Not Quite....

I want to start by saying I really did marry the right man.

Friday morning, as he was leaving work to walk home, he called me at work and asked if I wanted him there at the scan. I told him that of course I did. And he said he would be ready.

I think he got more than he bargained for.

The follicle scan involved taking a rather long wand, which had the ultrasound device at it's head, and basically inserting in to me.

And he stood there, holding my hand, and watching the screen as my doctor explained what she was looking for.

First of all, my uterus was doing the right thing. It was a couple of inches thick, which means it was prepping for fertilization. When she said this I know my pulse increased because I suddenly was so hopeful. I was still realistic, she had even said that the only 50% of people see the clomid work on the lowest dosage. But the news that my body was prepping like it should had me excited.

She had explained that she was looking for a follicle at least 2 centimeters big. Since I know someone asked, a follicle is what a ripened egg is referred to. When ovulation is about to happen, the chosen ova enlarges and a follicle forms around it, which I understand helps it to be released during the actual ovulation process. What she wanted was at least 1 that was big enough so that we could take the next step. Because the clomid is working to stimulate my body into ovulating, there is a chance that more than 1 follicle will be present, and that could results in multiples if they are all released and become fertilized.

Next came the search for my ovaries. The first was found after about 3 minutes of searching. And there was a follicle. But it was only .75 centimeters and she said it just wouldn't do.

It took her 10 minutes to find my other ovary. Apparently I am going to be difficult, and next time I need to drink some water to help with the ultrasound next time.

Yes, there will be a next time as of this moment. Because there were no other follicles.

She said she was going to count this as a fail. There is still a very low chance that the follicle she did see will mature in the next few days and I could ovulate. So I have a package of ovulation kits, and I start using them on Monday. After 1 week, if nothing has happened, I need to call and have her prescribe a higher dosage of clomid and refill the drugs to jump start my cycle.

And we begin counting days until the next appointment.

She tried to be positive. She offered word of encouragement. Then she said we would talk soon and walked out.

And I cried.

I have cried on and off for the last 29 hours. I can talk about it now without being a complete wreck, which is why I felt I could write it down.

A just held me. He told me later in the car that he didn't know how to help me, but to just tell him what I needed, or go call who I needed to in order to get through this.

When we finally went to bed last night I told him he had done perfectly.

So for now, we are still waiting. I've reached a low I didn't think I could. Part of me feels like I have failed, that I am broken, that I have let down my husband.

He smiles at me and says that I am silly and he loves me.

We both have agreed my cousin is right: this baby will be so loved because of what we will be going through to make it happen. And it will happen. We will be amazing parents, and all this love will result in a wonderful family.

It just has to happen.