, and that little heartbeat just totally made my week.

So, Internets, without further ado, I introduce you to our Bean:

Monday, October 11, 2010

Appt #1: Endocrinology

So this morning I went to my first appointment for the week.

And I left feeling very happy that I pushed to get in to see someone as soon as possible.

My new Endocrinologist is an interesting man, and very sure of what needs to happen. Now, I liked the doctor in CA, I really did. But I found out after I had seen her that she was very new, and was still getting a patient list. I happened to need to make an appointment quick, and she had the opening.

Now, Dr. M is different. He has been doing this for over 10 years, and it shows. I explained what I was taking, he reviewed my numbers, and immediately said that my blood sugar was definitely too high. He prescribed daytime insulin, and even gave me a coupon to have my first box free as a sample.

I have an appointment in roughly 5 weeks to go back. We'll review how my numbers look, and if I need to be switched to a new overnight insulin that may work better and not force me to make 3 injections a night to get the full dosage.

I left behind 4 vials of blood and a urine sample, but I felt good knowing that I had found someone who was going to take care of me and baby.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Star Wars Awesomeness!

I love the paper animation, but the song I'd never heard and love love love. Being the Star Wars nerd I am, I want a mobile or something that plays this for the baby.

And just in case it doesn't embed right, you can view it here.

Jeremy Messersmith - Tatooine from Eric Power on Vimeo.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Getting Used to the Wildlife

I remember being 16, going hiking with my boyfriend in Big Basin, and seeing deer in a clearing. These deer were so used to people that they actually came up to us, and we fed them peanut butter Ritz bits out of the palm of our hands.

Not something that you would expect from wild creatures, but it was amazing then to me.

Driving up into those mountains, I remember seeing signs cautioning you about deer crossing. In the 36 years I lived in CA, never once did a deer cross the road in front of me. I knew people who had hit them or been hit by them while driving, but I'd never seen them. A part of me figured the animals were smarter than that. Why come into the road, right?

On the day of my physical in August, I left out the rear entrance to our complex, and looked right in time to see a doe cross the small road there. She was in a rush, but not running full speed.

A few weeks later, we were driving home from walking at the mall and looked at a field off the side of the road in time to gasp. The field was literally covered with deer, standing and eating, not even minding the traffic.

Two nights ago, on a drive home from running an errand, there was a deer up on the mountain watching the traffic. I almost missed it, but A spotted it immediately and pointed out how it hid in with the brush so naturally.

The there are the groundhogs. I have never seen this many groundhogs ever. They stand and watch traffic, poke their heads out of their holes by the sign down the road, and lay sunning in the sun.

Honestly, the biggest shocker was leaving for the doctor on Monday morning. As we walked downstairs to the car, I heard noise. I looked around and caught a flock of geese taking off from the field at the end of the complex, all honking. I had to laugh, because at first I thought someone had turned on a radio station in some foreign language. When I saw them take flight I gasped, then had to laugh and share with A what I'd thought I'd heard.

As we watch the valley around us change colors from green to yellow and brown and red, I realize I truly do love this area. It's so different than where I came from, and as the seasons change I am completely amazed in the changes that even the animals and insects are going through.

There's a part of me that wants to fast forward 7 weeks, just to be in the clear with the pregnancy and feel more at ease. But at the same time, I am enjoying getting to see this. And doing it with my husband, while it's still just the two of us, makes me smile.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Breathing a Temporary Sigh of Relief

I knew I had been trying to be okay, right up until the appointment yesterday morning. I realized in the office that I was prepared to hear that it was a mistake, that it was a missed pregnancy, and as we sat there I felt myself start to well-up with tears.

That's when A hugged me, kissed me, and told me again he loved me no matter what. He hadn't been able to eat all morning, and was feeling ill with anxiety.

You have to understand my husband. I have been giddy for weeks, and he has been happy but not bouncing off the walls. Like my best friend, D, he has been holding back until we were 100% out of the woods on this. At one point he admitted that he was worried that if something went wrong he would lose me to that pit of despair once again. He doesn't know how to help me, doesn't understand what will make it better, and only knows that he needs to be there for me.

I have to admit, I don't want to end up there again. Just thinking about it at this point is enough to make me cry.

So, I am currently going day to day, looking for symptoms. Waiting for the heavy and sore breasts, the twinges like faint cramps, and the nausea.

Our joke is that pregnancy is the most interesting way of getting initiated into S&M. It's uncomfortable, my breasts are constantly miserable, and I haven't figured out the safe word to make it stop yet. But at the same time, my best moments each day are when I feel all that because I know that this means things are happening.

And the saddest thing?

I really really wish I would get full-blown morning sickness so I'd know the hormones were really there.....

Monday, October 4, 2010

Diagnosis: Pregnant with a History of Infertility

After worrying and fidgeting and checking my breasts for tenderness every 2 minutes, the doctor was able to confirm that we are looking as good as he expected.

He measured the sac and gave us our first picture today. We are apparently a week away from a heartbeat, which has us both even more anxious now, but we have a sac!! And look at it!!

So, we are on our way. I'm still trying to remain focused and positive and believe that this is really happening. I just really need to see a heart beating, you know?

Next appointment is scheduled for October 12th, when we will be 6 weeks and 6 days.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Kitty Issues

These last few weeks have been interesting for Shadow. Being an indoor cat, and basically our only child, he is spoiled.

How spoiled?

He gets a special soft dinner every Sunday. And he knows what it is called, and plays with us to get it.

He gets fed cheese by A for standing upright like a squirrel on 2 legs.

He gets to climb up on me at any time for snuggling and napping.

Before I forget, A has taken over litter duty from the day we got the positive result. I didn't have to ask. We went looking for disposable gloves, found none at the store, and he just started doing it. I still handle food and water, making sure to wash my hands, but he takes care of the litter box without hesitation.

After working at the desk all day, I would stretch out on the couch and close my eyes. Only to have this happen on my chest:

This was a regular occurrence throughout the summer. And actually right up until last week.

Now the issue is that if he steps on my chest the initial reaction is to throw him off me quickly.

He really doesn't know what is happening, or why I won't let him jump up on me. He sits there and looks up, with a pitiful little mew, and stares. I feel horrible, and A is trying to make up for it with him. But it's not working.

How do I know?

Because I wake up in the middle of the night to find someone curled up near my face, with their nose on my chin, purring.

Does anyone know of a way to make a cat understand that they aren't being replaced?