Cycle Day 24

We are officially out of ovulation kits and there has been no sign of anything.

Nada.

Nothing.

What bothers me the most about this month is that there is no data for me to go through. No scan to say that there was something and we missed or that there was nothing.

The biggest surprise had been A asking me if I am sure I want to not try an IUI before leaving.

I am just so tired of being disappointed each month. And with no sign of ovulation, that means there will be no period, so I'd have to get progesterone to force the process. So that means more hormones, and more chances of being a mess.

For now I just don't want to think about it. So I am waiting another week to see what my body wants to do.

A Note To My Doctor

Dear Doc,

I want to thank you for doing what you could in the last year I have been your patient. You've been very supportive, and up until the clomid issue at the beginning of this month, there have been no problems.

I would like to recommend something to your staff:

Before sending out a letter congratulating someone on their new pregnancy, with tips about the first few weeks, and notes for their first ultrasound, could they perhaps check the patient's records?

Especially when the postmark is 2 WEEKS after pregnancy was unconfirmed via blood work?

It may be a good idea to have them check. Because, I would assume, the receiver of such news at a point when they have dealt with what didn't happen and are in the middle of it not happening AGAIN, would open this letter cautiously. Maybe snort that they sent it without thinking.

And then burst into tears when their husband asked what was up.

And contemplate drinking.

A lot.

Just a friendly tip from a patient.

Yours,

Me

How to Kill the Mood With Sarcasm

On Valentine's Day, I was prepping a roast for the oven when A came in to the kitchen. He walked up behind me, put his arms around me, and began to kiss my neck.

Me: Excuse me, sir. What are you doing?

A: Kissing on you.

Me: *trying to wiggle out of his arms* But I am trying to get this roast in the oven for dinner.

A: *laughing* I'll put something in your oven...

Me: No, you can't put anything in my oven. Cause it's broken, remember?

A: *Drops his arms and steps back* Now why'd you have to go there?.....

This Is Not the Subject I Wanted to Be An "Expert" On

I think I may have mentioned briefly before that I work in a call center. I actually lead a team who answers general questions for employees from different companies on their benefits, what's covered and isn't, and how to get help with claims.

Fun, right?

The advantage to this is that I know how to read statements from carriers. I also can generally advise the right way to get something corrected.

In the general scheme of things, it's not too bad a job. I like helping people.

The irony of it all is that the one question none of us has ever liked getting is "does my insurance plan cover infertility treatment?".

Insurance is so broad about their terminology, and will cover certain things, but not others because to them it isn't medically necessary. It sucks, royally. Most of my items were covered, and the agreed upon rate with the carriers weren't too bad. But I know that IVF will not be, and I don't look forward to having to make that decision.

When callers ask the dreaded question, the normal response is to refer them to the carrier. There are a couple of insurance brokers we can ask to check items on their behalf, but it still is a touchy subject for everyone. Especially when you don't know the terminology, and the caller isn't ready to tell you about their issues.

So, when my phone rang earlier and the question was asked, I froze for a moment. And then asked what specifically she wanted to know about.

Once I started saying "follicle scan", "clomid", "IUI", the caller quietly said that it sounded like I knew what she was going through. After a couple more questions, she thanked me for taking the time and hung up.

I looked at my team and told them that while I am happy I could help, at the same time I wanted to cry.

I never thought I would be the one who would have first-hand knowledge about these types of treatments.

It's been a year.

I am officially infertile.

Thinking Positive

Besides the fact that we have 9 weeks until we leave, the other item currently on my calendar happens in a little over 3 weeks:

Party!

Once upon a time, drinking was the fun escape on weekends. I can honestly say that I never "technically" drank alone. Being the avid online gamer, my Fridays and Saturdays were spent drinking, playing online, and using a voice chat to talk to all my friends. In various parts of the USA. Also heavily drinking.

There was even one unfortunate night when doing shots of rum with a friend who drove to town to visit and crash at my apartment ended in a mess in the bathroom. But he left me to clean myself up, and then made sure I didn't drink anymore and went to bed.

See, that's what friends are for! Taking care of you when your breath stinks of vomit and alcohol! And you are too wasted to realize you are breathing on them!

Back to the main topic...

I collected alcohol during the years, and when we moved into the mobile home a couple of years ago we brought along 2 boxes of alcohol. And promptly set up a cabinet in the dining room with nothing but booze.

And most of it is still there.

So, next month we are officially having a party. We are doing one last birthday party for me, house party for the house, and have asked people to drink all our booze. Because we aren't transporting it across state lines.

My brother has even suggested raffling off the leftovers at the end of the night. Just so it really is all gone.

I don't drink anymore. I really haven't had a drink since just after I was diagnosed with diabetes and put on meds. The alcohol made me loopy fast, and it felt wrong. Not drunk, just wrong. So, no drinking for me.

And that's not why I am looking forward to this gathering.

We have friends everywhere, and everyone is making an effort to get here to see us together one last time.

If that doesn't warm your heart, then I don't know what else will.

My cousin and her other half are coming from Indiana. My best friend is coming from Washington. And I have a couple of others heading in from Nevada and Texas.

The camera will be charged. There will be some great pictures.

And I will be able to say goodbye to all the friends here in California who have made my life what it is.

These are the things that get me through everything else right now. And I need them more than I am willing to admit out loud.

Cycle Day 15...

...and still no ovulation.

I spent the weekend packing our bedroom. It looks to be about 95% done, and after that is completed the rest of the house will be a snap.

As I was sitting on the bed, crying over not ovulating, A asked me if I wanted to try again next month. Once more, complete with IUI.

I really don't know anymore.

I've told him it would depend on the timing. We are having a party for my birthday, people are coming, and I just don't want to be juggling an appointment on top of everything else.

So, we'll see.

For now, I'm just focusing on the short work week and the next cleaning/packing project on the list once our room is all done...

Step 2: The Truck Rental

Well, I've officially booked our moving truck. We will be picking it up on April 20th, giving A and his dad and grandad 2 days to load it securely before we hit the road.

I did some comparison shopping online, and we are going with a Ryder truck.

Now we just need a place to unpack at!

The hunt will begin soon on that. I am hoping to have something nailed down in March. If it works, we'll technically be tennants as of April 15th, giving his family time to take some of the furniture they are holding for us and leaving it there.

Though, even if that doesn't work, we'll have the moving van for a week and plenty of time to move things.

Today is officially the beginning of my ovulation testing for anyone keeping score. My cycles for the last 3 months have been 30 days, 34 days, and 31 days in length. Even with that knowledge, I am testing about 4 days earlier than expected just in the hopes that we catch something in the next 2 weeks.

The only thing that might get in the way is A's back. Because he did something to it this weekend. And now he is in some pain.

Though, and I apologize for the TMI moment, he has assured me that he will do whatever it takes to get things where they need to be to make things happen.

What a team player!

Step 1: The Closet

This Saturday marked my first official "prep" day for the move. It resulted in me cleaning out the closet of all clothes that were not needed in the next 11 weeks. Anything going to VA is in a Space Saver bag. The rest was divided into donate and trash piles.

I am officially not allowed to buy anymore clothes.

I have 6 large black trash bags of clothes in the living room for donation.

I have 3 white medium trash bags for the garbage pick up at the end of this week.

And the clothes I am keeping take up 4 Large and 2 Extra Large Space Saver bags.

Though, in my defense, I also made A go through his clothes. And I also cleared out my dresser as well. And he did his.

I think I have enough clothes left for the 2 large bags left in the box I purchased. Which leave 4 Extra Large bags for sheets, towels, and jackets.


Why mention all this?

Because I am trying not to think of ovulating this month.

I have 14 tests at home, and am waiting for Wednesday to start testing. I normally ovulate late, so I'm not worried about missing anything. I am more worried about nothing actually happening.

For my sanity, please don't mention the usual advice. After last week, if one more person tells me it will happen when the time comes or that I am still young and have plenty of time to have babies or that I have to relax because it will happen when we aren't trying so hard....

I understand all that. I really do. But every time I see it or hear it I want to burst into tears. Because it's not happening now, and I feel like a failure. And I can't handle it when I feel like I have disappointed people.

So, I am focusing on the move. Packing and minimizing. This weekend should see our bedroom almost completely packed up. Things we don't need are getting boxed early so I can start gauging the size of the moving truck we'll need.

And I am trying not to think of the kits sitting at home, waiting for me to use them.

Would Somebody Please Just Give Me My Drugs?

Once again, A and I found ourselves at the pharmacy last night to pick-up the magical clomid. That and a lot of ovulation tests.

Guess what the pharmacy didn't have? Even though the nurse called me in the morning to tell me the prescription would be sent in???

The pharmacist tried to call, but there was no one there. She reminded me what time they were open until, and said that if I could reach someone she would need 5 minutes to package the prescription.

We walked away from the counter in Target and started to wander. It took about 30 seconds for me to get mad. And so I called the medical group my doctor belongs to.

And this time, instead of pushing the option for leaving a message, I pushed 0 and waited for the operator.

When she answered, I calmly explained I was looking for my doctor and needed to know how to get a message to her. She explained she could get a message to the on call OB/GYN. Then she began the questions:

Are you currently pregnant?

Have you been pregnant recently?

I gritted my teeth through those, answered them, and then she paused. Because, apparently, if none of the above apply, what kind of emergency could there be for an OB/GYN, right? RIGHT???

Anywho...

I explained the problem. And added that this was Day 3, and I just wanted to pick up my pills and not miss this cycle. Could someone please just give me my drugs??

This, by the way, is the closest I will ever come to chemical dependency. But I blame it on my biological clock, so it's different. I could stop at any time, I swear!

The operator said I should get a call within 30 minutes, and if I didn't to call her back immediately.

My phone rang 15 minutes later.

The on call doc was on the phone with the pharmacist about 1 minute after hanging up with me. And I had my drugs a few minutes later.

So, we are now finally on Cycle Day 4 today, and I started clomid last night. In order to not completely go insane, I have agreed with A's recommendation to take the pills every 24 hours rather than last night and again this morning.

I think he saw me on the phone last night and is afraid that adding hormones to that person would endanger his life.

I explained I would never hurt him on purpose.

He didn't seem relieved.

No More Doctor

I just got a call from the doctor's nurse with an apology.

Apparently we were turned away from the pharmacy last night because the doctor forgot to sign the prescription order on Tuesday. So, no clomid this morning, but it will be ready tonight and I can take it after work and then keep going.

Since there will be no IUI, the doctor has decided that there is no need for the ultrasound. When I asked about the injection, the nurse placed me on hold. And then told me no need.

The doctor has decided that since we have proven that I am getting something, and even on the month that she didn't inject me I did ovulate, she wants me to just try from home.

So, tonight I get to buy clomid and ovulation tests. Take clomid for 5 days, and then start looking for ovulation. And have lots of sex.

February looks to be an interesting month....

Clomid: To Take It Or Not Take It. That Is The Question...

Welcome to Month 6, Cycle Day 2.

After literally sobbing for hours on Monday night, I was calm enough to watch television and then collapse to sleep. I didn't check my blood sugar, completely forgot about insulin, and pretty much ignored the litter box and all my other cats' needs. I ate because I had to, but dinner consisted of a stack of Ritz crackers, salami, and some soft cheese.

I just didn't want to think.

Then, to make matters better, I woke up at 6am with this bad feeling and a need to pee. Hello cycle! How nice of you to appear right in time to make everything feel worse and just drill in what is not happening for me right now!

The news about the chemical pregnancy was given to me via phone at work. The rest of the day was miserable for me, and at 5 I went and spoke alone to our manager. After 20 minutes of crying, she agreed to my request to work from home Tuesday. I needed a day to get this out of my system, but I needed to work to keep busy.

For the record, a day is not enough. I can write this now without crying because you won't believe the next part. Ask me this alone via IM or phone and I become a puddle of weeping mess. I talked to 3 people via IM yesterday while at home about it, and each time I looked up mid-conversation to have A hovering over me. He is worried, and that has actually helped me pull things together. It's not just all about me, it's about us.

Now, on to the fun part of this post!

I called the doctor's office to let her know it was Day 1, I need my clomid, and get other things organized. You see, this month we were going to try our first IUI.

Just in case you were wondering, up until now we were attempting to do this as naturally as possible. Everything was up to us and our physical activity once we confirmed there was a follicle. After not being successful, we agreed that this month we would do the scan on day 13, and if there were follicles get the injection and then return the next day bright and early. My beloved would leave a sample in a proper specimen cup once he awoke, and we would take that to the lab to be spun and prepped. Once ready, his little soldiers would be inserted directly into me by the doctor.

Doesn't that sound like so much fun?!?!

Now, due to the problems with past scans, the doctor wanted to schedule me directly with radiology for this next round. This is in hopes of avoiding multiple scans, stress, and spending an entire day at the medical facility. Like last month.

My initial call to the doctor resulted in having to leave a message. When the doctor called back, she had to leave me a message, and listening to it made me realize that things weren't going to be so simple.

Look at the calendar. Now count with me: Day 1 is on February 2nd. Which means Day 13, the day of the follicle scan, would fall on February 14th, a Sunday. Since their offices are closed, I would need to go for the scan on Day 12, but they are closed on Sunday and then again that Monday in observance of President's Day. So the IUI was out because there would be no one to insert said sperm into said uterus. What did I want to do?

Another message left by me to the doctor, this time pretty short and to the point:

"Can you let her know to please schedule the scan on the 13th and we'll just do what we have been doing?"

I think the girl though I was losing it because I wouldn't elaborate.

Fast forward 2 hours and a call comes from the doctor's nurse. They had sent the order to radiology and transferred me to them to make the appointment.

After being placed on hold 3 times, the person advised me that they were closed on Sunday and Monday. I explained I knew this and needed the scan on Saturday. And she let me know they were only there a half day and booked solid.

Did you know that counting to 10 works, even when on the phone with people? I think it saved this woman from having to listen to me for 20 minutes of ranting about my inability to get pregnant and that she was standing in the way of this.

In the end, radiology was to call the doctor and review the order and timing. Someone would get back to me.

Which brings me to today.

I have a prescription to pick up tonight. And I am supposed to start taking it tomorrow. In anticipation of another scan. That no one has told me whether or not will actually happen.

Slowly but surely I believe our decision about whether or not to try this month is being taken from us. And while I can understand that I need to just go with the flow, take it easy and let it happen, that doesn't help.

Not today.

Not after Monday.

How Do You Explain a Chemical Pregnancy?

My labs came back today....

A chemical pregnancy she told me. Can't really consider it a miscarriage according to the doctor.

So can someone please explain to me why it feels like someone I love just died?