Thursday, September 30, 2010

Another Month Gone

I'm still sitting here wondering whether this is really happening.

When this month started, I was opening a box of ovualtion predictor tests and informing A that he was going to be required to do some work if I ovulated again this month.

The temperature shifted, 3 days later we had the green light on the pee stick that I was ovulating.

I honestly thought we had missed it. We didn't have sex that day. We had been doing that for the last 5 days, and I honestly didn't know whether it was enough.

I didn't wait a full 2 weeks to test. And I had 2 negatives that weekend.

Then the spotting. The faint faint pink.

Then the second line....

I have the home pregnancy test propped up near my monitor still. It hasn't faded or changed. It's completely dried now, and every time I wonder if this is a dream I look at it.

Right now, all we want is a heart beat on the ultrasound. Some confirmation that this really is happening and my body is doing what it should.

That I think is the most frustrating part. The thought that my body will screw this up somehow.

My diet has changed to include more fiber and calcium and vitamins.

Yesterday I was miserable. Nauseated almost all day. Dead tired by the time work ended. I took a 1 hour nap before dinner, and that gave me the energy to be up until 11.

I toss and turn every night. Odd dreams with us and a child, some times a boy and some times a girl.

Which only triggers the thought of fraternal twins....

One more weekend to go and then we'll know what the next step will be...

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

This Morning, I Used the Infertility Card

Calling the doctor this morning was much more exhilarating than I thought it would be. Why?

Because policy is to not see a newly pregnant woman until 10 weeks.

I think my jaw hit the desk. And then I did it. I told the nurse I was infertile, had been diagnosed with PCOS, and I was a little anxious because we had managed to conceive without assistance.

Instantly, the tone changed. I was transferred to the RE's nurse, where I had to leave another message. She called once the doctor reviewed my labs, told me he was very happy with the numbers, and wanted to see me Monday morning.

Just like that, I have my first ultrasound on Monday, October 4th.

The RE called me back an hour or so later to discuss my questions about the diabetes. I've gone back to checking my sugar 4 times a day, once when I wake up, and then 2 hours after each meal. The numbers are still within what I was told is normal, but I am still anxious about my levels. I know it's my responsibility to eat well, and watch the things that can hurt the baby even now.

So, now I've been referred to Endocrinology. Who told me on the phone that all new patient appointments are booked until December.

I must have sounded pitiful. Because she put me on hold, and came back to tell me they could get me in on October 11th at 8:30am.

Apparently, pregnant and diabetic does have some pull with the doctors.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Where I Realize Patience Isn't Always A Good Thing

I was awake before the alarm this morning. We left the apartment around 7:45, and I was having my blood drawn by 8:30.

By 3:30 I was officially stressed. But I didn't want to be nagging the doctor so early, and I figured it could wait until they called me.

Then my husband saw me staring at the ceiling and he said to call.

So, I did. And had to leave a message for a call back.

An hour later, I called again. And they were closed.

At this point, I was seriously kicking myself for not having called earlier. I mean, they had promised a call. I was supposed to have gotten a call. WHY HADN'T THEY CALLED?!?!?!?!

Roughly 40 minutes later, our phone rang. They had nurses scheduled to return all calls received before 4, and I was lucky to be one of them.

Apparently there was a problem with my initial lab. The number was too high for the machine and so they had to dilute the sample and try again. She told me this was a good thing, means the numbers were up, but it would be another 30 minutes before she'd have any info. If the results were available before she left, I'd get a call. If not, the next call would be in the morning.

Well, 32 minutes later (yes, I checked), the phone rang again. She knew I wouldn't be able to sleep without having the count, so she made sure to check before leaving.

Last Wednesday, my count was at 86. Today, 5 days later, I am at 757. She said the numbers were perfect, doing the math on the phone for me, and insisting they weren't too high or too low.

I have to call tomorrow to schedule my 1st prenatal visit. That I can wait to do. For now, things are moving along like they should be.

It looks like our baby is here.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Why Wasn't This Mentioned Before?

So, to recap, my boobs are sore. I have read that wearing a well fitting bra will help with that, so the sports bra is in a drawer and I am fully covered every day with a real bra. Improvement? Yes. And while I want to remove the bra after 9 hours, I am holding steady and making sure that it stays on until at least 8 each night. If I do, I've noticed they don't hurt as much when I climb into bed.

Oh, and remember that extra room in the cups I noticed 2 weeks ago? The jokes about my boobs shrinking? Scratch that. They are now fully filling said cups, and I have a feeling I'll be shopping for something bigger. More on that scary issue of mine another day.....

I think I may have mentioned this before, but I normally do not suffer major PMS symptoms. I have never missed work or school, had to take pills, or been made miserable by cramps. My poor sister, and my nieces, have this issue. They literally get to the point where they want to puke and cannot move at all.

I have always thought myself lucky in this regard. And maybe it is a good thing, because it makes me more aware of every twinge that happens every moment of the day.

The books mention some light cramping, much like you would feel when you are about to get your period.

Take it from someone who never went through this before: This is a weird feeling. It's not exactly pain, though a couple of good strong ones yesterday had me rubbing my stomach. But for someone who normally has nothing happening in that area except good things, this is just weird.

I do want to state that I know that it is a good thing. Everything down there is starting to do its job, and so it needs the stretch and grow. I just wasn't expecting to feel every single little thing that was happening.

...And yes, when it does stop I wish I could poke it with a stick to make is start again. It's the only reassurance I have that everything is still happening.

Blood tests are happening on Monday. I'll have a number, an idea as to where we are, and will also get to schedule my first prenatal appointment. This should include my first ultrasound that will not involve hunting for my ovaries and measuring ova.

This one should include a heartbeat....

Thursday, September 23, 2010

There's A Box In Our Closet...

When we saw that positive pregnancy test in January, not only did we tell everyone we could think of, but we went out to the bookstore. I picked up 2 books about pregnancy, and started reading them both. Less than a week later, my cycle came and we were faced with having to learn what a chemical pregnancy is.

Along with those 2 books, A and I had spent money on 2 other items over the year: A small jersey and t-shirt with Spiderman and a baby blanket that looked piratey and was super soft.

We began packing in late February/early March. I found a small box from something that had been ordered from Amazon, tucked all these inside, and sealed it with tape. Then I found a label and put it on the box, immediately adding it to the stack of boxes we were storing in the closet.

Arriving in VA, everything from the moving van came upstairs to our apartment. We sorted and unpacked, then rented the storage space to move things to. As I sorted the boxes, I came across my little box and was torn between sending it to storage or keeping it with us.

I opted to keep it with us and made space on a shelf in the closet for it.

Yesterday morning, I woke up after a really odd night of fitful sleep. Add to that the odd cramps, high temperature, and no real sign of a period, and I was starting to wonder.

Monday night I had seen pink when I wiped before going to bed. Tuesday morning it was a light brown, very faint. There had been nothing since, no signs of anything, other than the odd crampiness I felt.

So I peed on a stick.

And everything changed.

I don't think I processed it. I walked back to the bedroom for my glasses and to make sure there really was a 2nd line. I told A that I thought we might be pregnant, then showered, ate, and waited for the doctor's office to open.

I was in the lab within 3 hours of that test. And received a call back about 3 hours later to tell me that it was definitely positive and the blood proved it.

By this point, I'd chatted with my sister, called my mother and brother at the break of dawn in CA, and then made sure to IM my best friend and my cousin.

But until that call, I was numb. I am still sitting wondering if this is really going to be it.

I go back on Monday to have more blood drawn, and they will actually tell me my numbers at that time and schedule my first real appointment to check for the heartbeat.

I'm officially 4 weeks pregnant. My baby is tentatively due on June 1, 2011.

And I find myself tentative about jumping into everything at full speed again.

But I can't help but touch my tummy every time there is a twinge and smile. Because it's happening....

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Why I Love Lily and Marshall

At some point in the last 6 months we caught repeats of How I Met Your Mother on television.

Now, admittedly, we both love Barney Stinson with a passion. I declared yesterday to my cousin that we have decided that there is no situation in life that cannot be solved by Barney.

The best part about the show is that we honestly believe that if we were to run into them in the bar we could sit and fall right into their group. There are actually times when they are talking in a scene and we laugh because it reminds us of sitting at the table after a meal with my sister, my brother, and my nieces. The laughing and sharing are just how things are with them.

Last night was the premiere of Season 6. We've seen everything through Season 4 thanks to our DVD collection, but only bits and pieces of Season 5 through reruns. We knew that Lily and Marshall had decided to try having a baby, finally, and there was a part of me that wasn't sure how I was going to handle that.

At this point, if you haven't seen the premiere, or just don't want to know what happens, stop reading. I am about to spoil the end here. Kinda.

See, Lily and Marshall had a big night planned to start trying. When things go wrong, they end up at the bar to vent and argue a little. Marshall mentions he has been good for 2 weeks to give her his strongest men, and Lily sarcastically points out she's read 11 books, checked her temperature every hour, and calculated when the time was right, but congrats on not playing with yourself!

See why I love the show?

What went wrong was that Marshall had begun telling people they were going to try to have a baby. His father made them a cradle/bassinet in his shop and shipped it, arriving just before Marshall got home for their night. When Lily gets so upset he doesn't understand why. As she discovers that he has told more people, it escalates with her until she finally has a chance to talk to him alone.

She feels under pressure. Her biggest concern: What if she can't get pregnant? She tells him she feels she would be disappointing him. Letting him down.

At this point in the show, I am teary and ready to just cry. She said what I think all women feel when they find themselves infertile: They are the problem. They have let everyone down by not being able to do the one thing that should come naturally.

When Marshall tells her that being with her is more important than having a baby, and that she could never disappoint him, I smiled. And my husband yelled from the office area, "Listen to the man!"

We've had this talk before. He's reassured me so many times that if in the end it's meant to be just him and me, forever, then that's the way it is and he would never trade me for anyone else in the world.

So, I am sitting here typing this, all teary, and thinking about everything. The faint pink on the toilet paper last night before bed, the continuing high body temperature, and the negative test this weekend.

We may still have a long road ahead, but I know I've got the right person by my side.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Monday Check-In

So, last week I was hungry. As in I watched what I ate, but I ate a little more each day because I was hungry for some reason.

The result?

I lost a whole 0.2 lbs in the last week. But at least I lost, right?

Also, I took the first home pregnancy test and it came back negative. We agreed we would see how the week progressed, seeing as how there isn't a tiny speck of spotting going on. Normally buy now I'm a little spotty at the least.

But the biggest news is we are finally unpacked. As in there are no more boxes in the apartment that need to be gone through and sorted. Things are in the storage unit, everything is put away.

Well, except for the pile of papers behind me. I need a small filing cabinet to get things organized. That is on the list. That and one large frame.

So that is that...

Now to get though this week and see what it brings.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Sharing Everything

I have a sticky note stuck to the printer on my desk. It has the 2 possible ovulation days for this cycle, and what will be cycle day 30 late next week. There are also notes about possible implantation dates based on those 2 ovulation dates.

So we are now back to the oddest ritual I think I have ever performed:

Staring at toilet paper after wiping to look for spotting.

I should tell you all that we have 1 bathroom. The shower/tub is on the wall opposite the mirror and sink. Also on that wall, facing the mirror and next to the end of the shower/tub, is our toilet.

So, when someone is in the shower, they can see through the curtain to the mirror. If someone happens to be using the toilet while someone is showering, you can really only see their bust and nothing more. Still some semblance of privacy, though apparently not enough in some cases.

Because when the person on the toilet is holding up toilet paper and squinting at it, it can be startling to hear the person in the shower ask, "What the hell are you doing?"

Needless to say, my spouse now knows more about implantation bleeding, spotting, and my issues with wanting to get pregnant than I think he really ever wanted.....

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Cycle Day 23

There is seriously nothing to report. No spotting.

Well, there is one thing.

As the day progresses I no longer want to have breasts.


Because they are swollen, feel heavy, and sore as all hell along the sides. So far, sleep has not been affected. But I have never been this sore and miserable in my life.

We still have not taken a pregnancy test because we are afraid to take it early. This all could very well be PMS.

But if I am not pregnant after this week, and next month I get the same problem, then A may have to deal with me wanting to surgically remove these things!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

"If" versus "When"

Welcome to Cycle Day 21. Today, I am either 8 days post ovulation or 5 days past ovulation. Depends on which method of testing for ovulation you think is the most accurate.

I am officially in a place of trying to figure out how to phrase things.

My thoughts swing from "if we are pregnant this time" to "when we finally do get pregnant" every other minute. I am trying everything I can to not think about it, to let it happen, to enjoy this time.

But I can't.

Especially with the phantom cramps that twinge late in the day. And this strange urge for steak and spicy food. From someone who is afraid to try buffalo wings, this is huge. As in I ate 5 of them last night.

I just want the next 9 days to fly by. I will either be starting a new cycle or making a call to have blood work confirmed.

I really really want to have to have bloodwork done. Odd, yes, but to me that means a small victory....

Monday, September 13, 2010

8 weeks and 18.4lbs later....

So, the weight is coming off slowly but surely. I am averaging about 2lbs a week, all via diet change and calorie counting. The exercise needs to come along, but I still prefer walking to anything else. The weather is almost to the point where we can start doing this in the evenings again.

The best part of all this has nothing to do with my pants feeling better. Or my sports bras being more comfortable.

It's what my body is doing...

I still inject insulin each night, but I am down to 60 units before bed. This is less than half of what I was taking 2 months ago to control my sugar.

And then you have to throw in the fact that I have managed to ovulate twice now without any progesterone or clomid. That alone is incentive to keep going down this path, and I've already made notes of what I plan to do if we get a positive pregnancy test. Namely, find a dietician and get a meal program in place.

So my weight this morning is officially at 278.6. And for the first time ever my BMI on the Wii Fit is below 50.

Now to just get this whole pregnancy thing jump-started!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

I still remember that day....

Housesitting for friends all by myself.

Getting out of the shower and coming to the bedroom to dress.

Hearing the radio but no music.

Talking about a plane hitting a tower. Then a second one.

Running to the living room, still in a towel, to turn on the TV.

Crying on the couch because I couldn't understand why this was happening.

It's been 9 years, but it still feels like yesterday.

Friday, September 10, 2010

The Only Problem With Losing Weight....

I remember being young and at home when my favorite aunt came to visit. Now, what prompted the visit or anything else about what we did is a blur. But I do remember how excited she was that she lost weight.

She was going on and on about how all she did was trim the fat off the meat, reduce the grease she used for cooking, and watched her portions. I honestly do not think she was ever heavy, but she seemed to be thinking she had been. All I know is that she was fit and trim, and excited about what she had done.

She did have 1 warning though: her breasts had shrunk.

I apologize right now to my cousin, who is reading this and will either be sending me a text about how she needs warnings about these things or will be on Yahoo Messenger shortly to do the same.

So, apparently she was complaining that with the weight loss she had shrunk in her chest area. I will save the conversation about how disappointed my uncle apparently was, mainly because I was too young to really know what her boobs had to do with his happiness.

Again, sorry cousin. I do love you, I swear!

Now, fast forward to 2 days ago. When I was putting on a sports bra fresh from the dryer. And noticed that they weren't as squished as normal. And then when I switched to a normal bra to go out, there was extra material in the cups.

Look, I am and always have been pretty well-endowed. To the point where my greatest fear of becoming a mother is suffocating my child while breast feeding. And I don't think I will ever lose enough weight to actually ever have that fear put to rest.

But seriously: Couldn't that be coming off my waist instead???

And yes, I pointed it out to A and he pouted. Then laughed at the look on my face. Then I told him to be quiet or there would be no sex for him. And he laughed even harder.

Something about me ovulating and needing him......

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Cycle Day 16

I have to rewind to yesterday morning for one moment.

I woke up, took my temperature, peed on the ovulation stick, and then took my shower. When I got out, I saw this:

Apologies for the cell phone pic there.

So, I saw the lines and stared and stared and swore the lines were the same shade. I even woke up A, who said that the line on top looked a little lighter. Course, he was just waking up, so I don't know.

Then this morning I repeated the same morning routine and got this:

That, people, is what it looks like when the test says you ovulated. The line on the left is notably darker, and has been since exactly 2 minutes after peeing on the damn stick.

I can honestly say that I never thought I'd see this without having first endured the Clomid.

Now, I have been trying to stick with the microscope, and I have seen the ferning, but there is no way to get this captured for posterity. I uploaded yesterday's best pic there on the right, and here it is again in case you want to see what I am squinting at:

So, all the signs are saying I am ovulating in the next 24-36 hours, right?

Well, all but one, that is...

According to the BBT chart, ovulation would have occurred 3 days ago.

Do you see where I am left wondering just what day I am on now? Is this now 2 days past ovulation or am I actually ovulating? And what about the cramping on both sides that I was feeling last night before bed?

Either way, we've done what we needed to do. Every day. At least once a day. Since the 5th.

So, we either just managed to beat the cut-off and got there before I ovulated earlier this week, or we managed to up our odds with a few extra days up to today's positive test.

Right now, we are both excited it happened.

And the wait begins....

Monday, September 6, 2010

Cycle Day 13

Things are moving along, and almost look normal.

My BBT has begun the pre-ovulation dip that occurred last month, so I have notified the husband that his services will be required over the next week or so.

He just laughed and said he had no problem with this.

The ovulation prediction kit is showing a 2nd line, and it's not quite dark enough, but it is slowly improving.

I also have started spending time staring into the microscope again, and think I am seeing a slight change.

Needless to say, I will update here. And post pics of anything that shows if there is progress.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Cycle Day 9

So, my truly unexpected cycle came and went with no real issue. It was actually lighter than last month, and other than some odd cramps the day it ended, life was normal.

I was even able to maintain the diet without dying of cravings!

Except for the lunch that consisted of nothing but tortilla chips. Something about the salt...

So, I officially began peeing on a stick as of yesterday morning. I am trying to track the ovulation predictor tests along with my temperature, and I am still playing with my microscope when I remember.

I know, I am horrible at this.

I am noting that with the diet and control of the whole diabetes thing I am sleeping all night long. No bathroom trips. And so my temperature this morning is actually stable.

As in the same everyday since my cycle started. No fluctuations.

It literally is a flat line.

So we will see what happens in the next 10 days. Last month, it said I ovulated on Cycle Day 18. I can say that my tests in the morning showed a faint line yesterday, and a slightly darker one today. It still doesn't indicate I ovulated, but it has me hopeful.

Especially because if it doesn't happen this month, next month I will be with a doctor who will be able to actually monitor things!