I really don't like this feeling....

Earlier this year, under some severe peer pressure, I joined Facebook.

Prior to this, I fought the urge to become part of a social network, but hearing about the updates people had there and how my sister had managed to find most of her elementary school class had me itching. Add my cousin and closest friend to the mix, and that did it.

I have managed to reconnect with some people. In June, I went to a school festival at the Catholic school I attended from Kindergarten through 8th grade and got to see some people I hadn't seen in over 20 years. It was amazing to stand there and talk to them, and I do have to thank Facebook for that.

That and Farmville. I am okay with admitting my need to check on my plants and livestock everyday. My husband was worried, did a lot of eye rolling, but now comments on how nice it's all looking. I still cannot convince him to sign-up, but my brother/our roommate did, and even he is enjoying the farming.

Along with elementary school friends, I have managed to find some friends from high school who have been missing in my life for well over 15 years. I love that I can read updates from people all over the world, including a friend in Beijing. The internet is a beautiful place, I tell you.

Well, by now you are wondering about the title of the post and how my mood has improved so much from yesterday, yes?

Don't be fooled, people.

While I love the connections I am making with people who made such an impact on me growing up, I find myself mad. Mad at the fact that friends of mine are enjoying their newborns or announcing pregnancies and all I can do is try not to cry in front of my family.

Please don't think I am a horrible person. I am happy for these people, and love the picture of those tiny feet and hands and faces. They make me smile. But then that underlying feeling of...what is it?...is it remorse? Can I feel remorse over something I've never had?

I really don't know how to describe it, but it hits me from out of nowhere, and I find myself choking back tears. Like now as I type this. I feel pathetic, I really do, but I can't help any of it.

This was supposed to be the easy part. People do this all the time. They make babies. A lot of them completely unplanned, and sometimes not really wanted. Why can't it just happen like it's supposed to?

My closest friend reminded my of the delay she had in getting pregnant with her 2nd child. And to remember that when it's the right time, and the right baby, it will happen.

And I do truly believe this with all my being.

But at the same time, I really just want this feeling to just stop hurting me. I am just tired of hurting.