Thursday, December 13, 2012

The One Where I Break My Rule....Cause I Need to Vent

I apologize for length in advance.  But I am so beyond ticked off this morning.

You see, I'm a planner.

I also love the holidays.

Thanksgiving is where I hit my stride.  The turkey, the stuffing, the sides, and even desserts.  I love doing it all, lining it up so that everything hits the table warm and fresh.  Empty plates afterward makes me so excited because I know that everyone enjoys my cooking.

Christmas has always been second to it.  I don't know when that happened, but it did.  While I still make sure my tree goes up, the decorations are set up, this is more for James now than anything

I love that he looks at his tree and lights.  I'm excited just thinking about him opening presents and playing with his great grandparents with his new things on Christmas Day.

I'm just so sick of the family bullshit.

When we moved out here, I tried to find a way to be a part of both sides of the family.  After we were pregnant, this was something I wanted more than anything because it was important to me that James knew his family.  This is a huge bunch, and there are generations here that he would learn so much from.

One side has always accepted me.  I've  been a part of everything, and now my son is so entrenched in their lives that he loves being with them.  He wiggles out of our arms to play with them, and they love him so much that you can't help but see it.

The other side I thought had accepted me.  But in the last 14 months I have come to accept the fact that I am not one of them.  There are no invitations to gatherings or birthday parties, with everyone "assuming" that just because they all get together that we know to join them.

Kinda hard to do when you hear about it hours in advance, or are expected to have known about it via some random FaceBook comment.

The worst? 

When plans are made around me and no one asks if we will be there or gives any information about a time.  Then we are told we were expected to be there.

The point that broke me?

A girl's trip was planned.  It was supposed to be the sisters and their kids.  Since this isn't my mom we are talking about, but my MIL, I was not thinking to be included at all.

But then the trip turned in to her, her sisters, their daughters, an ex in-law of theirs, an almost daughter-in-law plus her daughter and I think her mother, and somewhere along the lines one of the boys who was too young to be home alone.

Was I hurt?  Yes.  My son and I were never included or asked to join.  I wanted him to be a part of this family, whom I actually admire and like, but nothing.

After that, and an incredible crying jag over wishing we could be anywhere but here, I told my husband I was done trying.  If any of them wanted to see us they could reach out to us.

Which is so the opposite of the other side of his family.

So, now we are at Christmas again.

Grandma asked me over a month ago if we could do a brunch here on Christmas morning.  They want to see their great grandson open presents and then stay and visit with him.

I jumped on it.  This is me at my element again.  Cooking, hosting, and enjoying family in our home.  James enjoying all the attention and getting to play.

A month ago, people.  We made these plans a month ago.  We have never been invited to do anything on Christmas with the other side of the family. 

Our first Christmas, I was 17 weeks pregnant and it was snowing, so we got a ride over with the grandparents to the in-laws house, opened presents, and then headed home.  As the rest of the family was headed out, my MIL mentioned where there were headed to and asked if we wanted to join them.  We had no car, it wasn't safe for me to drive any way, so we headed home.

Last year I visited the nursing home practically every weekend where James' great-great grandmother is.  I sat with them every Saturday, talked and laughed.  When my family came in November, I didn't go to visit, so when I did resume it the holidays were 10 days away.  I sat as they made plans, assigned dishes, and played with James.  But no one even looked at me and told me what was happening.  No time or any info.

When A found out, he lost it.  He called his dad and told him that we were staying home on Christmas Day and that they could come by to see James any time they wanted. 

They came on the 26th.

This year, after the summer trip, and birthdays, and then Thanksgiving with hardly a blink, my MIL called last night to ask us about Christmas.

I love my husband.  He told her we had made plans because no one had invited us to anything and were going to be home all day.

She proceeded to call my FIL and get upset with him.  I should mention that they have separated.  Dad is joining us on Christmas Day because grandma and I don't want him to be alone.  MIL is more than welcome,  A told her this last night, but it appears that the issue is that we made plans.

You see, somewhere along the line, we were supposed to know that the family gets together at her sister's.  We were supposed to know we were included.  And why were we not going and having everyone at our place?

Gee, you think maybe because that's what we did last year?

I'm done with it.  Over this last year I've come to see that relying on her to be included just leads to being miserable.  James deserves better than being a last minute inclusion on things or completely omitted altogether.

I deserve better.

So, we are forging ahead with our plans.  I've mailed our cards, with our family portrait and his 18 month shot, to each member of both families.

Have we heard back from her, asking when she can see him for Christmas?


Will we?

Maybe on the 26th.

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