Fear

So far, I have to confess, there hasn't been anything too horrible with this pregnancy.

*knocks on wood*

There has been nausea but no actual throwing up. Constipation has me wondering if the thought of a natural child birth is too much for me to handle. I am tired, but not drop dead everyday. That last one I attribute to no commute: I can sleep until 30 minutes before work begins, and I don't have to drive after working all day so I can take it easy.

But now I'm at that point where I don't *feel* pregnant. Yes, my pants are fitting me oddly now, but no actually showing is happening. The boobs hurt, but it is a light soreness and not the pain from just 4 weeks ago. There is that occasional nausea wave but nothing further than that.

I am 9 days from the next appointment, and yesterday I had a mini-meltdown in the kitchen.

My mother-in-law's side of the family is active military, mainly Navy. One of A's cousins is home on leave through Halloween after a long deployment, and the family has decided to get together this Saturday before he has to leave again for a small BBQ.

I met his cousin last year when we visited, and we hit it off. He is funny, likes the same games we do, and it was easy to talk to him and laugh. So, I would love to see him this weekend.

But a big part of me is scared.

My father-in-law's side of the family is small. When we found out we were pregnant, I called my mom and sister and brother and nieces. We visited A's parents and told them and his sisters. His grandparents were there that night, so we shared the news with them as well.

With the other side of the family, I left this to my mother-in-law. They are a huge family, as in when we get together for a BBQ they meet at one house the next county over because he has enough land to accommodate all the folding chairs and kids running around in the wooded area behind the house.

It can be a little intimidating.

I assume that they know we are expecting. I know they know about the missed pregnancy in January because they all attend the same church and they prayed for us there.

I'm afraid to walk into a BBQ with well over 30 people who will be wishing us well before I get to hear that heart beating and see the baby again next week. I don't want to have to disappoint people if things don't happen.

This all came pouring out yesterday and A just held me. I apologized for being the insane pregnant woman, and he reminded me this is new to both of us, and not the last time we are going to be wondering what is happening next since we are both going to be first time parents.

At this point, we are playing it by ear. Since I do occasionally have off days where I just want to be home and nowhere else, he's let his family know that at this point we plan to go barring any complications. When I wake-up on Saturday, if I want to brave an afternoon with everyone then we will make the drive out there. If not, we'll take it easy and just wait for the appointment to confirm we are still moving along with this pregnancy.

In the meantime, would it be completely nuts to take another home pregnancy test just to confirm I am still pregnant??