Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Breathing a Temporary Sigh of Relief

I knew I had been trying to be okay, right up until the appointment yesterday morning. I realized in the office that I was prepared to hear that it was a mistake, that it was a missed pregnancy, and as we sat there I felt myself start to well-up with tears.

That's when A hugged me, kissed me, and told me again he loved me no matter what. He hadn't been able to eat all morning, and was feeling ill with anxiety.

You have to understand my husband. I have been giddy for weeks, and he has been happy but not bouncing off the walls. Like my best friend, D, he has been holding back until we were 100% out of the woods on this. At one point he admitted that he was worried that if something went wrong he would lose me to that pit of despair once again. He doesn't know how to help me, doesn't understand what will make it better, and only knows that he needs to be there for me.

I have to admit, I don't want to end up there again. Just thinking about it at this point is enough to make me cry.

So, I am currently going day to day, looking for symptoms. Waiting for the heavy and sore breasts, the twinges like faint cramps, and the nausea.

Our joke is that pregnancy is the most interesting way of getting initiated into S&M. It's uncomfortable, my breasts are constantly miserable, and I haven't figured out the safe word to make it stop yet. But at the same time, my best moments each day are when I feel all that because I know that this means things are happening.

And the saddest thing?

I really really wish I would get full-blown morning sickness so I'd know the hormones were really there.....

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