Monday, November 30, 2009

Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right....

Here I am: Stuck in the middle....with you....

And I have been stuck since Saturday morning.

Last Tuesday, what would have been Day 23 of the cycle, I had an appointment with my Endocrinologist. I knew it was too early, but just so I could give her an honest answer, I took a home pregnancy test. Which came up negative, as expected due to the timing.

I didn't take it too seriously, and after she confirmed I had lost another 4 lbs since my last visit (a total of 20 lbs lost since May), she said it was too early. She had seen my chart, and was telling me to give it more time. So I decided to just get through Thanksgiving.

Well, I made it to Saturday. What would have been Day 27 of my cycle, and 2 days before my period was due.

I want you to know I tossed and turned Saturday morning, wondering if I should or shouldn't. There was 1 test left, and I really didn't want to spend more money on them if I didn't need to.

And curiosity did finally win out.

So, I peed on a stick, capped it, and set it aside. Then I grabbed the toilet paper and, per habit since the follicle scan, checked for spotting.

And there was blood.

To say I cried would be an understatement. I sobbed in a way I don't think I ever have. It felt as if my entire heart was being broken and my insides were dying. I didn't realize this would be so hard, this cycle not working, but it was. It was harder than anything I have gone through, and I still weep at the oddest moments. My husband cried with me at one point, and somehow we got through the day. I couldn't talk about it. I tried to explain it, and he was obviously frustrated that he couldn't do more for me. But how do you tell someone that it felt like your heart had stopped and died without making them feel horrible?

Sunday came and went, and I have been making every effort to smile and remain positive. Both for my sanity and my husband's. Poor A really was worried about me after the zombie I was Saturday, so I made sure he saw that I was going to move forward.

Which I will. If my period ever actually starts.

Internets, I have been randomly spotting and nothing else since Saturday. Which could mean my period needs time to start. Or that there is implantation happening.

So, I'm stuck waiting. Waiting and wondering what will happen next.

Mentally I am giving it until the end of the week. If no cycle, I will take another home test on Friday and then call the OB/GYN regardless of the results and see what she says to do. At this point I don't think I can cry anymore over this cycle, but you never know. And until my period does come, I will keep counting days. Today is Day 29.

...of course, you do realize once I hit "publish" that my period will begin, right?

Next up: lots of pics because I have a Christmas tree with a Yoda tree topper to share.

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