Almost Officially Infertile

Everything I've read says that the medical community declares a person to be infertile when they have attempted to get pregnant for a year with no use of birth control present.

On Valentine's Day, 2010, it will be 1 year.

After the conversation with my doctor, I thought about things and then talked to A last night.

You all need to know that yesterday he held me and told me that if our lives were meant to be lived together, just us alone, he would still be happy. And that he wanted me to do what was right for me, because in the end it was my body.

So last night I told him I wanted to try 2 more cycles, finish the year of trying, and then shelve this. Just until we move, have settled in VA, and had some months to save money.

My mother has always said that things happen for a reason. So, I am going to believe that if I don't conceive in the next 2 months that it is because it wasn't supposed to happen right now. Not before the move, when we will be someplace where we can save money, pay down debt, and afford to meet with fertility specialists. Where the extra time and monitoring will be easier because I'll be working from home and can control things a little better.

I am still so sad and weepy about all this. But after talking this out last night I did realize that I felt better. Oddly, it was knowing I was taking control of something, and a date that we were working towards....it made it all fall away.

My husband is fully supportive of whatever way I want to handle this. He was relieved I was better last night. He said it killed him each month because he lost me for days on end with the sadness that overtook me each time.

So, two more months of Chlomid and scans. Then we switch gears to focus on the move and start again.

Honestly, I slept better last night than I have in a while. I am still wanting a quiet Christmas, which I'm not sure my family completely understands. But it's still not 100% okay in my heart, and trying to make it seem so only makes everything else worse.

And for now I have to keep taking control and make the bad stuff go away....