Thursday, January 21, 2010


So, the week is marching along quickly. It helps that we have plans revolving around my brother's birthday this weekend. Plans that I hope will keep me occupied.

I have 1 lone home pregnancy test at home. I don't want to use it too early, mainly because I don't want to have to buy more when it comes up negative because I tested too soon. Which would be the excuse I used for a negative result right now.

Somehow, I have a name stuck in my head. I can't stop thinking of it, and I have to tell A about it. We've agreed that naming any offspring will be something we do together.

He is anxious.

After last weekend, he openly told me that he dreaded the appointments now. He hated losing me to my mourning and depression. I honestly believed I was doing okay about hiding it, but he says no. I retreat so far into myself, and he doesn't know what to do to help me out of it. So he waits for me to come back and takes care of me the only way he can.

Right now, he is worried about what will happen next weekend. Will I start to spot again? Will it kill me like it did in November? Or will we finally get a positive result?

Oddly, I feel more relaxed about this. I am staying content, reading books, and relaxing. I have stopped exercising for now, but still careful about what I eat.

Except for the peanut M&Ms. Thank goodness those are gone now....

So today is another day to wait and think. I have completely failed at not using Google to check pregnancy charts and symptoms pages. But I keep reminding myself to take it one day at a time.

I just can't help but hope.

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